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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/01/20

Premature Ejaculation affecting Marriage

Hi, I got married a couple of months ago. My husband is a fantastic guy and I love him very much. I could not have asked for a better husband...one problem. Sex isn''t really all that great. The intamacy is there and not a problem, the problem lies with sex only lasting 5 seconds. He alwas feels shy and humiliated after it happens and I feel bad and guilty for trying to have sex. I actually now shy away from sex and we just fiddle around. Ons a two week honeymoon we had sex once. I once suggested we go and see someone....he bluntly refused. We''ve tried mastrurbating in the afternoon and sex the same night....sadly no joy with his self control.He seems to know that there is a problem but doens''t want to do anything to fix it and doesn''t ta lk about it either and if I bring it up he becomes all defensive saying he is trying his best. I don''t want to hurt him, but sex is important in a relationship and not having an orgasm ever through sex is bugging me. I also have needs and desires. I am scared I break his self-confidence but yet at the same time I am suffering. Will my marriage last?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Men have to learn to control ejaculation if they are to attempt to 'pleasure' their partner through penetrative intercourse, as the male response is normally much quicker (average 2mins) than is the case for females (ave 15mins). The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where he learns to identify his physical signs (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in his testicles, heart rate) that he needs to ease off before ejaculation is inevitable (i.e. when the 'twitching' begins, it's probably too late). One way to help with this would be to try scoring his arousal on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. He must aim to practice his slowing techniques when he reaches about 6/10. Slowing techniques could be slowing or changing the rhythm of the friction, trying to take some deep and slow breaths, and try tensing his pelvic floor muscles as if he's trying to stop the flow of urine. Once his arousal has reduced somewhat (e.g. to about 4/10), he can resume stimulation and repeat this process several times before allowing ejaculation to take place.

As his wife you could be a great help by coaching him through this, asking where he is on the scale, encourage him to use the strategies suggested. Let him masturbate / stimulate himself to begin with, but after he has some success, perhaps you could stimulate him and you must slow down as and when he says to do so. When he's gained confidence like this, you could move onto trying this intravaginally. This is likely to be much more difficult for him because of the sensations (warmth, moist) of the vagina so he should maybe slow his arousal down earlier than 6/10 to begin with. The best position for him to learn this would be with you on top so that he can focus all of his attention on his sensations and you move as he directs.

It's really important that these are 'exercises' though, and not 'sexual acts' as normal, otherwise he will feel more pressure to perform and you will be frustrated - neither of these will help his learning.

I am sure that if you appraoch this issue in a loving sensitive way, you will over come it and I am sure your marriage will last.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Waddah** | 2011/01/26

sounds like he could secretly be gay? so, so, so many men live a lie for the sake of being " socially acceptable" . He MUST know what his deep, deep agenda is. No-one is THAT naive ... especially at that age ... not to know what''s cutting in your own body.

Reply to Waddah**
Posted by: Fancy | 2011/01/26

Hubby is 42 and I''m 35, we are healthy and exercise regularly. We haven''t had sex for 18mths, the last time it lasted for about 2-3 mins. Been to doctors including therapists no help. Very frustrating. He doesn''t want to talk about it, I love him, he is all one need in a husband save for for lack of sex. He''s very sensitive and emotional about it. Please help resurrect our love life.

Reply to Fancy
Posted by: Survivor | 2011/01/24

oh goodness me! how long have you guys been together for this to be a ''problem'' only now?

Reply to Survivor
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/01/22

Men have to learn to control ejaculation if they are to attempt to 'pleasure' their partner through penetrative intercourse, as the male response is normally much quicker (average 2mins) than is the case for females (ave 15mins). The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where he learns to identify his physical signs (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in his testicles, heart rate) that he needs to ease off before ejaculation is inevitable (i.e. when the 'twitching' begins, it's probably too late). One way to help with this would be to try scoring his arousal on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. He must aim to practice his slowing techniques when he reaches about 6/10. Slowing techniques could be slowing or changing the rhythm of the friction, trying to take some deep and slow breaths, and try tensing his pelvic floor muscles as if he's trying to stop the flow of urine. Once his arousal has reduced somewhat (e.g. to about 4/10), he can resume stimulation and repeat this process several times before allowing ejaculation to take place.

As his wife you could be a great help by coaching him through this, asking where he is on the scale, encourage him to use the strategies suggested. Let him masturbate / stimulate himself to begin with, but after he has some success, perhaps you could stimulate him and you must slow down as and when he says to do so. When he's gained confidence like this, you could move onto trying this intravaginally. This is likely to be much more difficult for him because of the sensations (warmth, moist) of the vagina so he should maybe slow his arousal down earlier than 6/10 to begin with. The best position for him to learn this would be with you on top so that he can focus all of his attention on his sensations and you move as he directs.

It's really important that these are 'exercises' though, and not 'sexual acts' as normal, otherwise he will feel more pressure to perform and you will be frustrated - neither of these will help his learning.

I am sure that if you appraoch this issue in a loving sensitive way, you will over come it and I am sure your marriage will last.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: Bob | 2011/01/21

Tell him to go to a sex shop and buy a product called Stud100 I had the same problem and this spray worked for me. It takes just 3 sprays on the head of the Penis, wait a little while and the head of the penis goes numb. Trust me this stuff works wonders for your sex life

Reply to Bob
Posted by: Anon | 2011/01/21

Confused, is your husband circumcised? I am going to guess not. If he was, he would not have this issue at all. His glans is over sensitive. Have him try to keep his foreskin pulled back as much as he can everyday. This will expose the glans to more air which will help a lot. Rubbing against his undies will also be a bit sensitive to begin with, but as he gets used to it, you will see an improvement in the sex department. The one time solution is to get circumcised. He will not only end up with a lot more control, but will last as long as he wants, which in turn will let you enjoy it more. I am talking of personal experience. My wife was the one who convinced me to get circumcised and I can only say, that our sex life has never been better since getting it done. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: HUH | 2011/01/20

If he has blood pressure problems that might also be a cause.

Reply to HUH
Posted by: Charles | 2011/01/20

Confused, does your husband lead a stressfull life?

Reply to Charles
Posted by: Confused | 2011/01/20

My husband is 34 and I''m 29.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: XXX | 2011/01/20

He clearly suffers from ED which will require help from a dr.If he won''t listen then you might need to be a bit harsh and tell him that you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Charles | 2011/01/20

How old are you guys and for how long are you married?

Reply to Charles
Posted by: Joe | 2011/01/20

Ask him to masterbate more often. Maybe even an hour or two before sex. BUT then you gotta keep him hard. Start with your mouth, then your hands, then the back, then the front and let him finish on your face. Works everytime, trust me

Reply to Joe

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