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Question
Posted by: Fleeced? | 2010/05/02

Paranoid or Sensible?

3 Years ago I found out that my wife had been cheating on me during our engagement - three years prior(with a " good"  friend of ours, they both admitted it to me) - I also have reason to believe that she cheated on me with the same person while we were married. Subsequent to this " revelation"  3 years down the line after couselling and some horrible arguments we now have a daughter and though not the same as it was the relationship is now civil - we are " doing it for the kid" . We have not " made love"  in about a year, she always " feels sick"  or " is tired"  or " whatever"  - and I though not a Romeo, pull my weight and in terms of caring for our son and running the home, as well as being complementary to her and " looking after myself" . In the last few months my wife has spent an extra ordinary amount of time " texting"  on her phone and I recently found an embroidered branded hotel towel in our linen cupboard that I have never ever seen before (in several years of living together) and we have never ever been to this hotel (it is in our home town) - nor have we recently had any house guests. For the life of me I cannot think of a reasonable explanation as to how that towel made it''s way into that cuboard other than to assume that it was mistakenly packed possibly into her kit bag after a hurried rendevoux and shower at the said hotel - am I being paranoid or sensible in assuming that she could once again be fleecing me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So she had been cheating and lying to you. If she is so uninterested in sex within this marriage, one would wonder whether she has now for some reason lost libido, or whether she might be involved in some other sexual relationship. Things like the excessive texting and the hotel towel are indeed suspicious. It is entirely reasonable for you to be suspicious - the issue is what best to do about it, and perhaps more mariage counselling might help calrify things ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Whena | 2010/05/03

Fleeced

Unfortunately I think you know the truth but just would not admit it to yourself

Good luck

Reply to Whena
Posted by: James | 2010/05/03

" Run Forest Run"  comes straight to mind. I know how you feel as I have been there. Unfortunately you have a daughter who will also be impacted. Staying for the kid is not really a win win situation as you will be eaten up from the inside always worrying / stressing etc which your daughter will also pick up on, they are very perseptive. Divorce and you daughter loses as aswell, you however, will be able to move on. It does take time though. There is a saying that " Once a cheater, always a cheater"  and from what I have seen it rings true. I feel for you as it is a terrible position to be in and something I dont wish on my worst enemy. You will have to make some hard decisions that have some rather big impacts and each person is different. I went the divorce route and I am much better off for it.

Good luck.

Reply to James
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/03

So she had been cheating and lying to you. If she is so uninterested in sex within this marriage, one would wonder whether she has now for some reason lost libido, or whether she might be involved in some other sexual relationship. Things like the excessive texting and the hotel towel are indeed suspicious. It is entirely reasonable for you to be suspicious - the issue is what best to do about it, and perhaps more mariage counselling might help calrify things ?

Reply to cybershrink

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