advertisement
Question
Posted by: thandi | 2009/11/06

problem

I am just about to get married in December, now I have a problem with my husband, he has 2 kids aged 13 &  22 1 we stay with and the other is staying with the mother. The 13 years old is very spoilt and the father does not want anything when you say something he will say you' ve got issues or you are problematic. The other 22 staying with the mother has a baby we were debating the other day that he must not pay maintenance because the child is now 22 and has a baby we get paid on the 15th when it is about to be the pay date the child will send bills to the father that she wants this and that.
today when we were about to go to work she called and the father answer the phone in another room at the end he said its my baby she said she has done a course and is now graduating so she needs assistance and yet I know that is not so he has promised her to throw a party for her 1 year old baby.
Am I selfish or what because now he seems to be very secretive and he says he is a responsible man and cannot abondan his children I dont know what to do am I cruel

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its unfortunately common for kids wose parents are divorced to become spoiled by parents who feel guilty, and to be denied their right to proper loving discipline. Interestingly the spoiling parent usually blames anyone who points this out and insists that it is THEM who have a problem.
Similarly, paying maintenance to a 22-year-old may be unhelpful for the child, discouraging them from getting on their own feet and furthering their studies or getting to work. A 22 year-old who chooses to have a baby, should not expect her father to support her and her child, let alone make demands as to what she wants to get. Throwing a party for a one-year-old is something the child cannot appreciate - it's done so the mother can show off to others. If she can't afford parties, she should not have had a child yet. And if she is graduating from a course, shouldn't she be looking for a job ?
It really sounds as though this guy is not yet emotionally and dinancially independent enough to get married, and may not be able to continue to spoil both these kids and a wife, let alone any further kids he may have with you. You are not being selfish - in a way, HE is ; selfish towards you and the marriage he is supposedly committed to.
When a kid is 22, a graduate and has chosen to have a child without being able to support it ( what about maintenance from the child's father ? ), it is not "abandoning" her to expect her to stand on her own 2 feet. You need to seriously re-think this relationship and the plan for marriage. He seems more ready to "abandon" his wife-to-be than his mature and adult child

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/06

Its unfortunately common for kids wose parents are divorced to become spoiled by parents who feel guilty, and to be denied their right to proper loving discipline. Interestingly the spoiling parent usually blames anyone who points this out and insists that it is THEM who have a problem.
Similarly, paying maintenance to a 22-year-old may be unhelpful for the child, discouraging them from getting on their own feet and furthering their studies or getting to work. A 22 year-old who chooses to have a baby, should not expect her father to support her and her child, let alone make demands as to what she wants to get. Throwing a party for a one-year-old is something the child cannot appreciate - it's done so the mother can show off to others. If she can't afford parties, she should not have had a child yet. And if she is graduating from a course, shouldn't she be looking for a job ?
It really sounds as though this guy is not yet emotionally and dinancially independent enough to get married, and may not be able to continue to spoil both these kids and a wife, let alone any further kids he may have with you. You are not being selfish - in a way, HE is ; selfish towards you and the marriage he is supposedly committed to.
When a kid is 22, a graduate and has chosen to have a child without being able to support it ( what about maintenance from the child's father ? ), it is not "abandoning" her to expect her to stand on her own 2 feet. You need to seriously re-think this relationship and the plan for marriage. He seems more ready to "abandon" his wife-to-be than his mature and adult child

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement