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Question
Posted by: " Father to be"  | 2012/08/28

Pregnancy and sex?

Short background:
My wife has recently found out she is pregnant. We have been trying for a couple of months now and everytime after her period we have sex quite regularly (every second to third day) and during ovulation we have more sex (once a day to every second day). After her ovulation the sex stops completely and we have no sex until after her period her again. Now this was due to her fear of loosing the egg and possible complications with implantation should there be a fertilized egg. This is understandable since she has a friend with whom it happened...

We are now 4 weeks past her last ovulation... i.e... 6 weeks pregnant. In these last 4 week we have had sex maybe two or three times... and in the last week none. Now she does have some of the nausea symptoms, but nothing hectic. My question is has anybody else encountered this " sexlessness"  after getting pregnant?

She has all the vitamins and other stuff. So that is not the problem. We have talked extensively about the physical part of our relationship prior to pregnancy and that should the sexula act itself be a problem that we can still have other means of being intimate... and she agreed to all of this beforehand... and talking now does not seem to help.. so what now? I''ve even contemplated masturbating in the bed next to her...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hi father to be.

The time before and up to a year after pregnancy can bring changes in your normal and familiar pattern of sexual relations. You were wise to speak about it, and to prepare yourself for these possible changes.

Reduced sexual frequency is quite normal in the first trimester of pregnancy. Hormonal changes, fatigue, changes in body shape, nausea, adapting to the idea of being parents, the thought of the responsibility that comes with having a family are just some of the reasons for this. Ask your wife in an open and non-judgemental way why she thinks her desire for sex is diminished - perhaps there is some problem not yet identified that can be dealt with.

The good news is that in the second trimester sexual activity will usually increase again, often up to normal levels (but not definitely). Thereafter, in the third trimester, as the baby grows in the uterus, sexual activity becomes less frequent again. There is fear that intercourse will bring on premature contractions, introduce infection, damage the baby, or just because its damn uncomfortable and painful for the woman – remember she may be dealing with backache, heartburn and fatigue, not the best preparation for sex.

You are absolutely right to be thinking of intimacy, and non-penetrative sexual touch as the way to maintain contact and keep your sexual flame alight.

Nevertheless, even with the best intention, your wife may not be in a libidinous mood. It will be a time to adapt and reset your expectations, and above all to keep on talking, expressing your love and nurturing intimacy with your wife.

Good luck.
Anthony – SASHA. For further information please consult SASHA’S website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: mia | 2012/09/12

With both my pregnancies, I didn''t want to have sex for the whole 9 months, I didn''t even want my partner to touch me, the thought of him actually climbing on top of me made my skin crawl, he forced himself on me once, but later he understood that I was not interested.

Reply to mia
Posted by: sexologist | 2012/08/29

Hi father to be.

The time before and up to a year after pregnancy can bring changes in your normal and familiar pattern of sexual relations. You were wise to speak about it, and to prepare yourself for these possible changes.

Reduced sexual frequency is quite normal in the first trimester of pregnancy. Hormonal changes, fatigue, changes in body shape, nausea, adapting to the idea of being parents, the thought of the responsibility that comes with having a family are just some of the reasons for this. Ask your wife in an open and non-judgemental way why she thinks her desire for sex is diminished - perhaps there is some problem not yet identified that can be dealt with.

The good news is that in the second trimester sexual activity will usually increase again, often up to normal levels (but not definitely). Thereafter, in the third trimester, as the baby grows in the uterus, sexual activity becomes less frequent again. There is fear that intercourse will bring on premature contractions, introduce infection, damage the baby, or just because its damn uncomfortable and painful for the woman – remember she may be dealing with backache, heartburn and fatigue, not the best preparation for sex.

You are absolutely right to be thinking of intimacy, and non-penetrative sexual touch as the way to maintain contact and keep your sexual flame alight.

Nevertheless, even with the best intention, your wife may not be in a libidinous mood. It will be a time to adapt and reset your expectations, and above all to keep on talking, expressing your love and nurturing intimacy with your wife.

Good luck.
Anthony – SASHA. For further information please consult SASHA’S website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: Nini | 2012/08/28


You have perfectly normal concerns, and I think most fathers feel the same. As a mother of 1 and another baby on the way, I can safely say that the first trimester is the WORST time on earth for sex.

For starters this is her first pregnancy so she has a lot of emotional and mental changes that she needs to make in her head. She will have natural worries about the safety of the baby at such an early stage. She will have to get over the morning sickness and the tiredness that comes with the first trimester as well. No person can explain this until you''ve been there!! It''s no fun...

But with that said, in the second trimester things will change and start to improve. Once she is emotionally and mentally used to the baby inside of her then she will learn to relax and be more open to the idea. Her libido will also have changed by this stage and most women have an increased sex drive after 12 weeks!

Best advice I can give is to just give the sex topic a rest for the next few weeks. Pamper her with lots of love and support (because trust me that this will make all the difference when you do bring up the sex topic again). Remind her how special she is and how much you love her. Women are emotional rollercoasters during pregnancy, so just hearing those kinds of things does WONDERS for the body and libido. Trust me.......

Just be patient, she will come around. She is still in the most sensitive part of her pregnancy so just give her time.

If you want to masturbate then go ahead and do so in private.

Good luck.

Reply to Nini
Posted by: A | 2012/08/28

With my first pregnancy I was to tired to have sex the first 3 months  got better after that and after hubby started telling me how much he loved my belly it got better and better...

With 2nd pregnancy I started off with so much energy and loved sex. I am now 5 months and dead tired.... only happend when child is in bed early enough so I dont pass out...

It differs from women to women and even differnt pregnancies in the same women.

I would suddest you assure your wife you love her and her body - because pregnancy sometimes comes with a lot of issues around weight and this makes a women feel un-sexy.... If it does not help, wait a while longer and then tell her how you miss being intimate without accusing her.
Honesty is still the best way.

Reply to A
Posted by: " Father to be | 2012/08/28

I am asking this for some feedback from women who have been through this and not just " force my way"  so to speak. I am trying to understand and get sort of a " guage"  as to what I can expect, what is ''" normal"  and what is not.

Wish I could ask friends, but we aren''t close enough to the new friends where we live so that I can ask them there experiences. At least here I can ask openly and try and understand what is going on...

Reply to &quot Father to be
Posted by: Sipho | 2012/08/28

Father to be

You know that every pregnancy is different right? But there are some similarities as well. I felt the exact same way as your wife when I was pregnant. Infact I could have hated the father to be, because even touching me would make me nauseous. Unfortunately, i felt this way throughout the pregnacy. Well, the father to be used to force matters, he did this 2 times and I promise you I can''t get that image out of my mind and I left him. Up to this day, I just can''t be with him. So please, be patient with your wife, she is carrying your baby after all. Please practise safe sex whilst she is pregnant, provided she wants to.

It''s still too early for her to be stressed by this. I know, you feel like it''s not fair to you but please, PATIENCE! It''s worth it.

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: Mom | 2012/08/28

U r selfish father to be,normally most women have low libido for first 12 weeks of pregnancy due to morning sickness,nausea,etc. But its up again in the 2nd trimester...so just be patient ..the poor woman is carrying ur child and all u complain about is getting laid...shame on u

Reply to Mom

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