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Question
Posted by: CONFUSED | 2009-01-21

PLEASE HELP ME

Dear Dr
I have been married for 4 years its not been easy I have 2 nine month old babies and this is my reason for asking help
My husband has been married before when we dated he could and used to see his child from his ex but she would alwasys tell me stroies about him that him like when he is visitng the child he would sleep there and he wants her back I became very insecure but said nothing we got married and she stopped him from seeing the child 2 years into ou marriage he started seeing the child again on her terms meaning alone at her house many nights i worried and lived in fear and mistrust then all of a sudden it stopped she did not want him near the child again
I had my twins , HE wanted the child with me but when the twins were about 2 months he wanted to leave them for no reason we fought allot and he said he wants out of the marriage because the stress is to much, I told him if he leaves he will not see them beucuase I feel he is childish when i had the twins i have to see to them alone whlile he comes home late from work drunk does not care if we are ok and if i have help coping with both of them
whenever I dont wnat to give in to something he wants then he wants to leave
he does not care about the twins lives its jsut him
what do i do
now all of a sudden he misses his other child and wants to see her again
he was the one that steps in and out of the child life when he wants to

so I have decided that if he wants to leave me then i will not let him see the twins becuase of his history with wanting to be a fahter if and wheh it suits him I dont want that unstableness for my kids they better off not knowing

if i think nicely does he even care about them because how can you want to leve a child at 2 months old
he never cared if i am coping and if they are getting the attention they derserve the love nad support they need
it seems to be my children alone however infront of people he pretends to be the best father ever when that is not the case
please advise me what to do I want a good home for my childten
i am not concerned about my self

he also takes drugs and always wants to go out with the twins to his friend home where they sit and do drugs i end up sitting with both kids whilst he enjoys sniffing coke
what kind of an example is this to the kids i know they only 9 months but I think its wrong
please help me move forward in my life with my children

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously, it was not wise for you to have had realistic doubts, but to have married him without revealing and discussing these with him. Its good for a father to wan to see his child --- but there's no reason why this should involve over-night stays with the child's mother, when the man is married to someone else.
It sounds odd that she has several times refused to allow him to see the child, and then changed her mind again --- what's this about ? Are thy both using the poor child to manipulate each other, and as an excuse, rather than genuinely caring about the child's needs, which is all that is actually important. Its hard to see his inconsistent behaviour and only occasional interest in the kids, as genuien or good for them.
And the final straw is --- if he is a drunkard or alcoholic who is exposing the kids to his dryg use, he is not a fit father. Period. Indeed, by enabling him to do this, even your own mothering skills will be called into question.
See a personal counsellor to work out what will be best for the kids and yourself, and maybe then a lawyer to work out the best way to achieve this

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaz | 2009-01-22

I' m not sure on what circumstances or reasons did you get married to this guy but it seems as though things were not right from the word go. It' s becoming a norm here to read about unhappy married people, which brings me to my next question, why on earth do people get married to people who show early signs of bad behaviour. I' m sure your hubby didn' t start doing drugs after you got married, you knew this about him when you were dating him, what attracted you to him so much that you went ahead and married him in the first place. I sincerely doubt that ppl' s behavior changes over night.

I' m sorry, i' m not being a bitch but these stories are just everywhere. Make me wonder if people just get married for all the wrong reasons, another thing is that a lot of kids are getting caught in the middle of these things. In another post a lady complains about how her hubby treats her yet she is so sad that she can' t have a baby with him........I mean seriously, what is going on?

I hope in your case you find courage to get out of this mess and build a stable home for your kids.

Good luck to you!

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: Faith | 2009-01-22

I can just imagine how difficult this is for you. Being in a bad relationship is one thing and is much worse when there are kid/s involved. It is easy for outsiders to say leave him and go on with your life as you have the feelings for him not us, BUT you will have to sort something out. Trust me when I say that you have to move on. It would be the best thing that you could do for you and especially your kids. There is no doubt that it is going to be very very difficult but it would all be worth it. Just have faith and pray very hard. Good luck hey!

Reply to Faith
Posted by: concerned | 2009-01-22

Thank you for your advise i stuck things out hoping taht it would get bettter the the twins sake you dont know what it is like to raise two babies at the same time I am only keeping quite becuase I need his help to help me with the kids I can not feed 2 children there bottles at the same time I cant not carry both at the same time and that is why I jsut left it all i am waiting for my twins to be a bit bigger atleast one year where they are able to walk in that way i will be able to manage with them
thank you

Reply to concerned
Posted by: ???? | 2009-01-21

I want to know - WHY the bloody hell do you stay with this immature, drug using abuser? Why did you have babies with this pillar and upstanding man? How can you allow drug use near your babies? You are still there? What have you got to lose? Maybe someone should spell it out to you - leave him and leave him now. You made the babies, now look after them in a responsible way without this druggie who obviously does not give a hoot about you or your babies. You made a bloody mess by marrying the creep and having children - rectify it and leave - you can still do it!! And then you want to force him to stay because you told him if he leaves you will keep the twins from him? You have no other option but to keep the twins from him - don' t you understand this?? Go to the police, get a restraining order and file for a divorce asap. I can’ t even begin to think that all the therapy in the world will change this piece of rubbish. He is obviously not bothered. Are you still there?

Reply to ????

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