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Question
Posted by: Gina | 2010/07/23

Pornography Problem

Hi Prof Please could you help me with where to from here. Have son nearly 13, big for his age. Approx 2 years ago we realized he was accessing porn sites on the computer, we have since taken steps to prevent this (net nanny etc) and discussed the issue with him several times - he is allowed limited comp time but continues to attempt to access porn sites (net nanny blocks attempts but sends email to notify us of attempt). We continue to discuss and also consequence is no media time for a week every time net nanny sends mail. Previously he also got hold of mine &  dad''s cellphones to access sites. Last night he spend some time with my 4 year old daughter in his room, I was pleasantly surprised to find them looking at a book together. I was cooking, my daughter came into the kitchen and as I asked her did you enjoy looking at the book with your brother, she replied much to my shock and horror, that he had rubbed her fanny and sucked it and she liked it a lot. Trying to stay very calm, I approached my son, who denies doing this. My husband (who is away from home for about 6 months of the year due to work) immediately had a serious talk with him - we have not meted out any punishment of any sort andtried to stay very calm. I do not believe that my son has been abused at any point - could I be wrong? I have no idea what to do, I feel extreme abhorrence towards my son and at the same time I want to help him, I love my child, and obviously serious concern for my daughter. Both my husband and I are actually unable to really talk about this even. Does my son see his sister as a sex object? Does he have a conscience? Where are the moral and values I have tried to instill all these years? Do I need to take him for councelling? Please please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Surely you do indeed need to take him for counselling. This may be a really remediable thing, but can't be ignored. All kids are more curious about sex and other adult matters than most of us suspect, but he sounds unusually driven and bothered about it, for his age, with less concern about right and wrong or even abou being found out. Some kids might, in some circumstances, lie about such events, or invent complaints, but it isn't believable that a girl of 4 would have enough knowledge to invemnt such a story, let alone be motivated to report it falsely.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Suzy | 2010/07/23

My ex of 47 told me he first saw his parents doing it when he was 3 years and on the bed, them thinking he had no clue. He progressed to videos very quickly. Pornography destroyed his first marriage. His wife a stunning looking woman tried to turn herself into a porn star. You have to see the pics, sad and not all naked or tarty either. I realised he had an addicition, he was highly aggressive about it. Finally about a year ago I told him if he enjoys humping the pc and cyber chicks more than me he can get lost, which he did. I seriously think your son has a major problem beyond curiosity and maybe it was sparked by something you don''t know about it. I think you need to teach your daughter (at 4) how unacceptable it is for anyone to touch her privates, I mean really drill her. I think both of them should go to the psychologist for assessment. I feel really sad for you and your husband and wish you all the best.

Reply to Suzy
Posted by: XXX | 2010/07/23

You clearly need to take him to a psychologist as soon as possible.He must be made to realize that he cannot have oral sex with a 4 year old,besides his obvious porn addiction.
He does not appear to know right from wrong with regards to sex.He better learn fast with your help.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/23

Surely you do indeed need to take him for counselling. This may be a really remediable thing, but can't be ignored. All kids are more curious about sex and other adult matters than most of us suspect, but he sounds unusually driven and bothered about it, for his age, with less concern about right and wrong or even abou being found out. Some kids might, in some circumstances, lie about such events, or invent complaints, but it isn't believable that a girl of 4 would have enough knowledge to invemnt such a story, let alone be motivated to report it falsely.

Reply to cybershrink

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