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Question
Posted by: beauty | 2011/02/12

raped at childhood costing me my marriage

When I was 5 I was molested repeatedly. I''m my heart I dealt with it forgave the person. Really I thought forgiving means being completely healed. Quess I was wrong.

I''m now 25 and abt to be divorced bcos I was raped as a child. I never talked to any1 abt the abuse but my husband and recently my shrink.

I have always reacted the same way to men including every man in my family. I neva wanted to be under their authority. And when I got married the same thing happened I controlled my husband everything had to go my way and in the process disrespected him and stripped him off his pride and ego as a man. I never allowed him to be my head. I couldn''t stand being controlled by him so I made sure he doesn''t even get a chance to tell me what to do.

I never connected this behavior towards men until my husband and I broke up and I dicided to go see a schrink. After a few sessions of cos the abuse came out and he told me that most of the time girls who were abused as childen tend to be too controlling subconsciously every man who tells them what to do takes them back to the event when a man told them what to do and they never had control over it. So they never ever want to feel out of control.

My problem now is though now I understand the root of my controlling issues it is sad that I never asked this man to abuse me. If I cud have I would have stopped him but I was 5. Now while the bastard is enjoying his life, I''m paying for it over and over again.

I''m loosing my marriage bcos I was abused and became a control freak in fear and without even being aware that it is the reason I treated my husband the way I did. The reason I treated my uncles my boss at work and every other man.

Before I got married I wud never even allow any guy to buy me anything bcos I didn''t want to be owned by a man. My friends found it wierd that I wud never allow a man to do anything for me.

I realise now that I''m seeing a schrink that this issue has dictated most of my life.

I am blamed by the world today bcos of something I cudnt control.

I have a lil girl and I wanted to raise my lil girl with her father. As a family bcos somehow I resent single parenting bcos if my dad had married my mom then I wudnt have stayed with relatives which lead to my abuse.

Now my own daughter will be affected by the same situation bcos she might grow up without a father and a mother all bcos I was abused as a child.

And we say life is fair? So many lives are affected by something that stupid.

I so wish I spoke to the schrink before I got married or opened up to some1 who wud have enlightened me abt this.

Its too late now. But its fine. I won''t let it dictate my life any longer. Whether my husband stays or goes I won''t let the fool who did this to me do it to me every single day.

I''m aware now of why I have been like this towards men.now I will be working on. How to be a less controlling person and to trully heal from all these. Its just a bit too much for me.

I thought growing up without a father was the only reason why I didn''t know how to treat a man.

Who do I now blame? My dad for not marrying my mom? Myself for making myself a victim? Myself for not talking abt it? No one is to blame but the one who did this to me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't think it is every necesary or even wise to "forgive" the perpetrator of child abuse. Not in the sense of seeking to bring any comfort or encouragement to the abuser. Only in the sense of releasing yourself from feeling tied by bitterness to recall of the events. "Forgiving", sold as a solution by naive people who do not in the least understanding of abuse and its effects NEVER EVER promotes healing.
Sounds like your counselling may have begun to yield some useful insights. You're right, it would be so desirable for people aware of having been unpleasantly abused early in life, to see a counsellor / shrink soon, to get this behind them and be better able to organize their lives in a more satisfying way.
Congratulations on reaching the wisdom of resolving not to allow your abuser to continue to affect you any longer. No need to blame anyone else, especially yourself. You responded in ways that seemed practical and possibly effective at the time. Now, with the wisdom of hindsight they seem to have been limiting and unfortunate in their effects - OK, so you don't need to repeat them, and can modify them fruitfully. And maybe if your husband can join you for a session or two with your shrink, he can better understand how things happened and might be prepared to join you in righting things. If so, great ; if not, well, at least that option was tried, and you can make alternative plans for a happier future for yourself and your child

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/13

I don't think it is every necesary or even wise to "forgive" the perpetrator of child abuse. Not in the sense of seeking to bring any comfort or encouragement to the abuser. Only in the sense of releasing yourself from feeling tied by bitterness to recall of the events. "Forgiving", sold as a solution by naive people who do not in the least understanding of abuse and its effects NEVER EVER promotes healing.
Sounds like your counselling may have begun to yield some useful insights. You're right, it would be so desirable for people aware of having been unpleasantly abused early in life, to see a counsellor / shrink soon, to get this behind them and be better able to organize their lives in a more satisfying way.
Congratulations on reaching the wisdom of resolving not to allow your abuser to continue to affect you any longer. No need to blame anyone else, especially yourself. You responded in ways that seemed practical and possibly effective at the time. Now, with the wisdom of hindsight they seem to have been limiting and unfortunate in their effects - OK, so you don't need to repeat them, and can modify them fruitfully. And maybe if your husband can join you for a session or two with your shrink, he can better understand how things happened and might be prepared to join you in righting things. If so, great ; if not, well, at least that option was tried, and you can make alternative plans for a happier future for yourself and your child

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