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Question
Posted by: Jane | 2012/11/28

Q.

Physical abuse

I received a promotion and hubby and I went to dinner to celebrate. Afterwards we went out for a drink and ran into old friends. On the way home we started to fight (and I still dont know about what). He locked me out of the house and left me in the car with no keys. As I got comfortable in the car he came outside and pulled me out of the car. He pulled me by my arms while lying on my back into the house and into the room. He then kept me down by my throught and raised his fist. He was histerical. He had an evil look in his eyes... I called my mother to fetch me as I was affraid that he was going to kill me. The next day he is sooooooo sorry and he can''t lose me. He killed something inside of me. I cant look at him. Evertytime I look at him I remember that look in his eyes. If I see his arms I remember the fist that almost hit me. We have 2 boys (who luckily was at a friends house) and I dont know what to do. I told my husband that I need time. And now 4 days later he asks me " how long am I still gonna be in sh!#? I dont know what to do, I dont know what to feel. I am ashamed and still bruised on my arms. I cant talk to anyone and my mom just makes as if nothing happened.... Maybe I will feel better once the bruising is gone...

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

What a very horrible episode. He can't expect you to just overlook this and move on directly.Was he drunk at the time ? ( Not an excuse, it never is, but it might help explain why this happened at this time - though presumably he has been drunk before, and you speak as though this is the first and only time something like this has happened.
Its the psychological bruising that is even more important than the physical bruising.
If he wants to show genuine regret ( rather than manipulative mumbling of "Im sorry" ) then he should agree to see a good local psychologist for a thorough assessment of what happened and why ( with you sharing at least part of the session, as he apparently doesn't ( as is indeed rather often the case ) fully recall all that happened ). And he should agree to worh with the shrink to resolve all that needs to be dealt with. If this has happened before, even to a milder extent ( or if the shrink thinks it'd be useful ) then he should seriously consider giving up alcohol and joining AA to stay stopped.
"Sorry" is so easy to say ( some people can't even manage that !) but not so easy to do - and one needs to believe what they do more than what they just say.
Later I see you say this has happened before, which re-inforces what I have already said. Do not feel ashamed for what HE chose to do to you. You did not deserve it or cause it to happen. Don't take the responsibility away from him.
Consider seeing a group like POWA that specifically advises abused women, and consider exploring a longer-term escape and safety issues, and divorce. Like Chantelle, it is never healthy to allow anyone else to control your life in such a way - that is not, is never, love.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or person harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

18
user comments
Posted by: Undertaker | 2012/11/29

It sounds to me as though he went into a rage of jealousy. It can be because you got a promotion or the fact that you spoke to old friends. That does not forbode well for the future. Sorry does''nt even cover it. Forget about love in this instance as this could cost you your and your children''s lives. He has done it once, so next time will be easier. Give him an ultimate choice. Go for immediate help or you walk away for you and the children''s sake. Now to your mother. She is your mother and should be there in situations such as this. To act as though nothing happened goes to show a lack of compassion and love for you and the boys. What will she say if things turn out for the worst? Help yourself now. Out there should be a MAN that will give you the respect as a woman that you deserve.

Reply to Undertaker
Posted by: Leila | 2012/11/29

Ahhh Jane. Im really disturbed to hear what has happened. This man has just proved himself. He has just made it easy for you to make up your mind & mdash  and leave him. Leave him for good because you dont need a man who puts anyone''s life in danger. So yeah, you''r safer without him.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: pinkie | 2012/11/29

something similar happened to me just i almost died i also remembered that look in his eyes it was pure evil like a devil possesed him. it also started just like your story in the beginning its like you were explaining what happened to me. i also over looked it and said he was dunk he also aplogized and promised high and low it will never happen again until it did! if it wasnt for my nieghbours who heard the banging and noise i would have died that look i will never forget! i was covered in blood from head to toe my room looked like a murder scene be careful dont take him back

Reply to pinkie
Posted by: Liz | 2012/11/29

Oops, Jane that is!

Reply to Liz
Posted by: Liz | 2012/11/29

Hi Leila,

I feel very sorry for you, nobody deserves to be treated like that! My concern is for the safety for you and your children though. Seems like this man will go to any measures to keep you under his control. Family murders by men are very common. About 90% of incidences like this is because the man is insecure, jealous, manipulative, and would rather wipe out his family, than see them (his wife particularty) move on with their lives. In most cases women would murder husbands out of self-defense.
Speak to family members, your pastor, anyone that could help in this situation. Else, contact POWA.

I wish you courage, faith and hope.

Reply to Liz
Posted by: Peas | 2012/11/29

Hi Jane,

I grew up with a dad like this. I told my mum as a 12 year old that I could not take it anymore. She realised what I was saying and we left the house. My grandad generously helped us buy a flat and we set up our own home. Try to get someone to help you and move out, your children will be scarred from this when they witness it. They always apologize and say they will never do it again, but it continues and perhaps one day it will be fatal. Do not wait until the one day, take action now.

