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Posted by: Stephanie | 2009/06/02

PORN!!!! ARGHHHHH!!

Last night I found my husband in the study looking at really hard-core porn on the internet. When I walked in, he jumped up and stood in front of the screen to try and hide what he was doing I was horrified when I saw what he was looking at! It was the most disgusting pictures I have ever seen! He said that he was in an educational site when this popped-up and when he tried to close it, he could not! He was really angry with me and stormed into the bedroom and said that he did not go looking for it (yeah right it probably came looking for him!!!) I have also seen pictures of naked women on his cellphone - he receives " service messages"  as he calls them and when the message is opened, it is pictures of naked women! How strange that things like this never happen to me and I often surf the web for hours on end! Could some fundi out there please explain to me how this happens as I find it rather strange and disturbing that disgusting sites open up whilst in an educational site??!! I am really angry with him and I feel so dirty knowing that he looks at things like that and then climbs into bed with me! He often stays up very late at night and his cellphone is always at his side! The worst thing for me is that he claims to be a christian and goes to church on a Sunday and says that people who look at porn are sick, yet I have caught him in the act! He was not very selective either - the women were of all races in the most disgusting poses! When I checked the history this morning, all the websites visited had been deleted and he tells me he cannot understand how that could' ve happened. His father is notorius for handing out porno movies to his sons to watch! How sick is this? I feel that this is the end of the road for me - I cannot stand being near him and I refuse to allow him to touch me. It' s not as though he was looking at naked breasts - these pictures were very distasteful and maybe I am a bit naive, but I did not realise that there was actually such explicit material available on the internet and my so-called big christian husband enjoys looking at it! He had the cheek to tell me this morning that I have no reason to be angry with him! CS please explain how I am supposed to feel? Must I accept this as another " man thing"  and just ignore it? This goes against every value and principal I have and I must not be angry with him? I feel uncomfortable watching movies on DSTV with too many sex scenes etc. How does he expect me not to be angry with him?

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Our expert says:
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Marriage counselling, surely called for ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/05

Poor Stephanie. I' m so definitely glad I' m not married to you... This just makes me love my wife even more. We not open minded, but we do enjoy erotic movies together. This puts some spice into a marriage. Its only a fantasy, and yes, we both admit, the naked body (any colour) is beautiful in its own unique way. Especially a females body with all those curves, but that doesnt make my wife BI now does it. Leave your marriage and rather sign up to be a nun maybe. May he enjoy the fruits of this earth elsewhere

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: I DO | 2009/06/05

What a joke you are... You say women of all races, he is a Christian etc. So what does colour and religion have to do with it... Just because a man is a Christian doesnt make him supposely pure. PS: He is a man. Its a fantasy maybe to look at what he is looking at. Also ALL men are attracted to visual things. You better get your act together in the bedroom before he leaves for someone more spontaneous in the bedroom. You definitely not doing it for him

Reply to I DO
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/04

Stephani,you have a problem gal. A CHRISTIAN does not see GORILLAS, we se HUMAN BEINGS. It helps to be OPEN minded sweetheart. Why dont you PRAY about this and ask for forgiveness for being racist as well.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/03

I really dont see why calling her a racist is helping. Clearly what is happening is upsetting her - why cant that be focused on? Also, blaming her for " not giving him enough"  that he has to go to porn sites is a load of rubbish - why dont the men try to be more accommodating toward women? Why attack the woman when she has found out what is going on &  decides that it is not what she wants to have happen in her life? Why is she a bad person for saying that? My ex did the same thing - was on those sites, never let his phone out of his sight - I decided that that is not what I wanted or needed - especially when I have two young daughters to consider. I decided that if that is what he wanted &  chose then he was welcome to it &  trust me, the not enough sex from the woman excuse has passed its sell-by date, I was the one that wanted more - not him! Just realise that women are entitled to be treated with respect &  dignity - porn does not portray men OR woman with either so why watch it?? Anonymous is right - how do you know he is thinking of you, desiring you when you guys are making love? How do you know he is not thinking of those other women? How is that supposed to build trust in a relationship? Porn is good? Give me a break.I do not want my children growing up in a house where there is stuff like this - if you decide I am judgemental or whatever then that' s your opinion. Porn is sick, it destroys relationships - that is my opinion &  I am sticking to it.
Anonymous, I hope you read this &  that you are able to get through this, i can understand your anger and your feelings of being violated. He will have to choose - you or the porn. It is that simple.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: another | 2009/06/02

Perhaps try approaching your husband with a non-judgemental view. Just tell him that you find it disturbing and why. No shouting, judging, making him feel alienated and disgusting will not help your cause.
Treat him like a human being and I' m sure you' ll be surprised.

