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Question
Posted by: Flower | 2010/02/16

Please don' t judge

I don' t know what I am doing. I have been married for 7 years due to some drinking problems with hubby, unfortunetly I found greener pastures elsewhere. I have a 6 year old son. I left my husband in order to be woth my lover,I know,I don' t love hubby but I feel guilty and sad. I moved in with mum while I am busy getting a divorce. Now the lover is acting like a jealous lover, I am not even aloud to really speak to my work colluegues. I know he loves me very much, but does he have to act this way? I am scared we want to get married and and once I am going to matty him, is he going to distrust me cause I cheated with him on my husband. I have spoken to my son to tell him we are going to stay at my mum' s place for a while cause I am not happy with his daddy.So far he is okay sort' ve undersstand, when is a good time to introduce my son to my special friend. Please do not judge

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Who was doing the problem drinking ? You or your husband ? Its very understandable that you feel guilty and sad - you did something really ugly to your husband and child. And, as so often happens, you now find your lover is a lot less than you thought he was. You don't mention whether you have divorced your husband.
But of course your lover will be suspicious of you - you have already proved to him that you are prepared to cheat on your husband. And why would he care properly for your son ?
Why not rather go the route of marriage counselling with your husband,. to try to sort things out ? You gave up on him and the marriage before trying properly to fix things.
Sensible comments from the other readers

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010/02/17

The grass does often appear greener on the other side - mainly because of all the manure though.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: me | 2010/02/17

the grass is never greener on the other side. PERIOD

Reply to me
Posted by: anon | 2010/02/17

You are a WHORE and WILL be judged, you are like muhvango, a destroyer of marriages.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Woman | 2010/02/17

Aaarg! keybord from hell, sorry!

I wanted to say, You should have known he would be this way, and you can' t blame him, he was the one you had to lie to see.

Be in this relationship only until you are ready to go it alone. I know it' s scary, but see this as an opportunity to grow as a person. Learn to be happy by yourself. And find yourself again. Extracting the you from the married you and the lover you is not easy, but well worth it. Just learn to love and accept all of you again, and you' ll be fine.

Good luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Womhis way?an | 2010/02/17

Your current is the rebound guy. Treat the relationship as a rebound relationship. This is only what it is. He will never trust you, because he was the lover. You should have known that a lover would be t

Reply to Womhis way?an
Posted by: Womhis way?an | 2010/02/17

Your current is the rebound guy. Treat the relationship as a rebound relationship. This is only what it is. He will never trust you, because he was the lover. You should have known that a lover would be t

Reply to Womhis way?an
Posted by: T | 2010/02/17

Understandable that you would see someone who didn' t have the same problem as hubby as a comfort but all people come with their own problems and rather the devil you know than the devil you don' t. I left my husband for a " better option"  and discovered that the flaws within that person were more hurtful than my husband had ever been. After 6 months apart and a divorce on the cards I found it easier to be an independant thinker and realised I had fooled myself into thinking that my son who was 6 at the time was ok with everything - until he started having nightmares and was very emotional... Turned out that my son was ok with the fact that it would be just him and I and dad wouldn' t be around but was not ok with the person I had bought into his life. Hubby and I are back together now and after everything we went through there is so much more respect and change from his end. I learned that sometimes we experience a situation to teach us something about ourselves and that I was part of the problem by allowing my hubby to control me and walk over me... He learnt that the person he created within me is gone and somehow... that made us better!

Reply to T
Posted by: Leila | 2010/02/16

First of all, ditch the boyfriend - he is abusive and controlling and you dont want to go from one bad relationship to another. Secondly, you need to spend time with your son and your family and come to terms with getting a divorce.

As with most divorces, things can get very rough and you are going to need your family and friends for support.

You might have made a mistake and cheated on your spouse but your bf' s behaviour is not acceptable. He obviously thinks that because you cheated while you were married that you are going to cheat while you are with him.

I can understand that you needed a shoulder to lean on which unfortunately turned into an affair, however, now is the time to sort your life out. Try staying single and independant, and give your son your attention, eventhough he may seem to be ok, the divorce of his parents is going to affect him.

So, please think very carefully about committing yourself into another abusive relationship - rather be single and happy than married and unhappy. And who says that we HAVE to be married??

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Me | 2010/02/16

My goodness, and you still caal him your special friend. Remember that any behaviour before a marriage get much worse after a marriage. I would get away from that man as soon as possible.

Reply to Me
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/16

Who was doing the problem drinking ? You or your husband ? Its very understandable that you feel guilty and sad - you did something really ugly to your husband and child. And, as so often happens, you now find your lover is a lot less than you thought he was. You don't mention whether you have divorced your husband.
But of course your lover will be suspicious of you - you have already proved to him that you are prepared to cheat on your husband. And why would he care properly for your son ?
Why not rather go the route of marriage counselling with your husband,. to try to sort things out ? You gave up on him and the marriage before trying properly to fix things.
Sensible comments from the other readers

Reply to cybershrink

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