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Question
Posted by: Tiffany from Nelspruit | 2009-11-19

Problem with porno

Please I need urgent advice.
Before I met my hb he was into normal porn magazines and movies and used it to his satisfaction, so he told me. He was in fact very shy and never realy had woman in his life.
He got rid of everything when we met. I know I am a sexy woman and I have a good effect on him.
But my problem is he met these new friends and these guys send him serious porn and all they ever talk about is these hot woman.
I am seriously worried that this porn may cause him to be interested in other woman but in a sexual way.
He started looking around a lot.
He always use to look at other woman but now he stares at them, flirts and smile.
He'  s got a lot of confidence with woman and that bothers me.
We are always together and do everything together but it realy hurts me a lot.
He still wants me all the time but in my mind I wonder is it because of all the porn.
Will he cheat on me because of all this lust and curiosity?
I know that most men look at woman and porn that is the reason why I dont fight with him and I know that if I would fight he would do it behind my back.
What do you think goes through a man'  s brain if he look at other woman on the street or in shops do you think it is just sexual thoughts? Please help me.
Do you think if we are together he thinks of the hot babes in the porn.
I realy cant speak to him about it and all of my family and friends are overseas.
What can I do. I realy start to feel like a nobody and unattractive.
He always makes comments about woman on the tv about how hot and sexy they are and that he would like to go and visit them, put in a playfull matter but this shows me that all he has on his brain is sex.
Please. please, please give me advics.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is common for men to think about sex more frequently than women. It is, however, important for us to separate fantasy and sexy thoughts from reality. When having sex, men and women may use fantasy to help maintain arousal and even facilitate timing of climax. It sounds like your partner takes great pleasure in your relationship. Your feelings of low self esteem and unattractiveness may be related to trying to compare yourself with ‘porn’ images. This is counterproductive and can be harmful long term. Part of a good relationship is learning to talk about these things, however hard it is! Sooner is better than later. Start by saying how much you value your relationship and a desire to grow together. It may be helpful for him to know that the regular use of pornography can negatively affect relationships. There is some evidence that suggests that use of internet porn changes the arousal circuit in the brain, effectively meaning that the user gets used to high levels of stimulation and require more to achieve similar levels of arousal. Verbalise this concern without making it a ‘moral’ issue – it is what we are learning from research. Try getting back in touch with each other and do fun things that are sexy and build relationship. Expert opinions are provided by the SA Sexual Health Association: www.sexualhealth.co.za

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there | 2009-11-24

Hi Tiffany  Girl, be carefull... My ex was also into his porn mags when we met etc. I never had a problem with him watching it - as a matter of fact - I watched it with him. I even bought him the hustler etc on a monthly basis... 4 months ago I found out that he registered on some of the sites they advertise in the magazines. He' s been having a ball with these women without me knowing it. It ruined our relationship - we didn' t have sex anymore unless he chatted to one of his women... I was his convenient sex tool because he could not have that woman at that moment. He would masturbate in bed (right next to me) and not touch me jsut after chatting to one of his women (believe me there were LOTS). Porn is addictive and they cannot stop doing it. We started seeing a dr to try and help him and it came out that he is too shy to discuss his fantasies with me... About a week later he started doing it again and he said that he doesn' t know why he is doing it. I am affraid that you are going to get hurt. I decided to break it off with him . We still have contact as friends and he said that he is still doing it. His new girlfriend doesn' t know that he is back to his old tricks.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Babe | 2009-11-20

Just regarding the looking, some woman overreact when their partner looks at other women in the shops etc, while it is really quite natural for men to do that, and for woman to look at good-looking guys. I love the looks from other men, my husband joins in the fun and tells me this one looked at you now and I reciprocate by nudging him when I see an attractive woman. This can be such fun and is so often being made a big deal for nothing, wasting valuable time and energy on fighting in stead of fun and loving.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Opinion | 2009-11-20

I like what Um had to say. In fact I was thinking about the same answer while reading CS' s reply. Turn the tables on him and start making sexy remarks about guys you see. His comments are disrespectful and no real man should place his lady in that position. Yes most guys are thinking about sex or what a woman may look like etc, but they should keep it to themselves and not make it obvious to their partner.

Reply to Opinion
Posted by: Opinion | 2009-11-20

I like what Um had to say. In fact I was thinking about the same answer while reading CS' s reply. Turn the tables on him and start making sexy remarks about guys you see. His comments are disrespectful and no real man should place his lady in that position. Yes most guys are thinking about sex or what a woman may look like etc, but they should keep it to themselves and not make it obvious to their partner.

Reply to Opinion
Posted by: um | 2009-11-19

I agree that men watch porn. there, now we know.
The best would be to discuss this with him and ask that he respects you a little more. I felt really bad when my ex went overboard with this. It made me feel ugly.
There' s a line and he mustn' t cross it, because it makes you feel like $hit and maybe he needs to know that so you two can talk it out maturely.
I hope it works out for you!

Reply to um
Posted by: XXX | 2009-11-19

As I mentioned in an earlier posting,watching porn should really involve both parties otherwise it only leads to issues.
You need to your man about how much you love him but you need to highlight your concerns and let him know what the boundaries that you agree to.
All men will watch porn if sent/given to them,the question is how far do they then go with that.
Why not suggest that you watch a blue movie together for example.
Porn can certainly become an addiction and needs to be controlled.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: jimbo | 2009-11-19

tiffany i think you could be overreacting....what man doesnt look at other woman ...what man doesnt say  hell shes hot [actress] i think the majority of men in s.a. have watched some type of porn in there life...thats not to say its not damaging to a relationship,but for most men its a fantacy..only a fantacy....

Reply to jimbo
Posted by: um | 2009-11-19

I' m just curious? What if you did the same to him? Like commented on sexy guys and make " jokes"  about wanting them / going to visit them?
My ex hubby had this problem but he got seriously mad at me when I made him taste his own medicine.
And I figured also, for someone to do that means that they are very insecure. Are you much better looking then him? He may feel threatened by that.

You will need to explore this some more and try come up with a strategy to overcome his insecurity. he' s overcompensating for something by going overboard like this.
How keen would he be on counselling do you think?
My ex wasn' t at all. Needless to say, that' s why he is the ex. But each situation is different.
All I can do is wish you the very best. Try all you can, explore some solutions and see what happens.

Reply to um
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009-11-19

It is common for men to think about sex more frequently than women. It is, however, important for us to separate fantasy and sexy thoughts from reality. When having sex, men and women may use fantasy to help maintain arousal and even facilitate timing of climax. It sounds like your partner takes great pleasure in your relationship. Your feelings of low self esteem and unattractiveness may be related to trying to compare yourself with ‘porn’ images. This is counterproductive and can be harmful long term. Part of a good relationship is learning to talk about these things, however hard it is! Sooner is better than later. Start by saying how much you value your relationship and a desire to grow together. It may be helpful for him to know that the regular use of pornography can negatively affect relationships. There is some evidence that suggests that use of internet porn changes the arousal circuit in the brain, effectively meaning that the user gets used to high levels of stimulation and require more to achieve similar levels of arousal. Verbalise this concern without making it a ‘moral’ issue – it is what we are learning from research. Try getting back in touch with each other and do fun things that are sexy and build relationship. Expert opinions are provided by the SA Sexual Health Association: www.sexualhealth.co.za

Reply to Sexologist

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