We all have our preferences and fetishes I suppose in some way or another and you need to try work it out with him before you jump all over him with disgust.

If you don' t see eye to eye, then of course explore maybe being on your own or calling it quits. BUT not before you' ve tried to explore his reasons / motivations for finding this form of fantasy enticing.

I wish you both all the best in working this out.

Reply to another
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

Maybe some constructive advice was asked for. Two wrongs don' t make a right.
Stop attacking the woman and approach her in a civil way. NASTY

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Yvette | 2009/06/02

Gosh some of you people are really unhelpful.
Stephanie, a man is a man, no matter how Christian like he claims to be. And no matter how ugly we think the women are, men think they' re hot because they' re naked. My boyfriend likes porn. I don' t and I make sure he doesn' t bring it near me. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel about it. If he respects you, he will try to keep it more private and under control. It would be unrealistic to expect him to stop completely but maybe wean him off.

Reply to Yvette
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

LOL ah ha so he was looking at black women. By the way you dont say people look like gorilla' s cos it does not fit to your holier than thou attitude!

By the way once you go black you neva go back - we r bootylicious and that is why he' s staring at the bootys and ja they might be ugly but he' s not interested in their faces now is he?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

so you are not only racist , you class women as well???? what kind of religion do you then follow? For a religious person , you sure have a lot of issues.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: CC | 2009/06/02

So instead of going down on his head, talk (not fight) to him about it. You might just learn something about him that you never knew.
Guaranteed, if you dont discuss this with him it will result in something you dont want.

Reply to CC
Posted by: Stephanie | 2009/06/02

Where I live has nothing to do with anything!? If the women he was perving over were at least good-looking it would not have infuriated me so much - but these women looked like frigging gorillas - big fat and darn ugly! Maybe he has a " fat fetish"  for all I know ...

Reply to Stephanie
Posted by: CC | 2009/06/02

Wake up girl. Its normal for men to watch porn. If he didnt, I would be very worried if I were you. It work in phases.
1. Man doesnt get enough from wife, he looks at porn.
2. Man doesnt get a thrill out of porn anymore, he looks for the real thing somewhere else.
Help your marriage before its too late.
From a man that knows.

Reply to CC
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

So which race you' ll at list prefer him to watch or caught watching ur own, where exactly part of SA do you live Cape Town?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Stephanie | 2009/06/02

There is nothing wrong with our sex life so there is no need for him to look at other women' s vaginas on the internet! These pictures were absolutely disgusting and nothing anyone says or how many insults are thrown my way, will change my opinion about things like that! Well if that' s what turns him on, maybe he should find a wife who will accept such behaviour, ' cos I will most certainly not! He has this holier-than-thou attitude towards most people we know, yet he does things like that! No thanks, then I would rather be alone than live with a frigging pervert!

Reply to Stephanie
Posted by: M | 2009/06/02

Pornography is very addictive &  widely available. If he is a Christian then he needs to be held accountable for his recovery to someone that wont judge him. It is not however your fault. And yes, there is a huge problem with porn &  men, he is not the only one, &  certainly not the only " Christian"  caught in this.

Reply to M
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

with a self righteous wife like you , who can blame the poor man? it is clear from the sounds of it that the closest he will get to exploring sexually is thru watching porn.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

no offense but with such a closed mind im not suprised he wants to see more action. i really dont mean to be nasty, but just try and be a bit more open minded, maybe agree that porn is ok in your household as long as you look together. i am a female, i started watching porn with my man, but then now and then i would catch him looking at it on his own and i would completely flip out and scream at him etc... it ended up just tearing our relationship apart. if you react the way u do he will continue to lie to you, so maybe just sit down and speak to him nicely, just because you have views doesnt mean he has the same. and this clearly proves he doesnt.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

What is up with : " He was not very selective either - the women were of all races " 

You do know we r all da same down south?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/02

You really so naive most man watch porn so you gonna leave ur hubby for that grow up, leave him u will get someone who will cheat on you with a real thing.

Reply to Anonymous

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