Posted by: Lira | 2012-11-26

Pshycopath mother-in-law

My hubby-to be''s mom is a pshycopath.I''m not just saying it and using the term loosly.I listened to a program on the radio about pshycopaths and their characteristics and starting doing research about it and she has 90% of the characteristics.He is a wonderful partner, considering, loving caring respectful but the catch is his mother.She was a single mother and has inflicted a lot of pain on her 2 children.His brother was raised by his grandparents and she decided to take him back at age 8 where he was emaotionally abused by her then husband - my fiance''s dad since it was not his child and he didn''t want to raise another mans child.His brother is also a great person but very confused and probably in need of some counselling.He is 40 and can still not stand up to his mother which has caused a lot of problems in his marriage.As if his life so far has not been bad enough, his wife has had several affairs and is a boarderline alcholic.My fiance can also not stand up to his mom and it''s also casing a lot of problems between us.I''m not saying that his brother''s wife is being unfaithful because of his mother and that I''m planning to do the same but it is sure not helping the situation if you see what his mom is capable of and have done.I have also read that there is no treatment for pshycopaths which makes everything much more complicated.I am very much in love with my fiance but is trying to find a solution.I have suggested he go for councelling (eventhough we can''t really afford to)to to learn how to have more the assertiveness to stand up against her because he and his brother are terrified of her and always give in to all her commands and requests.I think he also don''t really like the fact that I''ve labelled his mom as a pshycopath but she is driving me insane and I the info came as a blessing.I don''t wont our marriage to end up like his brother''s and I need a way to cope with this and trying to look for solutions.

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Our expert says:
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You need to be realistic about the situation. With a properly adult mate who has become a genuinely independent adult, fond of their parents but not controlled by or in thrall to them, you can choose to have a relationship and eventual marriage with the individual themselves.
But where the person is not yet adult enough to be free of the commands of a parent, then your marriage would be with him plus her, and that won't work out.
And if he hasn't learned to become his own man by 40, its highly unlikely he ever will. So long as he and his brother choose to allow her command over them, they will not be able to have happy and free relationships with anyone else. And apparently his brother's marriage shows the way it is likely to go.
Calling his mom a psychopath isn't actually helpful, and may be understandably offensive to him. Labelling as such is rarely helpful. The label isn't necessary - its the nature of his relationship with her, and vice versa, which is causing problems and which will continue to do so. Frankly, I don't see any likely way out of this situation, especially as change on the part of him, his mom and his broader family, seems so very highly unlikely

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