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Question
Posted by: dw | 2011/08/17

predicament

Hi, I have been going out with my bf now for 6 weeks, we were friends for 3 years. I desperately want a baby and he has 2 babies under a year old from a previous relationship that he is still tryng to sort out legally. We get on great when we are alone together but the ex and him are constantly fighting, she doesnt let him see the kids, there is no agreements in place so she is taking him for a financial ride and he is letting her get away with it. I dont know if I can handle all of this and also I have never had a bf with kids before and speaking to my friends that are dating single dads, it is a long hard road!!
The problem now is that I bumped into an ex of mine from a year ago and we had coffee and we both want the same things especially kids. He is single, no kids, no baggage, no exes in the picture.... it just seems so easy. We broke up because of a misunderstanding! We get on great too, so now I am in a bit of a predicament. I am looking to the future as I desperately want a child soon as I turn 40 in 3 months time. If I wait for my current bf to be ready that might be a while and also I dont know if he could afford 3 kids!!! Any advice? Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Have you thought through why you so "desperately" want to have a baby ? Even to the point of thinking about this in connection with a guy you've only been going out with for 6 weeks, even if you knew him as a friend for longer ? It sounds definite that he is far from ready, not only for children, but for a deep or lasting relationship, as he is apparently still very involved with his previous relationship which is obviously still not emotionally, legally or procedurally over.
He should get good legal advice, and may need to take that matter to court, as his ex is probably not entitled to refuse him access to his children, whether or not he pays maintenance for them, which is also a matter probably best settled by the court.
As its only 6 werks old as a formal relationship ( apparently ) is there any problem with you letting that relationship slide back into a more ordinary friendship, and considering the friendship with the other guy ? With any guy, be aware that desperation is usually a real turn-off

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2011/08/17

Car is absolutely right - you are not even mature enough for a relationship let alone motherhood. Get into therapy - l wish you all the best.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/17

It is hard enough raising children when you know who you are and what you want but you seem to have a lot of growing to do. I say this with the best intentions. Children dont deserve to be born into a family so uncertain, things are uncertain enough as it is. Children are a huge responsibility and in need of responsible parenting. Get yourself sorted out with some counseling first before getting involved in another relationship - remember a child will also require relationship know-how. You may be able to walk away from a bf or a husband but not from a child. Get yourself sorted first before you turn 40 never mind having a child before turinng 40.
All the best!

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Romany | 2011/08/17

Obvioulsy you should not stay in this complicated relationship with your current boyfriend.
Move on.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/17

Have you thought through why you so "desperately" want to have a baby ? Even to the point of thinking about this in connection with a guy you've only been going out with for 6 weeks, even if you knew him as a friend for longer ? It sounds definite that he is far from ready, not only for children, but for a deep or lasting relationship, as he is apparently still very involved with his previous relationship which is obviously still not emotionally, legally or procedurally over.
He should get good legal advice, and may need to take that matter to court, as his ex is probably not entitled to refuse him access to his children, whether or not he pays maintenance for them, which is also a matter probably best settled by the court.
As its only 6 werks old as a formal relationship ( apparently ) is there any problem with you letting that relationship slide back into a more ordinary friendship, and considering the friendship with the other guy ? With any guy, be aware that desperation is usually a real turn-off

Reply to cybershrink

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