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Question
Posted by: Sensible | 2010/09/13

&quot In-laws"  dilemma

Dear Prof
Please help me out. I am living together in my rented townhouse with my boyfriend of 3,5 years and my 8-year-old daughter. Now he has brought his sister from home (Polokwane) over the weekend without consulting with me first. The sister (20) is here to look for work and will stay indefinitely (until she gets a job), which might take years because she only has Matric. The thing is we are not even married and he is putting me in this tough position. He should have at least paid lobola by now, maybe that would be a different story. My parents are highly respective and I know they won''t like this even though I''m old enough (34). Should I tell my boyfriend to take the sister back home? Please help!!! I''m HIV positive and don''t need this kind of stress in my life.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder in whose name the townhouse is rented, and who pays the rent ( or most of it ) - in other words, who can really claim it is their home. But any way, it was of course inconsiderate and rude of him to bring his sister or anyone, to stay without discussing it with you first. Maybe the family sprung it on him without giving him a change to discuss it with you ?
Discuss it with him now, and rather than beginning with a grumble ("Why on earth agree to this without discussing it with me ? ") start more positively, like " SHame, did they spring this idea on you without warning, at home ? I'm sure you would have wanted to discuss it with me before agreeing. Ayhow, now we have the situation, we must agree on the ground rules. What I suggest is this... " and propose - it is not to be a stay for as long as she likes. ( with only matric she might have a better cance of finding work at home ) === it must be for an agreed period, say 6 months, in which she will work very hard at job finding, and prepare to move out to her own place as soon as possible. And if within 6 months she has not found a job, she must go home. And until she can pay her way, she must help out round the home with chores.
And remind him that as he hasn't even begun paying lobola, tis is a bit muh to land on your doorstep, so maybe you need also to discuss his intentions towards you in the near future.
If it is YOUR townhouse, you can be stronger, and give the girl 3 months maximum, and tell him that unless he proceeds through lobola with a real committment to you, he should also be looking for somewhere else to stay.
Don't get stressed about this, and respond in a manner that is assertive ( standing up for yourself ) but not aggressive.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Sensible | 2010/09/14

Thank you.

Reply to Sensible
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/13

I wonder in whose name the townhouse is rented, and who pays the rent ( or most of it ) - in other words, who can really claim it is their home. But any way, it was of course inconsiderate and rude of him to bring his sister or anyone, to stay without discussing it with you first. Maybe the family sprung it on him without giving him a change to discuss it with you ?
Discuss it with him now, and rather than beginning with a grumble ("Why on earth agree to this without discussing it with me ? ") start more positively, like " SHame, did they spring this idea on you without warning, at home ? I'm sure you would have wanted to discuss it with me before agreeing. Ayhow, now we have the situation, we must agree on the ground rules. What I suggest is this... " and propose - it is not to be a stay for as long as she likes. ( with only matric she might have a better cance of finding work at home ) === it must be for an agreed period, say 6 months, in which she will work very hard at job finding, and prepare to move out to her own place as soon as possible. And if within 6 months she has not found a job, she must go home. And until she can pay her way, she must help out round the home with chores.
And remind him that as he hasn't even begun paying lobola, tis is a bit muh to land on your doorstep, so maybe you need also to discuss his intentions towards you in the near future.
If it is YOUR townhouse, you can be stronger, and give the girl 3 months maximum, and tell him that unless he proceeds through lobola with a real committment to you, he should also be looking for somewhere else to stay.
Don't get stressed about this, and respond in a manner that is assertive ( standing up for yourself ) but not aggressive.

Reply to cybershrink

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