Posted by: Lee | 2012-02-06


Dear All

I noted the negative comments on my previous post and wonder why so many woman think that I have to be lonely and am too harsh. I give in a relationship exactly what I am prepared to take. What are we teaching our sons and daughters if we are willing to stay with a person who does not pull their weight in a relationship?
Women say that I will never find a man - is this because I can distinguish between myself and a dishcloth?
Well, I have a very strong man who has no problem with my status, title or salary being seen by society as higher than his. I have exes who admire me now but were too weak to deal with a woman with my personality - many are willing to cheat on their wives with me because the see that I am no walk-over. What type of woman are you? What type of man? The reason I didnt marry those others is because I knew I would not want a son like these men were/are. One of my exes said that the reason he wouldnt marry me is that I could not be tamed. I will never be grateful for a master who comes home every night to be served. My husband would never treat me like that. I chose the right kind of man. He chose a woman he respects as an individual. If you are willing to be a doormat, that is the way most will treat you. I respect my husband and am glad that I found my ideal partner and am proud to have him as the father of my children. He is no pushover, has high standards of himself and me and will never treat me as he would not like be treated. I wouldnt allow it anyway. My son kids were watching a movie the other night about a woman who with her children was emotionally mistreated by her husband and step-father to her kids and my son told my daughter ''Mom is too assertive to ever be treated like that or to allow us to be treated like like that.'' Would your children have the same kind of faith in you?
Why do so many of you see it as unwomanly of me to not take crap from a man when many of you are willing to be " the good woman" ? Please do not teach your children that they have set roles to play.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Interesting that you sound almost proud that Many men are prepared to cheat on their wives wih you, which suggests that you yourself have no respect for all those other women. Nor for your own husband. Its fortunate you chose no to have a son with any of those cheaters, but no son of theirs or yours would inevitably become a cheater too --- its not inherited, but depends on how they are brought up. You sound as glued to specific concepts of male and female roles as those you criticize, its just that the roles you prefer are different from theirs. I agree that neither woman nor man should take crap from ohers, but that doesn't entitle them to pile crap on others, like the wives who get cheated. ( and apparently you provide a necessary part of that cheating ) Instead of entertaining the errant husbands, you could try to teach them not to give their wives crap nor expect them to take it

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2012-02-07

Well said Liza !
Lee, Soften it up a bit girl, you may just like the response you get.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Phil | 2012-02-07

Yes Lee  I knew that we won''t. And now you know it too.  -)
PS: I didn''t need a lto of inteligence to get to this conclusion hey...

But you know what  right niw I feel sympathy for you. You obviously had a need to voice something that hurts deep inside of you. And the way you chose to deal with it was to become who you are now. Unfortuantely the way you expressed it on this site  attracted a lot of negativity. But I somehow I think there are more to you then what you are telling Good for you to come out stronger after being abused. You propably have some resentment towards your parents. Speaking of experince... Today  the bad things that happened in my past made me a great dad. And look at you  you might express it a bit wrong. But you turned out tough. All the best hey..

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Obvious | 2012-02-06

Your lack of gratitude towards those who took the time and effort to reply to your post , including CS , shoes you 2 b a most unpleasant person.
l am glad you have a life partner as with your combative and agressive personality you would be a hard sell.............

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Liza | 2012-02-06

Lee - You''re being disrespectful towards the people who''ve responded to your post and didn''t give you the response you wanted - by implying that you''re close to perfect and every other woman is wrong. Why? Because you don''t like what you''re hearing. This is not the actions of an assertive woman. This is the action of a aggressive and unflexible woman. And there is a big difference between being assertive and just being aggressive. You''re not even trying to see things from a different perspective - rather you''re trying to insist that your perspective is correct.

As for the abuse post - the woman admits that there was a heated exchange. It''s really not too far-fetched to think that the woman was verbally or emotionally abusive and was physically abused in turn. CS was not condoning the abuse - just commenting that there might have been mitigating factors. And he did recommend couples counseling even if he did forget to mention that the child would benefit from counseling too.

To be honest - the tone of your posts are rather abrasive and knee-jerk in nature. As I''ve said before - don''t take the opinions of others so personally. It makes it seem as if you''re trying to prove something to yourself...


Reply to Liza
Posted by: Madam | 2012-02-06

Lee you sound hurt and lonely

Reply to Madam
Posted by: Roommate | 2012-02-06

You are so full of yourself. Oh, and so inteligent and beautifull and so clever and learned and.... stuff.. and every man wants you and buy you gifts and........ Bleh
Better hang on to your man.

