Posted by: Lilly | 2009-04-08

Raped/Mollested then sexual active?

I need to know why it is like this. I was raped 3 times(neighbors) and mollested for 6 years by my stepfather and brother. The school boys usually chased me around at school and once they cought me, they use to pin me down or against the wall and touch me all over. I always complained about these things, but nothing really happened and I changed schools. My mohter was ill for many years, she started getting ill when I still was a small girl. at the age of eight I think I told her about what' s going on with my father for the past two years. she was shocked, but not as shocked as I was with her reply: " What do I (a 8 year old girl) want her to do about this, she still asked do I want him to get sent to jail. Pretty extreme question for a mother to ask her 8 year old daughter. My reply was " I don' t know" . Things started getting worse from there on, she was very ill and heavy over wheight - my stepfather and her never had intercoarse anymore and she use to blame me for that " You' re sleeping with my husband"  - her words exactly. Lets say from about 11 or 12 I had these unexplainable urges for satisfaction, I mean sexual satisfaction. I never went for psycological therapy or anything, because it was supposed to be kept a secret. At the age of 16 our neighbor whom I saw years last, especially the one who raped me twice, showed up on our doorstep. I was terrified and had a nevous breakdown. My mother popped me full of anti-depressents and I don' t know what else and decided to take to a Christian Counselor. I didn' t want to go, because she was sending for her own peace of mind and not my own well being. So that didn' t mean anything,nor did it help at all. I just had to cope with this on my own, because support wasn' t coming my way untill I met a friend who' s my husband today. I was finally saved from all this abuse. My mohter couldn' t stand my husband and just got more sick and she died in 2003. I loved my mohter, even though she was so mean and cruel to me at times, but I just can' t cry over her, I don' t think about her and I don' t even talk about her - and it' s not because I chose to be like that. A month after her death my stepfather moved into an apartment with another woman - apparently they got married after 6 months from there. So many things happened when I was a child - or suppose to be one, that I can' t even mention all of them right now. All I know, I never did anything to attract men towards me. I went to Sunday school and enjoyed school. I played with my dolls at home and had a 2 friends while growing up. It' s as if I have this sign above my head saying " I love men and any sort of sexual attention"  but I don' t. Truth is, I realised I' m biosexual - I' m still faithful to my loving husband, I' m just mentioning it. We have sex maybe 1 in two to three weeks - I have no sexual drive and feel extremely uncomfortable around men alone. My husband usually says that I' m spineless, because I can' t stand up for myself and saying no is extremely hard, i hardly say no. I think it' s bacause saying no my whole life didn' t help at all. I feel bad, because I had this self satisfying desire, even though what happened to me. Why and how? I can' t understand this, shouldn' t it be the other way around? Even now, I get this desire to just satisfy myself, I try not to, because I' m depriving my husband.... why am I like this? It still upsets me still today, I' m afraid that somethings going to happen. I' m a mother of two amazing boys and have been married for 6 years... I don' t want to not be able to cope in the future. I handled it for 17 years, I don' t want to crack. It' s asif my mind pushes aside the negative things in life - I don' t deal with it. I want to stop allowing people to do what they want with me.. I wanna be able to say no and stand up for who and what I am.... what will happen to me and my family? Please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Lilly, Sorry to hear about this. Odd, isn't it, how people interested in molesting others, often seemm to cluster, or to pick on people who have already been victimized. And sad, too, how many mothers seem to give up, and feel unable to act efectively so as to protect their daughters ( or, indeed, sons ). And early molestation tends to mess up one's relationship with oneself, with sex, and with other people of both sexes. Fortunately, skilled and experienced counselling can help a good deal. You can learn to be aserttive and to say no when this is best --- don't blame yourself for this difficulty --- you were trained not to say no.
And masturbation is natural and normal, and probably, in your experience, the safest form of sex available, and doesn't deprive your husband or anyone else of anything. Nothing whatever to feel bad about. Don't deprive yourself of that comfort. You're not likely to crack, and in fact you have shown considerable strength through a difficult life. And yes, one way o oping has probably to enhance your skills of Denial, of pushing tuings aside and not seeing the ugly aspects of life, where this is possible. But you do, so much, deserve to see a good pychotherapist / counsellor, NOT a church counsellor if possible --- someone with no axes of their own to grind, for support and help to learn even better ways of coping. You will bwecome stronger, happier, and more confidenrt and scure, with the appropiate help

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anon! | 2009-04-08

Hi Lilly

I friend of mine was also abuse, apperantly man feel, or sens a women that was sexual abuse, thats why , one agterthe other come to abuse you.

Suggest counselling to find closure on this matter.

Love always

Reply to Anon!

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