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Question
Posted by: Heart Broken | 2011/04/06

Please help

Dear Dr
My wife and I got married in 2006. Before marriage we were together since 1999 while we were both at Technikon. We are blessed with two children. The problem is that we constantly argue and that has put a strain on our marriage.

We have been through marriage counselling and we dropped off without even getting a solution to our problems. At times the relationship will be fine for few weeks and the fighting will start again because of small things. Just recently we had an arguement when I asked her to go buy bread for the kids. She just watched TV until it was late then the arguement satrted there. I could have done that myself but I asked her to do that becuase I was busy preparing myself for night shift.

It went worse such that I had to call her sister and my auntie to listen to our problem and point us to the right direction. Our problems are slowly pushing us away from each other.

I want to be honest that right now I have seen this lady that when I am with her I feel happy. She knows how I feel about her.She made it clear to me that the fact that I am married means I have no chance with her and that she has got a boyfriend and happy in her relationship.Just recently we went to a work function with this lady and afterwards we went to have a few drinks at News Cafe. After paying the bill I put the till slip in my pocket. The next morning while I was sleeping she found the slip and noticed that there was a beer and a soft drink. I did not deny that I bough a lady a drink.

She took our car a left and cameback the next day. I did not know where she was but she would answer my calls. I just assumed that she went to her sister.

When she cameback on the following day I was at a friend''s house. She came there sat with us but she embarrased me in front of my friend. The following day she asked if we can call our parents and tell them that we are divorcing. I sked her if we can look at other way to resolve our problems. I also asked her to sit down with me and take a pen and paper and write down her expectations from me and I will do the same. She told me that she was busy. The next day I asked her again and she said she is going to Movies. When she came back I asked her again and she told me she does not have anything to write. She does not even know what to write.

This morning I asked her to tell me how can I make her feel better or how can I change to make things right and to be a man that she wants.Her answer was she does not know.

I am trying to open up communication channels but it seems not working. We also have financial problems whereby she opens store accounts and does as she wish.Yesterday she told me straight that as for Clothing Accounts I must just give up because she will never stop that " Its a ladies thing"  as she puts it.

The story is very long but I just need to cut it shot. I am asking the good Dr to guide me in this. Divorce has also crossed my mind but I don''t wanna do it without thinking carefully. We have two kids and I want them to grow up in a stable family.

Regards
Heart broken.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Marriage counseling may not always solve everything, but I don't often hear of it having no significant benefits. But there needs to be a sense of "fit" between the couple and the counsellor. I wonder if this fits with your saying you "dropped off", and didn't complete the process. Try again, with someone you both feel good working with.
Some other thoughts. From what you say, it appears there is another woman involved - while that is so, the marriage can never be healed, of course. It sounds as if perhaps neither of you is really prepared to try hard enough to sort this out - she didn't want to join you in the exercise you suggested, and you wistfully think about the other lady.
Her opning store accounts, etc., sounds like a way of indirectly punishing you. Its a ladies thing to be interested in clothes, but not to buy them when she can't afford them. She can look without buying. Maybe she does it to make her feel better when she's unhapp about the relationship, but that's reall no solution.
Ask her to re-join you in marriage counselling with a good counsellor, and stick with it until either the problems have been worked out, or until you both understand the problems well, and have concluded, with the counsellor's help, that they cant be solved and that a divorce is wise.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Lola | 2011/04/07

I have read your post a couple of times, hoping to see where you have not tried to meet your wife half way in order to make things better. I am sorry to say, you have done almost everything. I understand you reaching out to this lady at work for some comfort. If you did not want your wife you would have also started talking divorce and disrespecting her by getting endless calls and sms from this lady. Unfortunately other people do not know how to come back, once they have hit a bad patch they keep on going. You will have to be strong for your wife, this is a very trying time for both of you, and luckily for her you still want to make it work. Do not give up, keep trying. You know what they say for better or worse. Keep the relationship with the other lady platonic, you will be spending time with an adult, who might share some valuable information. It also helps to get your mind off things at home. Try to involve parents, I think you guys have come so far, do not let life pressures destroy your marriage and your kids`s home. They say the trick to an everlasting marriage is not to fall out of love at the same time.
Good luck… 

Reply to Lola
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/06

Marriage counseling may not always solve everything, but I don't often hear of it having no significant benefits. But there needs to be a sense of "fit" between the couple and the counsellor. I wonder if this fits with your saying you "dropped off", and didn't complete the process. Try again, with someone you both feel good working with.
Some other thoughts. From what you say, it appears there is another woman involved - while that is so, the marriage can never be healed, of course. It sounds as if perhaps neither of you is really prepared to try hard enough to sort this out - she didn't want to join you in the exercise you suggested, and you wistfully think about the other lady.
Her opning store accounts, etc., sounds like a way of indirectly punishing you. Its a ladies thing to be interested in clothes, but not to buy them when she can't afford them. She can look without buying. Maybe she does it to make her feel better when she's unhapp about the relationship, but that's reall no solution.
Ask her to re-join you in marriage counselling with a good counsellor, and stick with it until either the problems have been worked out, or until you both understand the problems well, and have concluded, with the counsellor's help, that they cant be solved and that a divorce is wise.

Reply to cybershrink

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