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Question
Posted by: Will | 2012/05/30

Partner with kids

My partner of less than a year has two kids and I have none. She feels that she is not getting any younger and needs to settle down and that she needs someone she can rely on to secure a future for her and the kids. She says she’ s at a point where we rather break up if this is not what I want. I also want to settle down in the future but I feel overwhelmed by the thought of taking up two kids (12 and 4) who already have developed own characters and a way of living. I love her very much but I don’ t want to get myself in a situation that I can’ t cope with. Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What, indeed, of the father of the children ? He has an absolute duty to be paying maintenance for the costs of raising the children, and she should go to the nearest maintenance court to ensure that this happens. Deabeat dads should never be let off the hook. I would seriously wonder about whether she actually loves you, or is just mainly wanting someone to take financial and general care of herself and her children. Do not accept her pressure.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Will | 2012/06/04

Thanks Nina... this is a huge step and I don''t want to do anything for the mother without considering the kids. I usually am generous to my partners but I had to take a back seat since I met her because what about the kids? Going on holidays also mean taking the kids with sometimes... buying gifts also needs to be spread amongst the kids not just for her. I can''t discriminate anyone here, hence my concern to take on this responsibility. There''s a huge financial responsibility here and I also have financial situations that limit me to having luxurious things right now. It''s not easy. I tried putting a plan together of things to do as a family but we haven''t been able to stick to it because we''ve been on then off then on.

Reply to Will
Posted by: Nina | 2012/06/01

Don''t you want kids of your own some day as well? Will she be prepared to have more kids? And if she says no to having your kids, will you be happy with this and willingly go along? Will you, in this instance, be able to take care of another man''s child, when you could have been taking care of your own.

I really do think it is unfair of her to ask you to take on such a commitment. Is she looking for someone to share her life with, or to just provide for her kids?

I am a woman and I wouldn''t expect someone to take responsibility for my kids, when they have a father. I don''t think you are being in any way selfish. Taking on the responsibility for someone else''s kids is a major challenge.

Reply to Nina
Posted by: Will | 2012/05/31

Just Saying... you are being a bit unfair in your judgement. I love the kids and their mother very much. The challenge here is that I don''t have kids and don''t know much about taking care of them. I need to take them on as my own and we also need to consider financial support they will have moving forward. Children are costly (reality) and together we can plan for that. We both had problems I still feel we need to work through for us to build this foundation on solid ground, before even involving the kids.

Reply to Will
Posted by: Just Saying! | 2012/05/31

Let her go then, If I read between the lines, you are happy with her but not prepare to handle the kids, then you are selfish in the least. Rather leave her so that she can build a future with someone that is prepared to handle her and the whole pakage that goes with it.
I was in a relationship like that and I am sorry you take the good with the bad or you leave it, it is as easy as that.
And remember those kiddies can feel if you dont accept them ,
You only see her as Miss right now and not your Mrs Right.
I might sound harsh but that is reality , It is not fair to them that you are rejecting them , Think about it long and hard and talk to her in adult way because what ever you decided those two children needs to be taken in consideration, some men cant handle other men''s kids in a relationship and that is a true fact, the same goes to woman in this regard. Good luck

Reply to Just Saying!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/31

What, indeed, of the father of the children ? He has an absolute duty to be paying maintenance for the costs of raising the children, and she should go to the nearest maintenance court to ensure that this happens. Deabeat dads should never be let off the hook. I would seriously wonder about whether she actually loves you, or is just mainly wanting someone to take financial and general care of herself and her children. Do not accept her pressure.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Will | 2012/05/30

This is rather tough for me right now. I truly love her very much but I haven''t developed a strong bond with the kids. Yes we all get along very well but not to extend of me babysitting them or taking them out on my own. We''ve had challenges few times where we even broke up and made up and I think this might also have a contribution in the whole feeling I have towards embracing the kids. If we as adults haven''t started on good grounds, how can the kids be openly embraced?

Reply to Will
Posted by: Romany | 2012/05/30

Good advice from all.
Blood is always thicker than water so you need to be prepared and very aware of the fact that the children wil always be forst priority.
Mothers turn into lions when it comes to their children.....
Yes, I agree, one year is not enough. Maybe another two years or so?
By the age of the children I assume you guys are in your early 30''s?
That gives both of you enough time to find perfect partners. Maybe she should rather look for a partner with kids of his own and you should look for a partner with no kids that you can start your own family with, if you wanted to.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Hhayibo | 2012/05/30

Less than a year and she now expects a full on commitment with two kids!!!!!! Don''t let her pressure you, give yourself time to apply your mind before you make a decision and commucate this to her.If she still insists and wants to bully you into a commitment,tell her to f*ck of!!!!!

Reply to Hhayibo
Posted by: Maria | 2012/05/30

Where is the kids'' father?

Reply to Maria

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