Our expert says:
What an awful series of events in your first mariage and its break-up ! Your questions are sensible ones, but we are even less well placed to answer them than you are. If yopur lady friend were open to joining you in some relationship counselling sessions, not to guarantee the relationship, but to enable both of you to better understand all that has been and is happening, you might both find the answers, to your mutual benefit, whether or not the central relationship continued. Similarly, as Maria says, the lady herself would probably benefit from individual counselling focussing on such things as her apparent low self-esteem ( which is such that she prefers to settle for what appears safe rather than reaching for more lest she be disappointed or huirt ). But she may not welcome that suggestion.
She sounds as though she has set up a comfort zone, a way of life that suits her --- contented even if not necessarily very happy, and would be reluctant to change that. If she does indeed want you now to be merely a library book, you may need to decide whether you can be content with that role, or would rather end it and continue looking for a relationship that better suits your needs.
And excellent observations, too, from jcat. She does seem to be engaged in constricting rather than expanding her opportunities and life-style
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