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Question
Posted by: Edie | 2011-11-17

RE: 739

Dear Professor


Thank you for your comprehensive feedback.

As I was reading your response, a lot of things started making sense. Before my kids were born I thought that I didn’ t have a happy childhood, but couldn’ t really say why and felt guilty about thinking it. After my kids were born and I saw how my parents were loving towards them, I didn’ t understand why I felt so unloved growing up and thought that it was just a warped sense of reality that I imagined and started not to trust my innervoice or memories and thereby knowing what they were doing (treating the boys, especially my son) was wrong, but “ allowing”  it anyway. When I read that you said “ the misconduct of your parents and sister - what they are doing amounts to abuse and neglect of both children.” , I think it speaks true of our own upbringing as well and that the feeling I have is of neglect?? I once went for psychotherapy and afterwards I read in my GPs file that the psychologist said I had a ‘ self-taught alienated... something or other. Anyway, could this be related to the feeling of being “ neglected” ?

As for “ discipline - some of us seem naturally, perhaps like you did, do get the idea of it “  - I am disciplined to the point where people have said I obviously never do anything wrong (not so true) and seem to be very boring (maybe) :)

Thanks again

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I suspect that obviously unequal treatment of 2 kids in a family is especially liable to make the neglected one feel neglected and of lower self-esteem, because there is such an obvious contrast in the way the other child is being treated. One's choice, in a sense, is to assume there's something wrong with you ( easy to assume, and alienating from oneself, in a way ) or the bolder and much harder to accomplish theory that there's something wrong with your parents.
And because you're treated as though you're usually wrong and your opinions don't matter, its awfully hard to then be more assertive later in life.
And if your virtues are boring, I wish we could all be bored, like that, far more often !

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-11-17

I suspect that obviously unequal treatment of 2 kids in a family is especially liable to make the neglected one feel neglected and of lower self-esteem, because there is such an obvious contrast in the way the other child is being treated. One's choice, in a sense, is to assume there's something wrong with you ( easy to assume, and alienating from oneself, in a way ) or the bolder and much harder to accomplish theory that there's something wrong with your parents.
And because you're treated as though you're usually wrong and your opinions don't matter, its awfully hard to then be more assertive later in life.
And if your virtues are boring, I wish we could all be bored, like that, far more often !

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