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Question
Posted by: KC | 2012/10/09

Rape

I jst read the previous question.
For me, I wouldn''t say its rape, I don''t feel good about not wanting sex and therefore jst go along with it. At times though I really do not want to even play along. Like this sat. I said NO NO NO! Yet I gave in in the end but still showed him that I wasn''t happy with it, he still continued for 30mins! I mean what is he thinking! I never spoke to him afterwards and asked him to leave while he kept apologising.

Thing is we''''ve been together 5yrs and I feel guilty because its like I''m never in the mood for it. The 1st 2yrs I was. Now I just allow him to go ahead. He keeps complaining about the lack of second esp..since I''m 25, he is 30 and we getting married next month and he has to ''fight'' for sex.

I also find that this is commen with other women, I feel sorry for him and therefore sometimes I pretend to enjoy it but would would seriously love to learn how I can make myself enjoy sex. I know he loves me and likewise but this is something that we can''t seem to work past and I do not want him looking in other places for it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Do not get married until these issues have been sorted out by you with the help of a proper psychologist in therapy. It is highly unfair to marry anyone when you have problems regarding sex.
Sometimes any of us might not like a particular technique or idea our partner may have, and should feel free to express that, and between you you can adapt.
But when, as you seem to be describing, you NEVER ever feel in the mood for sex, never enjoy it, and are highly reluctant to egage in it, that's not a fair burden to place on your partner. Usually we are all able to be in the mood and enjoy sex, and not to be able to do so is a problem which can respond really well to therapy, which can free you to enjoy this aspect of life.
Otherwise, its like someone who says they only reluctantly eat, but have never ever enjoyed the flavour of food. They're missing something, and unnecessarily limiting their enjoyable experience of life.
If this poor man has to "fight" for sex, Please don't marry him until you have sorted this out. to efefctively lie to him by occasionally pretending to enjoy it, is no basis for an honest and happy or lasting marriage.
As you admit late in your message, you would "seriously love to learn how I can make myself enjoy sex" - you can, you should, and you deserve the best psych help available. Do please, for the sake of both of you, arrange to see a good experienced shrink for an assessment of the problem, and a discussion of treatment options, which will have to include proper expert counselling.
When this has been sorted out, you can proceed to get maried and you will then both be much happer and more likely to have a long and happy marriage.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Blue Eyes | 2012/10/09

Oh dear..why would you even want to get married if sex is a serious issue in your relationship?

It will get worse over time, and i suggest that before you get married, sort that side of your life out before committing..In time it will only bring more resentment and only end up in divorce...

Reply to Blue Eyes
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/09

Do not get married until these issues have been sorted out by you with the help of a proper psychologist in therapy. It is highly unfair to marry anyone when you have problems regarding sex.
Sometimes any of us might not like a particular technique or idea our partner may have, and should feel free to express that, and between you you can adapt.
But when, as you seem to be describing, you NEVER ever feel in the mood for sex, never enjoy it, and are highly reluctant to egage in it, that's not a fair burden to place on your partner. Usually we are all able to be in the mood and enjoy sex, and not to be able to do so is a problem which can respond really well to therapy, which can free you to enjoy this aspect of life.
Otherwise, its like someone who says they only reluctantly eat, but have never ever enjoyed the flavour of food. They're missing something, and unnecessarily limiting their enjoyable experience of life.
If this poor man has to "fight" for sex, Please don't marry him until you have sorted this out. to efefctively lie to him by occasionally pretending to enjoy it, is no basis for an honest and happy or lasting marriage.
As you admit late in your message, you would "seriously love to learn how I can make myself enjoy sex" - you can, you should, and you deserve the best psych help available. Do please, for the sake of both of you, arrange to see a good experienced shrink for an assessment of the problem, and a discussion of treatment options, which will have to include proper expert counselling.
When this has been sorted out, you can proceed to get maried and you will then both be much happer and more likely to have a long and happy marriage.

Reply to cybershrink

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