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Question
Posted by: biter | 2011/02/21

power of the tongue

HI. I have a huge problem with my temper, and I use words in a very clever way to hurt people when I get angry. I am generally not a mean or nasty person, but of late i have been so ready to say something nasty. I keep blaming it on the bad/abusive relationship that I have just recently, well not recently but it''s been about a year now that we haven''t been together but I think I''m still healing. anyway, what I really need to know is where do I start, what conscious effort can I make to stop myself from swearing and saying mean things, so that when it does get to the point of confrontations I can remain calm. I know exactly what my actions are doing to people and like I said I am generally a very kind person, so being this way is really starting to bother me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So, unable to say something hurtful to the abusive person who hurt you, you hurt others who have not hurt you ? Doesn't sound like a good idea, does it ? Try siting down and writing a vicious letter to whoever it was who hurt you, expressing all of your anger as unpleasantly as you can. Then, don't post it, but burn it, and let your anger go up in flames at that time.
Then when interacting with others, reminding yourself that they have NOT hurt you, delay responding to them until you have checked that you are calm and if a nasty comment comes to mind, throw it away and say something pleasant, or at least bland. A year is long enough to harbour this degree of anger against your ex, however unpleasant they were - it's like you are insisting on carrying her around on your shoulders. If you can't beat this on your own, try seeing a good local counsellor for some sessions to help you achieve this, and to move on.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Anne | 2011/02/21

It''s a choice. You choose how you behave. You choose how you think and you choose what you do. You are conscious of it, so identify what triggers you. When you feel the triggers, step away from it and give yourself time to calm down and think rationally before you speak.

Reply to Anne
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/21

So, unable to say something hurtful to the abusive person who hurt you, you hurt others who have not hurt you ? Doesn't sound like a good idea, does it ? Try siting down and writing a vicious letter to whoever it was who hurt you, expressing all of your anger as unpleasantly as you can. Then, don't post it, but burn it, and let your anger go up in flames at that time.
Then when interacting with others, reminding yourself that they have NOT hurt you, delay responding to them until you have checked that you are calm and if a nasty comment comes to mind, throw it away and say something pleasant, or at least bland. A year is long enough to harbour this degree of anger against your ex, however unpleasant they were - it's like you are insisting on carrying her around on your shoulders. If you can't beat this on your own, try seeing a good local counsellor for some sessions to help you achieve this, and to move on.

Reply to cybershrink

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