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Question
Posted by: LC | 2012/01/18

Please help with gay daughter - URGENT

Hi I need help urgently, last night I found out my daughter 17 is gay, she''s in matric this year, should have started school today and left my home last night to live with her girlfriend which has no job, no home, is living in a room in a yard. I sms''ed my daugther several times to come home but she wouldn''t listen, she promised me that she will complete her school education, but how would I know that this is the truth. Ho do I cope with this, she rejected me, and all I have ever done was to give what she needed, now she don''t have money nothing, how do I cope with this? I am using anti deppresant, which do not help at all, it feels like I''ve lost the will to live, but have 2 other children and a wonderful husband. How do I get back on track again, all I want to do is cry and scream, feels like I can''t breath. Please help!!! The truth is, she is throwing away her life and going into a phase, I don''t think she''s gay

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, please relax. Panicking doesn't help anyone. Kids around that age are often not clear about their sexual identity, and some who are indeed gay do indeed start to feel more convinced about that at around this age. Gay or straight, going off to live with anyone instead of completing matric is plain stupid.
If she is gay, that need not be any sort of disaster ; if shes confused, reacting too hectically won't help at all. Calm down, and don't make this a calamity. The more you try to force your kid to come home immediately, the more likely it is that she'll become more stubborn and then when she starts to have doubts about her decision, it'll make it harder for her to come back.
She is still legally underage. This could be a legal problem for her girlfriend, if she is older than your daughter, but check with a lawyer.
Some of these daft romantic ideas turn out to be so much more miswerable than they expect, that they become more open to changing their plans back to something more sensible, given a bit of time to find what its like to have no money, and no help.
Maybe suggest you meet with her and her friend for coffee somewhere public, and stay calm and talk about what their plans actually are, asking calm but reasonable questions about funding, how she'll pay for her schooling, how she'll get to and from school, how they will support themselves, especially if she doesn't complete her matric and preferably further education / training, too. Don't harp on the sexual aspect of this, but on the practical problems. Maybe she can copme back to live at home but still see her friend ; they may not remain so sure they want to be together in time - most early teenage passions don't last.
See a counsellor for yourself, to help deal with your own feelings and reactions, and to work out how more usefully to respond. And identify a possible counsellor for your daughter, maybe even for her and her friend.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lee | 2012/01/20

you say all you have ever given her is everything she needs....yet you are not giving the one thing that she obviously requires : ACCEPTANCE

poor poor parenting.

kids are not clones, puppets or robots, and who are you to say what she finds sexually attractive??

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Sue | 2012/01/18

LC Take a deep breath...... Now pray!

With that done I think you should look at this from the outside, your view is way too clouded right now you only see dark spaces. At 17 we all think we know everything until something happens then we run to our mothers again.
Try to be calm, give her a few days without speaking to her, then maybe next week you call her. When you do talk to her calmly like she is an adult. Ask her if she has been going to school, if she says no don''t start getting angry. Make her feel like you are not judging her in any way, whether her sexual orientation or decisions to run away.
Ask her to come around for a few hours just to talk, don''t push her by saying she must move back in. She is still a child still she WILL change her mind about everything she has done.
If you don''t calm down I don''t see how this is going to work. No one wants to be talked at rather they want to be talked to.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/01/18

Is there a reason she ran away? Kids that have a happy home, supportive parents, good education, etc don’ t just up and leave in a matter of a few hours. Did you fight about her orientation? Fight about her partner? Not accept who she is and even if you don’ t think she’ s gay, accept that it’ s a phase she’ s going through? It’ s very melodramatic for her to do what she’ s doing if you were truly and honestly supportive of her choices. Did she tell you of her intentions to stop schooling? Or was that also an out of the blue thing? Is she doing well at school generally? Does she have problems with her friends? Bullying? There could be underlying factors because really, a child does not leave a happy environment. I think you need to speak to her school and ask her and her partner to come around and discuss this like reasonable people.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Maria | 2012/01/18

First of all, I don''t think her sexual orientation is relevant here, she might as well have gone to live with a guy. The more important issue is that your underage child has run away from home. You could try and fetch her back and forbid her to ever see this person again, but somehow I doubt that would work. I would try the approach of showing acceptance. Tell her that she is welcome to bring her girlfriend home, you would like to meet and get to know her. Do not reject her based on her being gay.

I suggest you consult with a counsellor, is there one at her school who could also talk to her? And perhaps a lawyer, if you want to go the route of legal action against the girlfriend, whom I assume is older than your daughter.

This is a horrible situation you and she are in - it will need wisdom and strength on your part to handle it. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/18

Firstly, please relax. Panicking doesn't help anyone. Kids around that age are often not clear about their sexual identity, and some who are indeed gay do indeed start to feel more convinced about that at around this age. Gay or straight, going off to live with anyone instead of completing matric is plain stupid.
If she is gay, that need not be any sort of disaster ; if shes confused, reacting too hectically won't help at all. Calm down, and don't make this a calamity. The more you try to force your kid to come home immediately, the more likely it is that she'll become more stubborn and then when she starts to have doubts about her decision, it'll make it harder for her to come back.
She is still legally underage. This could be a legal problem for her girlfriend, if she is older than your daughter, but check with a lawyer.
Some of these daft romantic ideas turn out to be so much more miswerable than they expect, that they become more open to changing their plans back to something more sensible, given a bit of time to find what its like to have no money, and no help.
Maybe suggest you meet with her and her friend for coffee somewhere public, and stay calm and talk about what their plans actually are, asking calm but reasonable questions about funding, how she'll pay for her schooling, how she'll get to and from school, how they will support themselves, especially if she doesn't complete her matric and preferably further education / training, too. Don't harp on the sexual aspect of this, but on the practical problems. Maybe she can copme back to live at home but still see her friend ; they may not remain so sure they want to be together in time - most early teenage passions don't last.
See a counsellor for yourself, to help deal with your own feelings and reactions, and to work out how more usefully to respond. And identify a possible counsellor for your daughter, maybe even for her and her friend.

Reply to cybershrink

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