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Question
Posted by: ML | 2009/02/18

paranoid or justified?

Am I paranoid for wanting to check my husband’ s phone, especially his messages? Background: caught my husband out on Mxit after checking his old phone and seeing messages he sent to other ladies (he sent them his picture). Months after that I found another message where he sent his photo to a lady, with the subject of the photo “ you are not too bad” . He didn’ t have a shirt on in the pic. I found the pic the day after he sent it, but suddenly he couldn’ t remember sending such a picture to anybody. He deleted the messages immediately after I found it. I phoned the woman and she told me some story that the picture was actually for a friend of hers who was supposed to meet my husband for an appointment (he was an estate agent). What doesn’ t make sense, is the fact that he supposedly could not remember sending the pic and the strange subject. Surely one wouldn’ t send such a pic to a client? And why would her “ friend”  ask her to get my husband’ s picture, if the friend obviously then had my husband’ s numer herself and seeing that her friend lives in another part of the country? The story just doesn’ t make any sense.

During this holiday I went away alone to get some clarity on our marriage and upon my return, found out my husband had started a SMS-“ friendship”  with a client. He didn’ t tell me about this, his best friend told me. My husband told this “ client”  about our marriage problems and apparently she was giving him “ advice”  as she was divorced herself. The odd thing is, it has come out that her brother lives across from us in our complex and when they had a family gathering recently, my husband acted very strangely. He opened the door so that we could hear them talking in the backyard, he went outside a couple times and even called me to show me this lady’ s car! I found it very strange indeed.

I also recently found some proof that he registered on dating sites. He told me that he just checked them out at the time when he checked out Mxit, but that he didn’ t use those sites and only chatted on Mxit

He is now blocking his messages on his phone so that I can not read it. He says it is because I once phoned that “ client”  and she complained apparently. I think he is once again hiding something! Or he is still SMS’ ing this other woman and does not want me to see their messages. He told me that I am welcome to ask him what is in his messages and he’ ll show it to me, but that just leaves him enough time to quickly check that there aren’ t any “ unwanted”  messages for me to see. Surely it is now his responsibility to work towards restoring my trust in him? He must show me that I can trust him, not so? Why must I simply trust him, especially since he has given me enough reason in the past NOT to trust him? He doesn’ t want to listen to reason. And I don’ t want to be blindsided AGAIN. I’ m tired of getting hurt and being made a fool..

What would you suggest? He just wants me to get on with things and start working on our marriage, but how can I when I feel that he is hiding something?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Boy, there are so many realy long messages this week !
Presumably you had other reasons leading you to start checking on his phone, etc., and his behaviours do indeed sound suspicious. Marriage counselling is realy needed here --- his excuses don't hold water, and someone with a happy relationship doesn't need mixit or dating sites.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Janice | 2009/02/18

My ex was also caught out - and also all the excuses under the sun about wrong numbers and sms' s not for him etc., And.. he used to do this whole thing about telling me that he loved me and that he was in this marriage for the long run and wouldnt do anything to hurt me.... Sorry but your husband sounds like mine... My ex never believed me when I gave me another chance but told him if he stuffed up I would divorce him - he thought it was an idle threat. Well divorce proceedings are on the way because life it to short to put up with someone who treats you badly and obviously doesnt love you eventhough you still love him.

Reply to Janice
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/02/18

Oh for sure he is cheating, once he is so overprotective of his cell thn you know for sure something is wrong.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mandy | 2009/02/18

Hi Paranoid

No you' re not paranoid. I am in the same boat. Hubby on Mixit and Migg. Takes weekends away and calls them work. His cell is his only. No-one allowed to answer it at all. Takes calls outside etc, lock codes that only he knows etc. I' ve battled for a year now and given him an ultimatum. I am 90% sure that I will not play 2nd fiddle to and compete with chat/dating sites. So act now. dont leave it as long as I have. Luckily my kids are grown up now and after 23 years of marraige, I am turning my back. I wish that somehow we can get a petition against things like this as it is destroying so many lives, homes, young girls going missing. My thoughts are with you. Gud luck.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Wendy | 2009/02/18

it certainly sounds like your husband is cheating on you. Why is he registered on dating sites and Mxit? Why is he hiding messages etc from you. I would dump him and fast! He wants to have his cake and eat it! You deserve better than that. If he wants your marriage to work, he certainly isn' t showing it by his behaviour.

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Wendy | 2009/02/18

it certainly sounds like your husband is cheating on you. Why is he registered on dating sites and Mxit? Why is he hiding messages etc from you. I would dump him and fast! He wants to have his cake and eat it! You deserve better than that. If he wants your marriage to work, he certainly isn' t showing it by his behaviour.

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Get going | 2009/02/18

No question about it. Completely justified Get going. You are wasting your time with this guy. Cheating comes in many forms and this is just one of them. He will never stop no matter how many times he promises to behave. Save yourself a whole lot of PT and make the break. You will be far happier with a great deal of peace of mind. Why waste you time on someone who clearly has absolutely no respect for you.

Reply to Get going

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