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Question
Posted by: Non | 2012/04/02

Post 519 - Hurt

I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend told me that it is becoming too difficult for him to live with the guilt of having left his child and being happy with me. I never asked him to leave his child. He was like the father to the mother of his child, aside from being a father to his son. A lot of weird things happened in the long relationship that they had. He takes it from his growing up years how he felt when his father left him and says he does not want that for his child. His parents got back together and he always says that his mother sacrificed her happiness for him to have a father to grow up with. I have done the same many years ago and I live to regret not having left my ex sooner, because I realised that I was not hurting myself only but the kids as well as they were growing up in a home with parents being cold to each other. I really do care about this guy a lot, but somehow he needs me to tell him whether it is right or wrong for him to go back " for the sake of his child" . It breaks me to see him hurt like this for his child. His ex girlfriend moved away so he only gets to see his child for limited times. She has also indicated that she wants him to come back to her. Maybe they can build on what they have lost and they have both learnt that they should work on a relationship? I sense that they have both taken each other for granted and only when he found another life, she realised what she lost?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder whether his main source of guilt is having left his child, or is it about feeling happy when he may not feel he deserves to feel happy ? He must be careful ( and some sessions with a counsellor might help him to sort this out ) that his guilt, whether appropriate or inappropriate, does lead him to go back in the hope of making his guilt feel better, in the name of doing it for the sake o the child, but not necessarily in the best interests of the child.
One wonders whether the ex-wife may be skilled at fanning these feelings of guilt, and wants him back for himself, rather than truly for the child's benefit. She may be limiting his access to the child ( which could be an action of hers that is against the true interests of the child ) so as to pressure the father into needing to come back to her, to have proper access. A court might be able to require her to provide proper access, as the central issue must be the genuine best interests of the child rather than the personal individual preferences of the parents.
Maybe there is indeed much they could gain by getting back together and truly working on the relationship ; maybe not. It ought to be explored rather than just assumed.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/02

I wonder whether his main source of guilt is having left his child, or is it about feeling happy when he may not feel he deserves to feel happy ? He must be careful ( and some sessions with a counsellor might help him to sort this out ) that his guilt, whether appropriate or inappropriate, does lead him to go back in the hope of making his guilt feel better, in the name of doing it for the sake o the child, but not necessarily in the best interests of the child.
One wonders whether the ex-wife may be skilled at fanning these feelings of guilt, and wants him back for himself, rather than truly for the child's benefit. She may be limiting his access to the child ( which could be an action of hers that is against the true interests of the child ) so as to pressure the father into needing to come back to her, to have proper access. A court might be able to require her to provide proper access, as the central issue must be the genuine best interests of the child rather than the personal individual preferences of the parents.
Maybe there is indeed much they could gain by getting back together and truly working on the relationship ; maybe not. It ought to be explored rather than just assumed.

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