Posted by: Declaring defeat | 2009-02-19


Dear CS,

My partner (40) and I have a 1yr old baby boy and an older son (8). 1stly, he' s not contributing financially as he should - that I even go hungry at times just to get through, but I don' t let the kids suffer. When I try to discuss it, he gets his back up and refuses. He works for himself, but doesn' t handle it like a proper business.

2ndly, he leaves his junk (work equipment, screws, ect.) lying around and shouts at me when I want to clear it up, instructing me to leave it alone. When I plead for us to discuss it to come to a conclusion, he refuses, saying we' ll only argue. When I asked him what solution he suggests, he said he had none and that there' s no hope for us, because we just don' t gel!

These are things that can be solved, but how can I do so if he' s not willing to " come to the party" ? I' m starting to see the only solution as getting out.

He' s a good father, but a lousy provider and poor listener. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU SUGGEST? (We cannot afford counselling. I approached my minister and he said I can' t do much if this man won' t budge.)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You know we can' really tell you that, but maybe comments here might help to clarfy your thinking.
Is he actually working at all, or simplyplaying around to help him forget that he's unemployed ? Men can fel especially ashamed of being unable to proide for their family, and this may underlie his fury when you try to raise the issue. But it does sound as though he could do a whole lot more about remedying the situation. He does sound as though he sees the situation as hopeless, which as a fixed belief can help to make his situation, indeed, hopeless ; but of course he's wrong to seek to blame you for the situation he has created.
Marriage counselling may indeed be unavailable at this stage as he is so against it, but the opportunity might turn up later. Meantime, why not see if your minister can provide you with some individual counselling ( or even betterm help you to find a source of some free counselling ) to work on your own issues.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Simple answer | 2009-02-19

Sorry, but the only solution is to put your cards on the table and make your move. I am afraid the terms " good father"  " poor provider"  just don' t go together. I suspect he is more of the latter than the former,so....... there is just no way out for you. You will be very surprised at your inner strength when you finally make the break. He sounds like an all time loser, so why bother wasting your one and only life on him.? Just do it, don' t threaten because then you probably won' t go ahead with it and in future he will know you are not strong enough to go. Show him what you are made of and get going !!

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