Reply to Roommate
Posted by: Lee | 2012-02-06

Phil, debate with me but don''t try to insult. Please show some intelligence. You and I both know we wouldnt date each other, we''re not each other''s type and I''m married  ). Surely you will respect that.
Hey, Roommate - Id lose an arm wrestle but battle of the minds, any day. I like your sense of humour.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Lee | 2012-02-06

Cybershrink , with all due respect, how can you claim to be professional while making wild assumptions about me? Please highlight for me the part where I sound proud of these men or disrespectful of my husband and the other men''s wives their wives? Then also add there your analysis of my comments. Please give me the clarity I am so obviously missing (together with your professional affiliation) or is it too disrepectful of me to be asking you that? I would willingly place mine. I respect women more than a professional who wants to know what a woman who is beaten has done to deserve it and who does not even bother to suggest that woman take her 4 year old daughter for therapy when she has witnessed this beating. With all due respect. Here is a person who can debate with you and not just accept your responses.
Yes, I have been hurt by a mother who allowed her lover to sexually abuse me for 7 years when I was a child. I am not a victim though and require no sympathy. It has made me assertive, the type of woman only a very strong man can partner. No weaklings, who cannot control their sexual urges, need apply. So no, I am not interested in these men.
I do also have a tender, warm relationship with my deserving husband, Romany. I am talking to all those woman who are warm and loving no matter what their men treat them like. You know what I mean, surely.
I do not celebrate the commercialism of Valentine''s Day (and no, it does not mean that I have not received my fair share of cards and roses and chocolates). I have seen so many girls grow into women wiht expectations and then being disappointed by the commercial world we live in. But if that is what blows your domestic bubble, don''t let me burst it.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Roommate | 2012-02-06

What are you gusy doing for Valentines? Arm wrestling?

Reply to Roommate
Posted by: Phil | 2012-02-06

I share Cybershrinks views. If I was your husband  I''d be very concerned. You collected the men''s balls I suppose  maybe they are just trying to be buddies to get it
Jokes aside. You sound proud of your trophies of men? Why you still have conatct with them? Why do you know they will be unfaithfull to their wifes? Obviously ä  decent" woman liek yourself wouldn''t be disscussing things like that with other men or x''s?
Lady  I wouldn''t date you if you came with a 30 million rand lottery ticket with the littel bit I know about you. No offense.....

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Romany | 2012-02-06

After reading your post and also CS''s BRILLIANT replay, I went back to your previous post and extracted the followin... in capital letters mind you...
I think you were probably very hurt somewhere in your life time. This has made you a hard, inflexible person that wants her way and only her way, regardless who you walk over to get that.
You know what, it is really amazing to have a SOFT and equall relationship with a husband.
I am not assertive, I am flexible. Not a pushover but not a hardass..
My children respect both my husband and myself.
We have a peacefull, argue free, relationship.
We help each other because WE WANT TO not HAVE TO.
I have very few ex''s so I would not know about ex''s wanting to have sex with me and cheat on their wives.
I am something for they eye I am told, but I have no desire to test other men to find out if they want sex with me. I am happy within my relationship and within myself.
If either of us should fall, the other one will pick him/her up. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he cooks. Sometimes he has and he gives, sometimes I have and I give, mostly we just share.
Does men really find hardass, dictator-like, feministic women attractive or is it just that some men have no balls and accept this?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Liza | 2012-02-06

You have principles and you stick by them. That is a trait to be admired - not ridiculed. Unfortunately everybody has their own opinions on how a relationship should work - so expecting everyone to agree with you is a bit unrealistic. Most people also tend to try and ''read between the lines'' - making assumptions based on the way you write and the way they perceive what you''ve written. This perception is often completely different from your own perception of the situation when you were writing your message. So don''t take it too personally.

The problem with many women who post here, is that they have low self-esteem and don''t respect themselves. If you don''t have respect for yourself, how is anyone else supposed to respect you? Most of us post on this website because we have problems. Those that are happy in their life and their relationships aren''t all that likely to visit this site - which gives the skewed impression that all women allow themselves to be treated as doormats. Sometimes it''s also a long journey between being abused and learning to love and respect yourself. So don''t judge those who''re still busy trying to complete that journey.

I know that my journey was measured in years.

Good Luck

Reply to Liza

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