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Question
Posted by: Terry | 2010-04-16

Porn

Dear doc

Was in a 6 year relationship with my ex , he was heavy into porn and would even download during the day at work. Whenever I asked him what it is that he so much likes about porn he would get upset and if I would walk into a room where he is downloading he will minimize the screen so that I can’ t see. Anyway this ruined our relationship because he would want to try those weird things they do in the movies on me and it always bothered me. Now I’ m dating someone new and he knows how I feel about porn but he still goes behind my back and downloads on his cell thinking I don’ t know but when I ask him he says no his not into that sh*t. If only he could be honest and tell me why he likes it so much I guess it wouldn’ t bother me but he can’ t, he can’ t even admit to downloading porn. Is there something these women have that I don’ t have? And why do you think its bothering me so much?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand your question to him, but have never heard of anyone who had a good answer to it, and very few who would even try to answer it without feeling embarrassed. Come to think of it, I don't have a good answer if you asked me why I love chocolate !
Anyhow, there's no good evidence that exposure to porn as such, is harmful. When people become over-absorbed in it this can as in your story, damage their social life, and when it becomes a substitute for real-life sex and other aspects of a human interaction, it is at least limiting and unfortunate.
When he wants to try out with you odd things he's seen ( presumably on the web ) this may be OK, or creepy, depending on what sort of stuff he's been seking out. One can watch, So You Think You Can Dance, for instance, without feeling you actually need to try krumping or even the Tango in your private life.
NOw, do I understand you that you left that guy behind, but your NEW bf is also into porn ? I've never quite understood the attraction of downloading porn or much else, from rugby to music videos, on the tiny screen of a cell-phone.
You seem awfully focussed on demanding that someone explain WHY they like it. Actually, more women enjoy at least some forms of porn, than they usually are prepared to admit. And there are alternatives - I find women tend to enjoy soapies and romance novels which leave men cold, and are equally unable to explain why they like the stuff. And some folks keep buying recipe books, even when they don't actually cook - but they enjoy reading the descriptions and watching the pictures.
Only you may know why this is bothering you so much - maybe just because it feels as though these guys are not satisfied with you, and prefer to leer at someone else, rather than you ? One thing blokes tend to like about porn is that they get to see whatever interests them, but the woman won't and can't ask anything of them, or embarrass them in any way. And the porn queens won't ever ask " why do you enjoy this stuff so much !"

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Our users say:
Posted by: Terry | 2010-04-16

Reply to Terry
Posted by: Nats | 2010-04-16

Hi

Don''t think for a minute there is anything wrong with you! Guys are so completely different to us, they are turned on visually, whereas we prefer the emotional side. This said, most guys don''t understand why we get so upset by them watching/looking at porn, and they don''t understand that for some women it takes a toll on our self image and self confidence. I also dated a guy for about eight years that had the same problem, and would not stop even after a psychologist told him to go for treatment. My point is, that sometimes your partner just doesn''t get it. Your current partner obviously does understand that porn upsets you, and thats why he tries to hide it from you, but doesn''t understand how much. The longer you are together, the more obvious this will become to him. I am dating a new guy, and he did the exact same in the beginning, but has come to realise how I really feel about it, and doesn''t do it at all. Sure, if his friends send him something, he''ll have a look, but he doesn''t go out and look for it himself, which is good enough for me. If you think that your current partner will get to this point, then stick it out, but talk to him and give him a chance to prove himself, and tell him everything. If he loves you, and he doesn''t need it (like so many claim) then he won''t have a problem with giving it up! My current boyfriend would have a big problem with me watching porn where all the guys are hung like they swing engines for a living, and that''s why he understands......

Remember that porn is a fantasy world, and that he is NOT comparing you to those women. You don''t expect your boyfriend to be ripped and hung like donkey kong, so don''t for a minute thing he expects that either.... its escapism... but if you aren''t comfortable with it, explain that under no uncertain conditions....

Hope I helped ......

Reply to Nats
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-04-16

I understand your question to him, but have never heard of anyone who had a good answer to it, and very few who would even try to answer it without feeling embarrassed. Come to think of it, I don't have a good answer if you asked me why I love chocolate !
Anyhow, there's no good evidence that exposure to porn as such, is harmful. When people become over-absorbed in it this can as in your story, damage their social life, and when it becomes a substitute for real-life sex and other aspects of a human interaction, it is at least limiting and unfortunate.
When he wants to try out with you odd things he's seen ( presumably on the web ) this may be OK, or creepy, depending on what sort of stuff he's been seking out. One can watch, So You Think You Can Dance, for instance, without feeling you actually need to try krumping or even the Tango in your private life.
NOw, do I understand you that you left that guy behind, but your NEW bf is also into porn ? I've never quite understood the attraction of downloading porn or much else, from rugby to music videos, on the tiny screen of a cell-phone.
You seem awfully focussed on demanding that someone explain WHY they like it. Actually, more women enjoy at least some forms of porn, than they usually are prepared to admit. And there are alternatives - I find women tend to enjoy soapies and romance novels which leave men cold, and are equally unable to explain why they like the stuff. And some folks keep buying recipe books, even when they don't actually cook - but they enjoy reading the descriptions and watching the pictures.
Only you may know why this is bothering you so much - maybe just because it feels as though these guys are not satisfied with you, and prefer to leer at someone else, rather than you ? One thing blokes tend to like about porn is that they get to see whatever interests them, but the woman won't and can't ask anything of them, or embarrass them in any way. And the porn queens won't ever ask " why do you enjoy this stuff so much !"

Reply to cybershrink

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