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Question
Posted by: Louise | 2010/04/05

Psychotherapy guilt

Dear Cybershrink. My query 992 refers. Please help as I am very confused and feeling very ashamed. Why do you feel there is an emotional impasse? Are my feelings the problem - I thought transfernce was fairly common?
What does he mean when he says that I pose an indirect threat but that my feelings are not the threat??

Just panicking because I don''t want to have to terminate after everything I have been through.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There is an emotional impase because you are describing am immature and relatively inexperienced therapist apparently not dealing well with elements likely to arise when using the obsolete methods mentioned. Who know that he means by what he says ? I"m not confident that even he does. YOu sound trapped in the familiar trap of sterile psychoanalysis - one developes a habit of over-analyzing things as a substitute for actually solving problems, and after a prolonged and expensive investment in a sterile technique, fear stopping it for fear of losing your investment, without recognizing that you have already lost your investment, and are not just pouring more resources into a failed investment
And as P gently points out, whenever therapy becomes more about the therapist than it is about you, it is useless at best.
But of course it's entirely up to you, and something both you and your therapist should have the guts to discuss directly and frankly

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Our users say:
Posted by: P | 2010/04/06

I''ve heard stories like yours before and I haven''t heard of a single one yet that has had a happy end. Becoming emotionally attached isn''t uncommon when you''re vulnerable and therapy lasts long. But I think once there''s an emotional charge there, therapy no longer works because instead of you being the center of " study" , the therapist becomes the center in your mind. If in a strictly professional situation you''d listen to what he says and try to understand your inner self and your concerns with his help, in a situation like yours, you''ll always be sensitive to what he says. His arguments will give you a particular emotion - some will make you happy, some will make you sad... You''ll always hope he will say what you want to hear and you''ll be disappointed when he says things you didn''t want to hear. And disappointment will cause distress. So having him as a therapist from this moment on makes no sense, since it is more likely to cause instability than solve whatever problems you were initially trying to sort out. I also understand that in your position you''re hoping that Cybershrink or someone will eventually encourage you to follow your heart but you therapist made it clear that he doesn''t want things to go into the same direction as you - certainly because however inexperienced he may be, he knows something like that usually ends pretty badly (It''s interesting that a friend once told me that you should always keep some mystery in a relationship, keep the best to yourself, she said..And I believe that''s the key to longlasting relationships.. You want to always have something new to discover, something surprising happening from time to time that reminds you why you love that person so much.. but once you know someone as deeply as your therapist must know you by now, interest doesn''t last long and feelings fade pretty quickly). Do you even know if he is married or in a relationship? I know it hurts, but you should definitely look for a different therapist as soon as possible. If, after this one that you have now is no longer professionally related to you, he changes his mind (which I don''t think he will, though), it''s another story. But don''t mix things. Be strong and move away before the environment between you two becomes impossible to work in and things end leaving you feeling really awkward.

Reply to P
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/06

There is an emotional impase because you are describing am immature and relatively inexperienced therapist apparently not dealing well with elements likely to arise when using the obsolete methods mentioned. Who know that he means by what he says ? I"m not confident that even he does. YOu sound trapped in the familiar trap of sterile psychoanalysis - one developes a habit of over-analyzing things as a substitute for actually solving problems, and after a prolonged and expensive investment in a sterile technique, fear stopping it for fear of losing your investment, without recognizing that you have already lost your investment, and are not just pouring more resources into a failed investment
And as P gently points out, whenever therapy becomes more about the therapist than it is about you, it is useless at best.
But of course it's entirely up to you, and something both you and your therapist should have the guts to discuss directly and frankly

Reply to cybershrink

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