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Question
Posted by: Torn apart | 2011/02/01

Partner was raped

Hello Cybershrink.

The other day, I found out that the male friend she dated (she is a lesbian) raped her, so often she had to stick herself on the pill. It has made me cold inside. It hurts me so, he used to be her friend before this all happened, and then after the rape she started dating him until she broke it off with him about 5/6 months after.

She is still friends with this rapist, and became obsessed with him a while back, he was the only thing on her mind and that cut me to the core. But, I let her have her friend (who did not contact her for over a year, despite her attempts to get in contact –  which was why she became obessed. That was hard enough. Now I know that he raped her, I am in emotional agony in what to do. Do I let her carry on with her friendship with this rapist, which is going to kill me inside and I can’ t tell her that because there have been so many fights in the past about this rapist because of her obsession. Why would she still want to be friends with this guy? How can she keep this all inside? It is really devastating to me and I am suffering like crazy.

Do you have any advice on where to go in this situation? I don’ t want to lose her.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It certainly seems to have been a rather weird relationship she had - if she chose to remain with him after the episodes she describes as rape, and has remained some sort of friend with him, that's not the usual form of rape. And a rapist is not a friend.
From the sound of it, it's really not up to you whether she does or does not remain in this unwholesome friendship with this guy. We don't know what, if anything, she may be "keeping inside". She sounds frankly more committed to him than to you.
Counselling / psychotherapy sounds like a good idea as her whole view of herself, sexuality, and relatonships sounds messed up - but it couldn;t possibly help her unless and until she herself decided there were real problems, things she wanted to change, and she entered into therapy keenly and sincerely committed to changing this.
It may also be wisest for you to move on, as she cannot have any sincerely commited relationship with you while still so involved with this guy.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wondering | 2011/02/02

You see, others are in agreement with me so where do you get the rudeness angle ? Did you NEVER consider it in the least bit odd that she continued to date/obsess her rapist ? Come on !!

Reply to Wondering
Posted by: Nia | 2011/02/02

Ok, I am not a lesbian, but I am a woman and if I were raped by any man (or woman for that matter) I will most definitely not " date"  the person afterwards, neither will I become " obsessed"  with the person and I will also definitely not want to maintain contact with such a horrible person. Her behavious does not sound like someone who has been raped ... so maybe you need to find out what really happened?

And ... if you are more important to her then surely she should respect your feelings above the feelings of the " rapist"  and avoid this person altogether. I think she is misleading you.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: d | 2011/02/02

she must have feelings for this guy if she is obsessed with him. cut your losses and move on

Reply to d
Posted by: two-stone | 2011/02/02

I know you found Wondering''s answer rude, but I actually agree with the first part of the reply. I also don''t think she was raped, but rather wanted you to be convinced of her sexual persuasion. I do not mean to be rude, so hope you do not take it that way ok? People will make up any sort of story to support their selfish situation, and that is what happened here, I''m afraid. I really hope it works out for you. By the way, is your relationship with the " rapist"  not good enough that you could maybe talk to him and ask him if it is true? (He would deny it anyway, now that I think about it) Good luck.

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/02

It certainly seems to have been a rather weird relationship she had - if she chose to remain with him after the episodes she describes as rape, and has remained some sort of friend with him, that's not the usual form of rape. And a rapist is not a friend.
From the sound of it, it's really not up to you whether she does or does not remain in this unwholesome friendship with this guy. We don't know what, if anything, she may be "keeping inside". She sounds frankly more committed to him than to you.
Counselling / psychotherapy sounds like a good idea as her whole view of herself, sexuality, and relatonships sounds messed up - but it couldn;t possibly help her unless and until she herself decided there were real problems, things she wanted to change, and she entered into therapy keenly and sincerely committed to changing this.
It may also be wisest for you to move on, as she cannot have any sincerely commited relationship with you while still so involved with this guy.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Torn apart | 2011/02/01

Your reply is rude, and is of no impact on me.

Reply to Torn apart
Posted by: Wondering | 2011/02/01

Ummmm. I''m not so sure that your partner was ACTUALLY raped and maybe at the time she was normal and that the sex was consensual. Maybe she TOLD you she was raped to make out to you as if she was a lesbian and that all of a sudden this horrible thing happened. Why would she keep on with him if he had genuinely raped her. Anyway if you two are now an item, just get over it, its not as if she was " raped"  by another lesbian.

Reply to Wondering

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