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Question
Posted by: Jacqui | 2011/06/30

Please advise

I''d prefer under the circumstances if only CS would reply.
Recently turned 40 never married no children woman. He is 13 years my senior, divorced with a daughter. No problems with that nor any issues either.
Been together for the past 5 years. I love him but am not in love with him. What attracts me to him is his intellectuallism. Realistically speaking we are chalk and cheese. I am very sporty and slender - he thrives on reading newspapers and watching international news and is overweight and has been for the majority of his adulthood. I also enjoy being informed and am in no means a ''jock''. I love learning. We have a non-existant love life including being intimate. Don''t think we have made love this year. His sleeping habits include gross snoring - after enduring that for two to three hours ( am very holy on my sleep) he wanders off to the spare bedroom to reside on the spare bed for the night. This is occuring 4 out of 7 nights per week. We moved in a year ago and seem to be struggling financially even though he is an advocate. We literally dont know whether we will have a home next month. From a career point of view, I might have prospectives if I were to go it alone - if nothing materialises for him next month, we are out of a home. After being on Cilift for 4 years, I decided to go cold turkey 2.5 weeks ago. Its been hard and I have had my share of symptoms and side effects. Strangely enough, I now feel stronger and more in tune with myself. He is starting to crumble with all the financial pressure, cursing God every day (which I detest) and saying " I get knocked down each and every day by your God" . What must I do? I am not prepared to abandon him in this very trying time. Yet I know I need to move on. Could you advise me on how to help him (he, a 54 year old man was in tears this morning). I guess the fact that we are suffering financially is adding to his fears of paying fin part for his only daughters wedding in three months time is not helping either. I want out, but I cannot abandon him at this time. I need more...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So this is a relationship of some shared interests, not about sex ; And apparently based on affection rather than love.
About the snoring, a couple of thoughts. Most snorers do this mainly when they lie on their back, and sewing something like a cotton reel in the back of his pyjama top or Tshirt, so it mildly hurts whenever he rolls onto his back, can often do the trick. If the snoring is very loud, and presumably you listen to this, are there periods when it suddenly goes silent and he may not be breathing for short periods ? If so, this could be a sleep apnoea problem, and need specialist assessment.
Every advocate I have known earns a lot of money, so Maria's points make good sense, to review with him how he can be short of cash. Are there work problems so he is actually earning very little ? Or is he spending unwisely on unnecessary things - it can be drink, drugs ( both of which can contribute to heavy snoring in sleep ) ; or gambling, or whatever ? To get the point of risking losing one's home, is very highly unusual for an advocate. If there is a shortage of work at the higher level ( and I know this can be so, as fewer and fewer people can afford to hire an advocate ) is there other legal work he could so, as well ? Is he, perhaps depressed, and this could be not only making him obviously miserable, but reducing his ability to work efficiently ?
A rank and detailed discusion of all such actors is needed ; maybe with the help of an experienced counsellor, to make such discussions productive ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jacqui | 2011/06/30

No worries Maria, I never took it personally. We all have our days believe me :)

Reply to Jacqui
Posted by: Maria | 2011/06/30

Jacqui I apologise unreservedly for being rude to you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Jacqui | 2011/06/30

Thanks for that ''Just asking Maria''. I know this is a public forum which is why I don''t have any problems with my question being publically viewed. At this point, I am seeking a professional opinion not the usual ''harps'' that get thrown in by all and sundry. I opted not to respond to Maria''s scathing remark because I read her post today where she mentions that she nearly lost it with her family yesterday due to her meds conflicting. I did however, find it ironic that her question on the forum to CS begs a professional opinion too. Surely she would not really appreciate feedback from us plebs who don''t have the necessary expert qualifications to answer her question ? I take no offence to her replying to my post, I just politely requested my question to be answered by CS specifically :)

Reply to Jacqui
Posted by: Maria | 2011/06/30

It is open for public opinion. If Health24 had locked it down so that only the expert could reply, that would have been something different. So she can ask, but she must live with the fact that her request might be ignored. In the past people have got extremely upset when they received comments from posters other than the expert. I''m sorry I brought it up though, that was unnecessary.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Just asking Maria | 2011/06/30

Maria, this is not an attack but merely a question. Why do you belive that Jacqui is out of line asking for CS''s reply only. The last time I checked this forum was called " experts / cybershrink "  and as far as I''m aware Prof Simpson is the expert (CS) on this forum, so I belive Jacqui is well within her right to ask for the professionals opinion. It seems to me that the readers have made this " their forum"  There is a forum for " public opinion"  so to put it.

Reply to Just asking Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011/06/30

If you want input only from a professional, go and see someone rather than posting on a public forum.

You say that you are not prepared to abandon him. In what way do you want to help him - financial assistance, moral support, a roof over his head? Maybe sit down with him and look at his budget so that you can determine what the problem is. Does he not work enough, is he living beyond his means, does he gamble? Why is there a problem with money? Help him draw up a financial plan separate from your own. Involve a financial planner if necessary. Once there is a plan, he is responsible for himself and you can go your own way.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: XXX | 2011/06/30

It appears that you answer your own question ie you have no love for him,therefore,move on.There is never a good time to break up,you simply have to bite the bullet and go for it.
You can try and make it easy for him by suggesting you will help him as a friend but without being nasty,you can tell him that you are not getting what you want out of the relationship.
It might be tough for a while but life does continue.
Good luck

Reply to XXX

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