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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/04/28

Please help

I have been in therapy for some time, and my therapist has told me that I have a fear of abandonment, but to make it worse, when I dont get " abandoned"  I push people away without even knowing it because I would rather push them away than have them leave me.

But it''s the people I love the most I push away the hardest and I want to stop doing this, but I dont know how and we have done endless hours of therapy but, I just keep doing the same things over and over again.

Last night I accused my husband of flirting with his cousin. She is very sexy and she flaunts her assets and flirts outrageously. Last time, she stuck her bum in my husbands face and it drove me insane with rage and jealouy and I have seen how my husband looks at her and I have wondered if he secretly fanticises about her but I havent had the courage to ask him. I dont want to know.

Please help me Prof, I am driving myself dilly with jealousy and insecurity and I know he is innocent and has not done anything wrong, but I still do this.

I try talking to him about it, but I always say the wrong thing and we end up fighting and he has already told me, I am not endearing at all. Which means, I am pushing him away.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not clear from your message what sort of therapy you are receiving ; presumably some form of psychotherapy.
The sort of pattern you describe sounds rather like Borderline Syndrome, where people find it hard to have stable relatonships, and may so much fear bein abandoned by someone else, that they either walk out themselves, or push the other person so as to force them to walk out. YOur therapist needs to be business-like and practical, in helping you to practice different ways of managing your relationships, and to avoid the self-defeating patterns you describe.
Your husband's cousine sounds like a rude and common woman, and isn't it possible that your husband is, rather, embarrassed by her behaviour ?
And you don't ask him, for fear that he may say Yes - so you prevent him from saying No, and putting your mind a rest.
Ask your therapist to work with you on this, to rehearse ways in which you could discuss these concerns with your husband, without starting an argument.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/04/29

I think in some way we all have a fear of abandonment to some degree. Think about it, none of us want to be abandoned. We want to be liked and accepted.
I think you simply suffer from " the green monster desease"  jelousy. No it is not a bad thing ata ll. It can be overcome.
Firstly, do. What you need to do is to confront the cousin next time she behaves in such a manner. A simple, " I do not appreciate you sticking your bum in my husband''s face or anyone else''s in MY home for that matter" . Just say it !! It is after all her that is causing you the distress and not hubby? Just say it girl, it is your right to have an opinion and to voice it.
Then, work on the self esteem a bit. I find if yiou feel better about yourself, you have more confidence.
Especially where this cousin is concerned. Look good when she is around (and not around) Not for her or hubby but for YOU.
Any women will get mad at such behaviour.
As far as other people are concerned, you are not elaborating much but a good piece of advice (a very old piece of advice!) is to " count to 10" 
Before acting or reacting, always take a moment to consider your response. Firstly, do you even need to respond? Is your opinion required? Does it have anything to do with you? Can you respond without being nasty? I s keeping quite in a specific instance not maybe a better option/
Just take it easy and take your time.
Say something nice rather than something nasty or say nothing at all.
Your mind is much more powerfull that the hours of therapy you are paying for. Smile, try not to frown. The nice thing is, people will start wondering " What the hell is this woman up to" .
Good luck and oh.... it is YOUR husband, he MARRIED you and he LOVES you, that is why he is still WITH YOU. Say your say when something upsets you but say it there and then regardless who is around as keeping it for ''later"  is not a good idea.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/28

Its not clear from your message what sort of therapy you are receiving ; presumably some form of psychotherapy.
The sort of pattern you describe sounds rather like Borderline Syndrome, where people find it hard to have stable relatonships, and may so much fear bein abandoned by someone else, that they either walk out themselves, or push the other person so as to force them to walk out. YOur therapist needs to be business-like and practical, in helping you to practice different ways of managing your relationships, and to avoid the self-defeating patterns you describe.
Your husband's cousine sounds like a rude and common woman, and isn't it possible that your husband is, rather, embarrassed by her behaviour ?
And you don't ask him, for fear that he may say Yes - so you prevent him from saying No, and putting your mind a rest.
Ask your therapist to work with you on this, to rehearse ways in which you could discuss these concerns with your husband, without starting an argument.

Reply to cybershrink

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