Our expert says:
I like Maria's important point about how very un-Disney most families actually are. I like Winnicot's concept of the Goodenough mother - below that level there may be damage, but there's a wide range of personal variations and eccentricities which are good enough for normal development, and mothers who range from the OK to the marvellous.
Its better for individuals, whether adult or child, to have no close family than miserable, carping, and hostile folks who are tolerated merely because they are genetically close family. Its not compulsory to tolerate unpleasant people.
There is no value whatever in "letting bygones be bygones" especially when they are genuinely not "bygone". The popular tosh that implies that victims have some sort of warped duty to forgive perps is dangerous nonsense and should be stamped out. So don't feel guilty.
Maybe think of seeing a counsellor to work through your conflicted feelings about all these issues. Of course you'd like to have normal loving parents, but it sounds as though that boat sailed decades ago and its not possible.
Cutting off an abusive relaionship is a healthy decision.
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