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Posted by: sad | 2009-07-26

re: 4084

thanks for the replies.

CS - i take exception to what you say. please do not attempt to put the blame for continued depression on what i have done incorrectly - i have taken ADs under the advice of a psychiatrist and took them in correct dosages and at the right times. please do not assume that i attempt to force my " negative point of view"  upon everyone else - i listen to everyone and do not try to find fault with anything they say. and thanks a bunch for automatically assuming that i have written my entire life story here - and that nothing i have experienced has been as bad as another stranger you have encountered over the internet. i, too, have my moments of wanting to carry on, just like zexeon - or moments when it seems possible to carry on. but when i get told, once again, that i' m wrong - always wrong - and that all my certainties are incorrect and unhelpful, it just deepens the depression. thanks, so much. i ought to have known that consulting someone over the internet is a mistake. i know many people who are going through turmoils and hardships which are very great indeed - people who are severely depressed and bulimic and spend their days trying to stay away from really harmful habits. i know that my suffering is nothing. but i' m so f*cking tired. i' m tired of being told what i want and how i actually do think and how i should think. i' m so tired. i want to give up - it means: i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i posted here because it feels like the professionals i see don' t give a shit that i' m trying and slipping backwards all the time. i' ve had two different kinds of therapy - and i think the CBT method is not helping at all. at this point i don' t want help - i don' t want change - i don' t want to live - i just want to die. your reply is similar to what a friend has told me: just try getting up and deciding to be happy. by god, i' ve tried. i don' t want to try any more. i' m -|- ing tired.

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Our expert says:
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Don't misinterpret what I said. I would have predicted that you would be angry at almost everything I might say -- you'd need to defeat me as well as you have everyone else who has tried to help you. I didn;t blame you for anything, but challenged, yes, and asked whether you might have, in various ways, played any part in creating a situation in which your depression is apparently not responding to treatment.
Pleased to hear that you took the antidepressants appropriately and guided by your psychiatrist. Very often I come across people who were treated only by a GP and for various reasons took many ADs all at the wrong dose, and for too short a period for there to have been any possibility of them being helpful, and then conclude that the drugs can't work. At most 60-70 of people who take any one AD feel benefits from it ; that's why it may be necessary to try several, carefully.
I didn't think, either that you try to force your negative views on others --- I was referring to how you allow yourself to respond to such groups and whether internally you take their comments and suggestions really seriously. If you do --- good, too.
Where did I assume you had written you entire life story here ? That would have been (a) impossible, and (b) entirely unhelpful. My comments were based on the summary you offered. And I didn't conclude that nothing you suffered has been as bad as anyone else's --- there's no point in comparing miseries in life --- yours are the very worst YOU have experienced ; mine are the worst I have experienced, and so on. My comment referred to the nature of Zexeon's problem being one that can make it even harder for her to cope, and an invitation to all not to dismiss her helpful comments without recognizing the background in struggle from which they came.
In this message, you perfectly illustrate your macabre talent for interpreting EVERYTHING in the most negative way possible. I never said that everything you feel so certain about is wrong --- I merely wondered who you could be so certain that every one of them was totally and eternally right.
I should, perhaps, have known that any anodne comment would have been dismissed, properly, as empty fluff, but that ANY serious attempt to engage with your skilled and hioghly practised negativity would be rejected, too, far more angrily.
I did, indeed, wonder whether your certainties are helpful --- you haven't provided any examples of their helpfulness.
Nobody has said ( so far as I know ) that your "suffering is nothing" --- that'd be idiotic to say. It is obviously unpleasant and daunting to face. I hear your very clear statement of despair, and we both recognize the major limitations through this medium, of what I could do about it. If you have expressed all this as fiercely and clearly to your psychiatrist, I find it hard to imagine that he has been unmoved and not even more keen to be helpful, if you would let him be helpful.
I'm sure you're tired, despairing, and maybe even more, angry. The anger sizzles from your words. I suspect, and hope, that even the fact that you posted here, and took more time to respond so angrily, suggests that at the same time you do not altogether want to give up, and would welcome help to move out of this most unpleasant state. This esentially means trying again, each of the methods that might help, perhaps getting a second ( 3rd, 14th ) opinion in each field, so as to have fresh viewpoints from people who have the time and facility to hear more of the details.
I hope you will continue to try, tirelessly, however tired you feel, because I still beleive there must be a way by which you can feel better, and that you deserve to feel better, which makes any amount of trying worthwhile.

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