advertisement
Question
Posted by: D pressed | 2011/12/20

Problem with marriage

Good Day Doctor,

I have been married for the past three and a half years and been with my wife for 10 years now. By now we would have thought we knew each other, more that I would know myself. I am 30. She is 28.

I have lied to her during the past 10 years about various " small"  things and she has been kind enough to forgive me - some how every time she finds out, so I am honest and explain to her. Her reasoning however is what was the need to lie in the first place. My response is in order not to upset her, but it does anyway.

On thursday she found out that I had some weed for the past three months, and now she is really angry and has not spoken to me since then. I knew about having it, but didnt tell her, as I knew she''d be upset. I gave it to a friend of mine and that is how she noticed I had it, which is when I told her what had happened.

She is not talking to me, and says she cannot trust me. I also agree, and would like to put an end to the lies. My reasoning is that nothing major happened, and it is now over, however the concern is that this is not the first time that I have lied.
When we fought about it she slapped me, and said really hurtful things. I also know that I have hurt her repeatedly, so I even considered ways of suicide, however thankfully there isn''t much available on the internet.

I dont know what to do, and I want to regain her trust as well as bring our marriage to a stage where she considers me to be a trustworthy husband.

She did mention to me that she will not leave me due to dishonouring our culture and her parents. Right now I am feel extrememly guilty, and also sensitive to the hurtful things she said when she was angry, and having not said anything since.

I dont know how to approach the situation and fix the lying.

Please advise.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not uncommon that you adopt a strategy supposed to minimise strife, which actually increases it. But then you would change the strategy. If lying to her causes problems consistently, and you are usually discovered when you do so, why not adopt an all truth policy rather than a selective but unsuccessful one ?
Suicide isn't remotely an answer to anything. Suggest she join you in marriage counselling to sort this out, and if at first she is reluctant, start seeing a counsellor on your own, and invite her to join you when she wishes to do so.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Bron | 2011/12/21

Your wife clearly loves you very much and understands the implications of taking pot/weed. It is a very destructive drug and changes people over time. They believe in an altered state of reality and become strangers to the ones who love them. I know, I grew up with a step-dad who used it. She needs counselling too, so maybe together you can go and sort it out as it might destroy a marriage which could otherwise be very successful and happy.

Reply to Bron
Posted by: Romany | 2011/12/20

CS will not come back to your post so he will not see your question. Phone your hospital and they will provide you with details.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: D pressed | 2011/12/20

Dear Doc,

Do you have contact details for a counsellor in the Johannesburg area?

Reply to D pressed
Posted by: Romany | 2011/12/20

Firstly, In the eyes of a woman ALL LIES ARE EQUAL. So whether it is a small lie or a medium lie or a big lie, or maybe just something you chose not to mention..... it makes no difference to us.
You have lied and you cannot be trusted anymore.........
Telling lies is a desease as far as I am concerned and can only be cured by therapy/councilling etc.
Maybe discuss this with your wife, which you WILL loose soon if you do not address this situation.... maybe she can join you? Start by phoning FAMSA and take it from there?
Good luck you can do this.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/20

Its not uncommon that you adopt a strategy supposed to minimise strife, which actually increases it. But then you would change the strategy. If lying to her causes problems consistently, and you are usually discovered when you do so, why not adopt an all truth policy rather than a selective but unsuccessful one ?
Suicide isn't remotely an answer to anything. Suggest she join you in marriage counselling to sort this out, and if at first she is reluctant, start seeing a counsellor on your own, and invite her to join you when she wishes to do so.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement