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Question
Posted by: Lindsey | 2012/03/13

Paranoid Mother

My mother loathed our father as he was abusive and then he committed suicide when I was in Standard 9.
She wants to eradicate every memory of him. Look, no of us liked him either and suffered under his abuse. In an argument she makes reference to the fact that I sound like him or said something he would say (if she doesn''t like what you are saying). She is a difficult woman and I can see why they had a bad marriage although he was a bad person (and yes he was certified as such). Psychopath. Manic-Depressive. I have struggled so to overcome my childhood and I have never married or had kids as a direct result of my fear of re-creating what I lived through and survived.I told her that she is ridiculous since it takes 2 to make a kid and I can''t help for it.I cannot in these few words tell you how I feel Cybershrink. I feel like telling my 70 year old mother to F OFF. I am the only one that cares for her and I know very well I have my father in me I am just tired of being reminded I am similar to someone she despised. I am so good to her and go short in my life to take care of her. I resent the fact she married him knowing what he was and then went on to make kids. The fact she could not leave him (he said he would kill all of us) is not my damn issue. Please help I am so fed up.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I've seen many variations on this theme, where someone uses the accusation "you're just like X" where X is a mutually disliked character, to insult someone else. It doesn't actually mean there's any specific similarity, but its the nastiest insult they can think of.
Fortunately,though there is some degree of risk, you are in no way destined to replicate the unpleasant state of your parents marriage. In many significant ways, because you know so clearly what you DON'T want, you could be better able to avoid it than other people who havent had such experiences. So, perhaps with the aid of a psychologist to rid you of the noxious influences of your parents, you could free yourelf to form much happier relationships.
At 70, your mom isn't going to change. Its difficult at the best of times, and especially after a lifetime of being as she is. It would be fair to point out to her, calmly, that you have done and continue to, sacrifice a great deal to help look after her, and that you don't begrudge her that, but that you would appreciate more signs of appreciation. Remind her that you both suffered because of him, and that calling anyone "like" him is an awful insult, which you wouldn't want to inflict on her however she might annoy you. It is not your fault that she ended up married to a psychopath, but at least you should both avoid adding to each other's degree of hurt

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/13

I've seen many variations on this theme, where someone uses the accusation "you're just like X" where X is a mutually disliked character, to insult someone else. It doesn't actually mean there's any specific similarity, but its the nastiest insult they can think of.
Fortunately,though there is some degree of risk, you are in no way destined to replicate the unpleasant state of your parents marriage. In many significant ways, because you know so clearly what you DON'T want, you could be better able to avoid it than other people who havent had such experiences. So, perhaps with the aid of a psychologist to rid you of the noxious influences of your parents, you could free yourelf to form much happier relationships.
At 70, your mom isn't going to change. Its difficult at the best of times, and especially after a lifetime of being as she is. It would be fair to point out to her, calmly, that you have done and continue to, sacrifice a great deal to help look after her, and that you don't begrudge her that, but that you would appreciate more signs of appreciation. Remind her that you both suffered because of him, and that calling anyone "like" him is an awful insult, which you wouldn't want to inflict on her however she might annoy you. It is not your fault that she ended up married to a psychopath, but at least you should both avoid adding to each other's degree of hurt

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