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Question
Posted by: anon | 2012/08/15

past and regrets

i have done many a thing in the past to hurt my partner and myself due to alcohol and drugs and i deeply regret these and wish i could go back and make a lot of changes BUT i cannot and i know i cannot. The problem is that it keeps getting rubbed in my face and brought up. How do i get passed this and move forward. Well i am moving forward and i have changed but how do i stop the remarks that keep flying back about but you did this and you did that!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, though none of us can go back and re-do mistakes we made in the past, we can at least learn from our mistakes, avoid them in the future, and if reasonable, make good on some of the damage we did. If your partner keeps on raising the past in a hurtful way ( and consider couples counselling ) tell him calmly that it is highly hurtful when he does so, especially as you both know the past can't be re-written - but add that you would appreciate him helping you to avoid ever repeating those mistakes by pleasantly warning you if it ever seems as though you may be heading again in that direction.
You can't easily move forward if he keeps on dragging you backwards. And when he comes up with a remark about what you did in the past ( and maybe if he keeps on doing this he's really not worth staying with ) just nip it in the bud, saying "Yes I did, and apologised long ago, but I'm not doing that now".

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/15

OK, though none of us can go back and re-do mistakes we made in the past, we can at least learn from our mistakes, avoid them in the future, and if reasonable, make good on some of the damage we did. If your partner keeps on raising the past in a hurtful way ( and consider couples counselling ) tell him calmly that it is highly hurtful when he does so, especially as you both know the past can't be re-written - but add that you would appreciate him helping you to avoid ever repeating those mistakes by pleasantly warning you if it ever seems as though you may be heading again in that direction.
You can't easily move forward if he keeps on dragging you backwards. And when he comes up with a remark about what you did in the past ( and maybe if he keeps on doing this he's really not worth staying with ) just nip it in the bud, saying "Yes I did, and apologised long ago, but I'm not doing that now".

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