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Question
Posted by: not so happy | 2008/09/18

Partner' s lack of sex

hi all,

my girlfriend of 6 years has no desire to have sex. When I try to initiate sex, she always shoots it down, so I have come to the point where I never initiate sex anymore, cuz I know what will happen. And I have tested it. So now I sit and wait (like a puppy waiting for food) for her to start sex, but it never happens. She is always to tired from work (I too work a full day), or she is too tired after doing chores (I help out equally in that dept) or she has a headache. Classic excuse. What can I do to get my sexlife back?? I have resorted to masturbation, as this is the only sexual activity that I get. She also has stated on numerous occations that she does not like sex, and when we have sex, if makes me feel as if I am work to her and not love.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level', which for some women is VERY low 'hunger' for sex.

In addition to these changes (which are nobody's fault), there may be other changes (in you or her, your lives) that mean that her libido has taken even a bigger knock. It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve.

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. It seems unreasonable that she should expect you to operate like her - perhaps try to explain to her in non-sexual terms (e.g. If I say to you when you are thirsty/hungry that I can do without a cup of tea/chocolate cake/whatever therefore so should you, how would you feel? Sexual hunger is similar). This is not to say that you should always get your way either, but I imagine it would do the relationship some good if there were some element of flexibility.

It sounds like she needs to think about whether you/the relationship are worth the effort, and if so, then she may need to drive her sexual response. If she is on the 'back foot' so to speak, it may be very difficult to change momentum, but it is possible, especially if she wants to feel sexual again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: PoPie | 2008/09/19

What took u so long to propose her, if u were in love. At time us ladies when we are so much in love and our patner doesnt wanna commite , we turn to think that maybe u' re not so sure about the relationship, maybe u' re still searching,till u find that life time partner ,Maybe she thinks that u dont love her enough, think I' ll also feel that way. Take her out,tell her how special she is,maybe she' ll be back on track

Good luck

Reply to PoPie
Posted by: koos | 2008/09/19

if she is not into sex then you can kiss sex goodbuy,its all in her mind and if she cannot change her mindset then prepare yourself for a whole lot of wanking in the future!

Reply to koos
Posted by: not so happy | 2008/09/18

Oh and you suck man. I ask for advice. Not snotty comments you pirck.

Reply to not so happy
Posted by: not so happy | 2008/09/18

She became my fiance in May. Kind need to adjust the mindset there a little bit.

Reply to not so happy
Posted by: GBB | 2008/09/18

Look a little deeper. Six years and she is still your girlfriend? I think she has other things on her mind like comitment.

Reply to GBB

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