Posted by: Shane Pillay | 2012-12-11

PreTeen Rude Disrecptful behaviour

Dear Sir,
I have a 9 year old daughter who can be extremely sweet, kindhearted, caring, loving and all those nice things BUT her rudeness and disrespectfulness can not be tolerated anymore. She complains to me see hates her mom and say things such as " I wish I never had mummy or daddy as a parent" . The other day she was quiet rude to her grandmother and the list goes on. One can not believe I`m talking about the same child. I hate to spank and I think she`s too old for me to wack her. I love my daughter very much and I get angry at others who pick a fight with my baby girl. Please help by advising me how to teach her to be a good little girl with manners. No back chatting or been bucky.. please help a loving dad!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Spanking and whacking don't work, so that won't solve any problem. And at 9 years old, she is NOT your "baby girl", and maybe that attitude is encouraging her to behave like the spoiled brat child you're describing.
Purple is right. You and your wife need first to agree on a code of acceptable conduct for the child, then sit down wih the kid and explain, calmly but very firmly that these rules are not negotiable, and that they include NO disrespect and rudeness to other people, parents or others. And spell out a code of punishments, that for breaking these basic rules, she will lose for a set period of time ( extended if she repeats the bad behaviour ) things she likes - access to TV, cell-phone, games, whatever SHE values. By keeping to the rules and behaving politely and pleasantly - and you can emphasize how very nicely she so often does this - she can regain the privileges lost.
SO, one outburst of rudeness against someone. and she loses her cell-phone for 3 days. If repeated within the week, she loses it for a week.
And things she wans but doesn't have yet, she has to earn by so many weeks of good behaviour.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leila | 2012-12-12

It could also be that she has discovered that she could get away easy with her behaviour by venting in this way. It must not be tolerated in the first stages but now since she''s been doing this all the time thats why I advised you as how to handle it now.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Leila | 2012-12-12

Shane, take the opportunity when she is in her very sweet mood. Get close to her and discuss the matter in a very light-hearted manner. Use that time to point out to her what she is doing is unacceptable and wrong. You can also ask her what is making her perform like that. I think this should be the first step towards disciplining her. Let us know how far you managed with this.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Purple | 2012-12-12

They all backchat at this age. I also have a very sweet 8 year old who backchats just as much.

Spanking is never useful at any age.

Try sitting her down, and pointing out that if she continues to be disrespectful and rude and badly behaved that she will lose priveleges - so no TV, no outings, no sweets, no play dates, removal of games consol and so on.

She''s too old for a star chart now and she knows what is acceptable and what isn''t.

Reply to Purple

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