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Question
Posted by: Thando | 2012-10-10

Please advise

Please say what type of a person i am maybe I am cruel or I just dont know.

I got married in 2009 and bought a house in Soweto, and my husband had a baby girl that I accepted to live with, the mother had another boyfriend so my husband decided no he would rather keep the daughter, we both agreed.

Everything was fine with the in-laws but late in 2010 they poisoned (sisters to the husband) poisoned the daughter and she did not like me anymore they said they are taking the daughter because I am not treating her like a mother should, then fine I decided that I will never mingle with them anymore, they kept on doing funny things like sending SMS''s requesting for money, and money for the daughter and yet we give them R600 per month for the daughter worse enough they want to make it a point that my husband should be in contact with the mother of the daughter we bought another house they dont want to hear anything they say we have a lot of money and I am the poison. I dont know what to do because it is as if I dont love them and the daughter as if I am selfish. What do you suggest I should do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Isnt it sad how many families waste time and effort being cruel to each other ? You're the focus, not the cause ; the victim and not the victimizer ; the poisoned, not the poison. It is they who are being greedy and selfish, not you.
If your husband is indeed the father of the child, he is responsible for paying a reasonably amount of maintenance for the child's expenses. If the pair of you share costs, maybe in a sense you contribute to that, but its not your responsibility to pay for the child someone else insists on caring for.
I agree with Romany that such matyters are better decided by a court taking provable facts into account rather than gossip, and trying to make a fair decision for the best benefit of the child. Don't give these unpleasant people the power to upset you so.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2012-10-10

May I suggest that you go the proven, legal route with this rather than the " traditions"  route. Nobody " poisoned"  anybody, they simply spoke a whole lot of nonsense and " influenced"  her.

The mother should formally sue the father for maintenance via the courts. The courts will decide how much your husband can afford to pay for maintenance. Whatever they decide, he should pay. Until such time, he pays nothing. If he carries on paying every time they demand money, they will never formalise the maintenance and you will always have them bothering you.

He should at the same time formalise visitation rights to the child. IE, he may request to see the child every second weekend and every second school holiday (or whatever suits both parents)

Then, get these people out of your lives. He is your husband and apart from the little girl, he needs no contact with them.

It is not worth putting up with all this crap. Get everything legal and on paper and stick to that. Carry on with your lives and let the in-laws see that you will not be intimidated by their petty actions.They have/had their own lives to destroy or whatever they chose to do with it. They should butt out of yours.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-10-10

Isnt it sad how many families waste time and effort being cruel to each other ? You're the focus, not the cause ; the victim and not the victimizer ; the poisoned, not the poison. It is they who are being greedy and selfish, not you.
If your husband is indeed the father of the child, he is responsible for paying a reasonably amount of maintenance for the child's expenses. If the pair of you share costs, maybe in a sense you contribute to that, but its not your responsibility to pay for the child someone else insists on caring for.
I agree with Romany that such matyters are better decided by a court taking provable facts into account rather than gossip, and trying to make a fair decision for the best benefit of the child. Don't give these unpleasant people the power to upset you so.

Reply to cybershrink

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