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Question
Posted by: ANON | 2008/06/04

PLS HELP

I am in need of help,i have serious relationships problems,i think this starts back when i was at varsity i was seeing this guy,he used to treat me sooo well,i believed he loved me soo much ,he went an extra mile for me,did all he could for me,i was happy but he used to be possessive and a bit violent,but he loved me,i met this other guy who knew my then boyfriend and that guy was just sooo sweet,he made me realise that my boyfriend was not treating me well,etc etc he was sweet and considerate ,and i fell in love with him,and wanted to end things with my original boyfriend,but he was too violent when i mentioned that,things got messy but eventually i got out of the relationship,fell pregnant with the new guy's baby,trouble started ,i found out he had a drug problem,he was never there for me,went to all my gynae checks alone,it was bad,when i complained his family just thought im being unreasonable,i had the baby ,but i was too angry at him that we even drifted apart,at times and even now i still miss the one i dump even though he was possessive and a bit violent ,i had the baby last year Feb,things were not okay between me and the father we fought a lot and i was still bitter about the fact that he was never there for me when i was pregnant,i forgave him we worked things out,but honestly i was never happy there were constant scandals,him cheating etc etc ,all my friends have been warning me about him but i just have this thing that i love him ,even yesterday i told him to take his belongings and live my place but im crying every free time i can get ,i am hoping we work things out even though i know that he is not good and he has not been treating me well,i doubt at times if he has ever loved me, i live with the regret of why did i ever leave my other boyfriend ,we would be married by now,im hurting please tell how do i ever move on....

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Our expert says:
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Love is not violent. And never accept violence as a price to pay for the possibility of love.
It sounds as though you have been a bit desperate to find someone who will be caring towards you, and not careful enough to know enough about them ( like the abusiveness and drugs abuse ) before committing yourself, satisfied by the initial apparent sweetness. Remember if the guy wants something from you, such as sex, he may be prepared to fake loveability, until he gets it.
And use contraception --- never have a baby except in a stable relationship with someone who you know well enough to know that he does not have such faults. And where, as in the first case, the guy is uncaring and bad, do not forgive him where he is unrepentent and likely to repeat the offense. And if he kept on cheating, he did not love you, he merely had you on his list, his timetable. You cannot "work things out" with someone who behaves like that, you will only bring yourself more grief. Don't keep convincing yourself that you "love" someone who nehaves so badly, selfishly and unkindly. See a counsellor, and learn to move on and be more cautious before committing yourself to someone new, while giving up the bad choices you have made in the past

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