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Question
Posted by: Betrayed? | 2010-09-26

Partner''s overseas holiday to visit online crush?

Hi. My partner''s mom is schizophrenic and can''t take care of her 14-year-old twin sons. The boys have come to live with us and we are, effectively, putting them through high school with very limited support from the state (and none from either of their parents). My partner decided to plan a solo trip overseas ''to get away from it all'' and do something for herself ''for a change'' as a result of the stressful situation she''s found herself in (trying to get support from the state, which didn''t pan out  getting sponsorships for school fees, etc, etc.). On her departure, I found out (at the airport check-in counter) that she was also going to visit someone she had met through facebook and I know she has a crush on. Obviously, I felt betrayed and lied to as this was never mentioned during the build-up to this trip. One of the valid reasons for excluding me was that I didn''t have any leave (I don''t), but I have always been assured that I am the love of her life and that she just wants to do something on her own for once. We''ve been together for nearly eight years. This is not the first time that I''ve been lied to. There''s been a constant stream of little white lies during the course of our relationship. I value honestly above all else and am now fed up. Although she insists that she is only visiting this woman to break the ice in a strange city/country and that I''m jumping to conclusions, I was/am really pissed off. And the ''gifts'' that I''ve seen being bought for ''other'' people, I''m sure are being given to this woman (like a crystal pendant). She said she wouldn''t go if it mean''t I would leave her. I told her to go and enjoy herself and get it out of her system. We''ve been planning to buy a home together, we are included on each other''s policies/wills as beneficiaries, etc. I won''t leave her in the lurch by packing up and going. I really feel like moving into another room in our house until the lease comes to an end and we can then each go our separate ways. Am I jumping to conclusions? Perhaps it''s the PMS talking...?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu don't seem to mention the dad - has he no part to play in the raising of his sons, or at least paying for it ?
As for your partner, yes, you were betrayed, and her choices and decisions showed no real respect for you, or the burdens you have accepted to help HER family ( not your own ). It's understandable that you feel betrayed and used. She owes you explanations and a long discussion of what's in the possible relationship for You, apart from caring for her family. The extent to which you have provided for each other, that you describe, is considerable, and would lead one to expect her to have been far more frank with you.
Does she really think the Facebook woman would help to care for her twin sibs ? If no, doesn't she think that sort of thing matters ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Betrayed | 2010-09-27

Thanks for the advice. Their dad''s not in the picture - he has a new family. Note that they don''t have the same dad. They''re staying with hers for the holidays.

Reply to Betrayed
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-09-27

This whole thing sounds odd... So your partner has left the boys (who would be her brothers?) with you to take care of them? And from your post, it sounds as if one of the things she''s trying to " get away from"  for a while, is the fact that she now has all the extra expenses related to raising the 2 boys? How does spending money on an overseas trip help?
It sounds like a thinly veiled excuse to go off by herself and be single for a bit.... Not the sort of thing someone in a committed relationship does, if you ask me. Especially not if she''s meeting up with an " online crush" !!

When she comes back, I think you two need to have some very serious heart-to-heart talks. Make it clear that you will not tolerate her lying, and consider going to some couples counseling sessions to see if there is something worth saving here.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: two-stone | 2010-09-27

Nope, I think you are right. She wants her cake, icing and to eat it.........

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-09-27

YOu don't seem to mention the dad - has he no part to play in the raising of his sons, or at least paying for it ?
As for your partner, yes, you were betrayed, and her choices and decisions showed no real respect for you, or the burdens you have accepted to help HER family ( not your own ). It's understandable that you feel betrayed and used. She owes you explanations and a long discussion of what's in the possible relationship for You, apart from caring for her family. The extent to which you have provided for each other, that you describe, is considerable, and would lead one to expect her to have been far more frank with you.
Does she really think the Facebook woman would help to care for her twin sibs ? If no, doesn't she think that sort of thing matters ?

Reply to cybershrink

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