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Question
Posted by: R | 2011/04/06

Please Help Me

Hi Dr

I am at my wits end into how do I tame my heart and mind now . I am just going to give you a brief summary. In February 2006 I was 27 I met a person
Through a matrimonial site from overseas, (I had bad experiences with local guys) so I opted to go along with this relationship, we communicated via phone and email, and then by May, after professing love and parents communication we decided to get married, he came to SA we got registered and he went back overseas, in September 2006 my family and I went overseas for the traditional marriage as this is more recognised in our culture. We moved back to SA in October 2006, as I had a job I had to return to, he returned to SA with me with no source of income, and the responsibility of caring for his aged parents and divorced sister.
We resided with my parents for 6 month as we could not afford a place, in this time my husband was not employed and his parents were still taken care of by my salary. With my mom’ s contact’ s he managed to get into a so called partnership for work purposes, from May 2007 he was remunerated from the partnership and this was totally sent for his parents wellbeing. We move into a rented place in April 07 .I fell pregnant in October 2006, so my baby was due in June 2007, my husbands sister who holds a degree felt it necessary to leave her job June 2007 to come and help me for the birth of my child. I could not handle her dominating nature and control, I went back to work with my child 10days after having an emergency Caesar. She stayed with us from June 07 to 1 August 07, and what I noticed maybe I was reading to much into this, she would ask me whether I gave my child water during the day, If I didn’ t answer she would ask my husband to ask me if I had given her, water, then on one instance her mom told her don’ t come back home why don’ t you stay with your brother, and she was very upset and crying, this was a week after my childs birth, we had guests and my husband had actually took out the frustration for why his sister was upset on me. Did I deserve this for all that I did for this person and family? Time went on and my husband told me that he didn’ t love me when we got married, my question is if he didn’ t love me, what was the other reason for him to leave the people who he loves most in the world to come and live with me. We did have fights and squabbles as I always felt his family were always before my child and I and if you marry a person and they tell you they never loved you how do u cope with that.

I fell pregnant in November 2008 again and baby was born June 2009, we were both not prepared for another child, but I accepted and wanted this baby, in the mean time my husband’ s work partnership did not work out, and he ventured out in the same business on his own. His business did flourish by June 2009, and by October 09 my husband started taking care of us financially as well as take care of his family overseas.in 2010 we bought property in both our names as we married COP, Vehicles etc, in December 2010 we went overseas to meet my husband’ s parents as they hadn’ t met my younger child. Since financially we were more stable we decided to take him parents to another state for a stay over. The company I work for has business connections in this state, and they organised accommodation etc for us. The sister also followed us there as she is to this day not married, met numerous people but hasn’ t settled down, so she feels that her brother, her parents and herself is what this world revolves around. Infront of my acquaintances in dec 2010 she has her say in what we need to do while on holiday. We went along with that as we didn’ t know any better, only for me fighting with my husband as it was not a place for such young kids. This fight let to a point where there was a confrontation with his family (4) and me, this sister had the gall to say she knows my husband for 32years therefore she will always be closer to him, she shouted at me, that I didn’ t deserve to know the reason for her divorce etc, basically I am married to a family where I must do everything but will never be part of the family, which is fine, my husband will not choose he says he can never leave his sister out of his life. I am willing to support his parents as they don’ t have a source of income, being the son I feel a bit of responsibility that he should show to his aging parents.

All I feel today is I feel used, by these people, I married a person who never loved me, he lied to me that he loved me, the only reason I accepted this person was for love, there was no other expectations, but even yesterday he admitted he never loved me, but in this time he has learnt to care for me, and with the kids and I he will be totally lost in this world, but he can never give up his sister and parents. He says I don’ t dress properly and therefore don’ t appeal to him, this is how frivolous his love his, where he has to look at other peoples dressing sense and compare me. When he is not working I know he is with the kids and I. I was not sexually active before my husband, but at 32, I don’ t find, maybe the so called love that I was promised etc., so my mind is totally off that area of my life. Come to think of it even if he has an affair, I wouldn’ t care, as from my side this person is only the father of my children, How do I bring myself to start trusting a person that I gave my heart and soul too, to make him achieve something in his life, just to be degraded time and again by his worthless sister and family. at the same time, how do i explain to my kids in years to come i left there dad who was physically there with us, as i couldnt get his love.
Is love and trust a state of mind? Do I deserve what I have been through?


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Indeed, very clearly, they DID use you and exploit you, and are still doing so. Consult a lawyer and plan a divorce, and tell the sister-in-law that if she is so darn clever and knows everything about how you should live your life - why doesn't she just go off and live her own life, rather than sponging off you ? There is no love in these people except love for themselves.
You don't deserve what you have gone through, and should take every step to stop it as soon as possible. This is emotional and financial abuse.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2011/04/06

I do agree with the others. But why on earth would you have another child with this person who has told you he doesn''t love you, why would you want to stay with someone like this.

You and your child should have left a long time ago.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Liza | 2011/04/06

I suggest that you try couples counseling if you want to save your marriage. If he doesn''t want to go, it really shows that your marriage is over. Staying with the father of your children just for the sake of the children is one of the worst mistakes a mother can make. Kids are very sensitive to the atmosphere in their home and frequently it can have many negative effects on them. You don''t deserve ill treatment from his family. If they cannot respect you for everything you''ve done for them, why continue helping out? You''re treated like a doormat with deep pockets! Stand up for yourself. You''re only being used and you deserve better.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Lin | 2011/04/06

You are right. They did use you. Now it''s up to you to decide if you are going to continue this way or set some boundaries.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/06

Indeed, very clearly, they DID use you and exploit you, and are still doing so. Consult a lawyer and plan a divorce, and tell the sister-in-law that if she is so darn clever and knows everything about how you should live your life - why doesn't she just go off and live her own life, rather than sponging off you ? There is no love in these people except love for themselves.
You don't deserve what you have gone through, and should take every step to stop it as soon as possible. This is emotional and financial abuse.

Reply to cybershrink

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