Posted by: Mel | 2009-03-25

Please Give Advise!

Hello Doc, I have this very imbarissing issue, this is the first time it has happend but it still bothers me...

The thing is I have been in a relation ship for almost four years, and as all other relationships we' ve had our ups and downs, before I met my boyfriend I kind of went through a self destruction fase(What I call it) now he does' nt know my sexual history but in my books it' s a very bad one... and one im really not proud of at all, now through the four years we had a very gratifying relationship in that department until the other nite, I just could not get in to it, I kept on thinking about how wrong I was in doing all the things I did the year before I met him, how could I let other men touch me in such a manner, I felt such shame and self loathe I was so ashamed of being like that.... I don' t know what is wrong with me, what if next time it happens agian, how do I expliane to him that im feeling shame of the things I' ve done before I met him, how do I forgive my self for being so uncarring towards me an my future, and why could I be feeling this way?

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Our expert says:
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Are you saying that felings of guilt abou past misbehaviour is now troubling you, and interfering with your current relationship ? Seeing a sensible counsellor could be a good idea, because it is important to learn what needs to be learned from past mistakes, but then to apply those lessons to the future, not makingg the same mistakes again. And a counsellor could help you decide how to tackle the isue of what and how to tell your curretn partner, about the past.
I don't know what exactly you did in the past, but what matters is that it is in the past. It happened, but focussing obsessively on it and on the past rather than on constructing a better future is pointless. Work with a counsellor, preferably one using CBT methods, to free yourself of this burden and to reconstruct a better and more positive ( and wiser ) future.

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