Thinking of you.

Reply to Peas
Posted by: Liza | 2012/11/29

Contact POWA to arrange a safe exit for you and your children. It''s not about loving him or not loving him. Even if you love him, he''s still a BIG danger to you and your children because he doesn''t sound mentally stable (if he were mentally stable, he wouldn''t wave a gun around).

Even threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse. He''s still trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to - without having to admit that he has severe mental problems. Don''t fall for this manipulation - if he can wave a gun around, what''s to stop him from trying to kill you and the children when he doesn''t get his way? He''s already proved that he isn''t always drunk when he''s abusive...

Good Luck,
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Jane | 2012/11/29

Thank you for everyone''s advice. I really appreciate it. He seriously needs help. I tried to talk to him last night and he took his firearm out of the safe and threatened to kill himself infront of me - because he cant live without me. What excuse now? Intoxicated - NO. Unfortunately my 13 year old son saw this episode.... At this stage I am scarred for our own safety and his next move should I tell him to leave... I will not allow anyone to hurt my children... What now? Where to now? How do you love someone like that?

Reply to Jane
Posted by: qwerty | 2012/11/28

This isn''t just some random indiscretion that you need to get over and forgive - this is incredibly serious, and he needs to realise that.

DO NOT just " get over"  it and carry on as if nothing happened, because then you are telling him loud and clear that this behaviour is allowed. He needs to get help, probably on his own, and definitely together with you as well so you can explore together what the way forward is.

There is a deeper issue at play here (he is most likely hugely insecure, which in turn brings on the controlling and obsessively jealous behaviour) that he needs to recognise. If he does not recognise the fact that there is a huge problem here and sincerely seeks help, you should rethink your future with this man, and perhaps even consider laying charges. It might be the wakeup call he needs.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Chantelle L | 2012/11/28

Well my mine is gone away for the week and there''s a party i wanted to attend and he warned me before he left that I''ll suffer the consequences if I go. My daughter of 18yrs cant believe that I allow him to control me. But what else can I do. I wonder will having an affair make me feel better towards this man. Dont know if i love him anymore and I actually told him this.Its true, what do we do when the kids are all grown up and out of the house?

Reply to Chantelle L
Posted by: Kelly | 2012/11/28

I think you should just leave him.
Whether he was drunk or not it no excuse at all for his behaviour! The next time it happens whether a month, a year or 2 from now you might not be alive to tell your story. What about your kids then?

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Leila | 2012/11/28

Im so sorry to hear all this. Stay away from him for a longer period and give him a firm warning of what you expect in terms of his behaviour. Did he ever get physical towards you during the 3 years? Perhaps counselling is the answer. If all else fails you can consider a divorce.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Jane | 2012/11/28

It happened before - about 3 years ago... I feel like a victim! and I am ashamed. I am not nasty towards him and will still do what is expected of me (make food, look after the kids, etc... but I dont know. Is this what I want? After 13 years of marriage? And then one day when the kids are out of the house? What then? Then I dont have that motherly responsibility of cooking and caring for my youngsters... I just dont like him right now.
@Chantelle: Sorry about your situation. I wish I could just be alone... My husband is also like that. I am not allowed on lady''s nights - not even at a girlfriends house!!! I cant sleep over even if my work requires it. (He made it clear to my boss). I am just confused. Is this IT?

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Leila | 2012/11/28

Sorry about the double post, Jane.
Perhaps he should go to Alcoholics Anonymous and have himself weaned off alcohol because it definitely does impair the senses. Sounds like he is sorry for what happened but you cant guarantee that it will not happen again when he is under the influence.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Chantelle L | 2012/11/28

It does not make a difference if he was intoxicated or not. I know exactly what Jane is going thru. I dont greet any guys or speak to any family men unnecessarily cause everybody wants me. My husband has done it all and I''m still stuck wit him. He is gone away on business and told him off before he left. Its so nice without him at home no calls nothing from him and i dont even care. I had a glass of wine yesterday and did not even feel guilty cause it was during the week. I have enuff time for myself and my kids. They never change and he will do it again.

Reply to Chantelle L
Posted by: Jane | 2012/11/28

Yes he was under the influence. He blames the alcohol. Every woman wants her fairytale... But most of all security and safety in your husbands arms. I dont have that any more. Does being under the influence make it all OK?

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Leila | 2012/11/28

Was he intoxicated when all this happened? If he was then obviously he would be sorry the next day. What was his explanation for his rough behaviour?

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Leila | 2012/11/28

Was he intoxicated when all this happened? If he was then obviously he would be sorry the next day. What was his explanation for his rough behaviour?

Reply to Leila

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