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Question
Posted by: sa | 2009/12/11

Please help

I am experiencing a problem. I am sexually frustrated. My wife is not interested in sex at all. We are married for 17 years and in the first 10-13 years it was not too bad. But now we go without having sex for more than a year. We might have it once a year and then I must initiate it. I am frustrated. It feels that she doesn' t love me. Even when we had sex in the past I must do all the work. Arousing her, kissing her while she just lie there! I is humiliating to say the least! She makes me feel like a pervert! She once caught me watching porn, and she was furious! I do feel guilty about it but my sex-drive is so much higher than hers. Last night she told me that I am depressed and needs to get medication for it. I am stable, attractive, positive, excercise regularly, do special things for my wife like bringing her tea in bed every morning. She doesn' t do special things for me. The kids (2) 12 &  14, gets special treatment. I feel alone, sexually deprived, unloved. I am 46 and she is 49. I feel that without sex I am getting more and more frustrated and aggressive! Can someone please help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

What you are experiencing sadly is not that uncommon and from what you have said so far, it sounds reasonable that you are very unhappy about the apparent imbalance. Of course, I am not aware as to why your wife would not want to treat you specially...it may be that she has expressed discontent about many things that she feels you have not fulfilled and as a couple you are now in a stalemate.. Regardless, I recommend that you seek a couples therapist skilled in addressing sexual and relationship difficulties because in my experience this is treacherous and complicated territory to navigate... The long and the short of it is that her libido may have declined as it commonly does in women in a committed relationship leaving her having to 'drive' her sexual response. This is very difficult to do if (1) she doesn't know how to do this, (2) she is not motivated to because she is angry or unhappy in someway, or (3) she doesn't recognise the importance of her attending to this in the relationship (many women relate more to the need for emotional intimacy & affection than to sex per se, and so if you describe your sexual needs as being similar to her need for emotional intimacy and how she would feel if you didn't meet those, she might understand a little more). It can be difficult to understand how someone can be so disinterested in sex when you yourself have libido (hunger) as you do; but this really is a common complaint when libido disappears. If you would like assistance to identify an appropriate professional in your area, why not contact the SASHA helpline (0860100262)? SASHA has a list of professionals in the main cities who could in turn identify an appropriate local therapist. Alternatively, try FAMSA or your GP.

Claire
on behalf of SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/12/15

You should find someone who is willing to satisfy you if she won' t. Just don' t bring home anything nasty and don' t get caught like tiger

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009/12/12

What you are experiencing sadly is not that uncommon and from what you have said so far, it sounds reasonable that you are very unhappy about the apparent imbalance. Of course, I am not aware as to why your wife would not want to treat you specially...it may be that she has expressed discontent about many things that she feels you have not fulfilled and as a couple you are now in a stalemate.. Regardless, I recommend that you seek a couples therapist skilled in addressing sexual and relationship difficulties because in my experience this is treacherous and complicated territory to navigate... The long and the short of it is that her libido may have declined as it commonly does in women in a committed relationship leaving her having to 'drive' her sexual response. This is very difficult to do if (1) she doesn't know how to do this, (2) she is not motivated to because she is angry or unhappy in someway, or (3) she doesn't recognise the importance of her attending to this in the relationship (many women relate more to the need for emotional intimacy & affection than to sex per se, and so if you describe your sexual needs as being similar to her need for emotional intimacy and how she would feel if you didn't meet those, she might understand a little more). It can be difficult to understand how someone can be so disinterested in sex when you yourself have libido (hunger) as you do; but this really is a common complaint when libido disappears. If you would like assistance to identify an appropriate professional in your area, why not contact the SASHA helpline (0860100262)? SASHA has a list of professionals in the main cities who could in turn identify an appropriate local therapist. Alternatively, try FAMSA or your GP.

Claire
on behalf of SASHA

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: H | 2009/12/11

Sy klink gemaklik, bederf en waardeer jou nie.

Geen seks  geen tee in die bed! :-)

Reply to H
Posted by: XXX | 2009/12/11

Only getting it once ayear is crazy,you should be doing it a couple of times a WEEK (at least).I would suggest you both go see a Sexologist or marriage counsellor.

Reply to XXX

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