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Question
Posted by: Mary | 2009/10/31

Problems with stepdaughter

I' m happily married to my husband of 5 years. We have a 3 year old girl and we' re expecting another baby. My husband' s 22 year old daugther is really making our lives miserable. Although her dad and I try our best to support her, she is making impossible financial demands on us - like taking a gap year without workinga andl insisting on visiting a pschycologist once a week even though our medical aid is exhausted and we still have to pay for my gynae visits. According to her, if her dad did not put her through the trauma of divorce, she wouldn' t need help in the first place. I feel she is manipulating my husband, but he sees no way out but to pay up - even if the money is coming from his retirement fund. I appreciate the fact that divorce is hard on kids and that she probably feels threatened by the new baby, but where do we draw the line? I don' t want to be the evil stepmom, but how do I deal with this situation?

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Our expert says:
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There's Support and then there's Indulgence. NObody needs a Gap Year - it;'s a fashion, and if she wants one, she should have taken a part-time job and saved up for it. And unless there is an overhwelming medical reason, seeing a psychologist once a week, at someone else's expense, is also a selfish indulgence and not a necessity. She urgently needs to be pushed to get a job and pay for her own indulgences, and to learn what things actually cost in the real world., and to stop spending other people's money so lavishly.
The "trauma o divorce" is nonsense and very very rarely leads to problems needing so much attention - sounds far more like an excuse, designed to make Daddy feel guilty.
Why can't she stay with her Mom, and see how she feels about all this self-indulgence ?
The line should have been drawn long, long ago, but i's never too late. She is being spoiled, and this is bad for her as well as for you and the coming child.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shazz | 2009/11/02

I am 26 and the best thing that my parents ever did was make me get a job, it doesnt matter if she earns peanuts, its the fact that she is earning something on her own. She is used to sponging off mom and dad and doesnt want to change it. Its time for her to get out, cut the apron strings, get off her butt and do something for herself for a change. She can waitress or temp or something like that, doesnt have to be a job with huge responsibility. If she doesnt start now, she will never start. As was said before, your husbands responsibility is to you and the children now, his daughter is over the legal age, its time for her to start acting like it

Reply to Shazz
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/11/01

CS as usual is spot on. The yound lady is a brat. At 22 years of age she neeeds to be made to come to her senses. This attitude she has towards her father sounds like a childish " revenge"  As his wife, I would put some serious pressure on him for him to come to his senses and be more realistic towards his daughter. Clearly she has no respect for him or you and that is not acceptable. If it means that you have to become the " evil"  step mom, then you must to teach her to respect you both. Do not indulge her any further. The moment you take a firm stand you will see a change for the better., Personally, I would do everything in my power to get her out the house and of course, stop any unnecessary expenditure/pocket money etc etc. YOU my dear are you husbands prime concern. NOT her. Good luck

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/11/01

CS as usual is spot on. The yound lady is a brat. At 22 years of age she neeeds to be made to come to her senses. This attitude she has towards her father sounds like a childish " revenge"  As his wife, I would put some serious pressure on him for him to come to his senses and be more realistic towards his daughter. Clearly she has no respect for him or you and that is not acceptable. If it means that you have to become the " evil"  step mom, then you must to teach her to respect you both. Do not indulge her any further. The moment you take a firm stand you will see a change for the better., Personally, I would do everything in my power to get her out the house and of course, stop any unnecessary expenditure/pocket money etc etc. YOU my dear are you husbands prime concern. NOT her. Good luck

Reply to Wise Owl

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