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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2010-06-22

Polygamy beofre marriage

My boyfriend of 5 years who was supposed to have married (we ar both divorcees) me already has just told me that he is having an affair with another woman. He promises that she is not a threat to our rerlationship and requests me to accept her as his lover on the side, saying that in his culture (Zulu) he believes in polygamy. I love him and am not yet prepared to prt ways with him. I will appreciate any advise/opinions from people who are in a similar position. No insults please as it is I already have enough to deal with.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Having affairs isn't the same a culturally and legally accepted polygamy. This sounds very much more like a selfish arangement that pleases him, than any culturally acceptable behaviour - and surely, if this is supposed to be cultural polygamy, he is supposed to MARRY both of you, rather than mary one and chea with another ? And I thought within cultural customs of polygamy, he should not take a second wife without the consent and approval of the first wife ?
Similarly with Kay, from her comments it is not culturally acceptable polygamy to lie to the woman you are marrying, about acual being maried to another woman - that's bigamy and possibly criminal.
I have no respect for people ( it usually seems to be men ) who treat their traditional cultures like a buffet table, to pick out only the bits that give them pleasure, and who choose to ignore the balancing responsibilities that were always a part of the cultural traditions.
These men sound like they're using culture as an excuse. Yes, they have a LEGAL obligation to support any children they may have with anyone, and that has nothing to do with polygamy, either

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: XXX | 2010-06-22

Personally I would not accept this but if one''s culture says it is fine then that is your call.What the laws of the land say is another story !

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Kay | 2010-06-22

Depends on whether you are ok with it or not, I am in polygamous relationship because he lied to me about divorcing his wife, he left her and moved in with me and I got pregnant I told I do not like it but he says he wants to take care of his kids and no man will take care of his kids.

The truth if you don''t like it you will never be able to accept it, I haven''t I am just raising my kids and focusing on my career and for now I am not in fox for another relationship, I need to raise my kids as they are still small then, he does not feature in my future, it is just me and my kids. My love for him died when I discovered that he and his wife kissed and made up. There is no competition between me and the other wife, I am actualy happier with him at her place and I have come up with excuses for him not to sleep at my place he just visits in the evenings or weekends but I make sure he does not sleep over.

So unless you are absolutely certain don''t do it.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-06-22

Having affairs isn't the same a culturally and legally accepted polygamy. This sounds very much more like a selfish arangement that pleases him, than any culturally acceptable behaviour - and surely, if this is supposed to be cultural polygamy, he is supposed to MARRY both of you, rather than mary one and chea with another ? And I thought within cultural customs of polygamy, he should not take a second wife without the consent and approval of the first wife ?
Similarly with Kay, from her comments it is not culturally acceptable polygamy to lie to the woman you are marrying, about acual being maried to another woman - that's bigamy and possibly criminal.
I have no respect for people ( it usually seems to be men ) who treat their traditional cultures like a buffet table, to pick out only the bits that give them pleasure, and who choose to ignore the balancing responsibilities that were always a part of the cultural traditions.
These men sound like they're using culture as an excuse. Yes, they have a LEGAL obligation to support any children they may have with anyone, and that has nothing to do with polygamy, either

Reply to cybershrink

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