Posted by: Sad | 2012-12-10

Pain wont go

i found out in 2000 that my husband had an affair with another woman for 8 years. I confronted him and admitted it. The pain has been with me ever since. I trusted him and he dissapointed me and broke my trust. Everytime i try to ask him about the affair he keeps quiet. I need to know why he did it for me to have closure. Right now I am finding it difficult to go on. Everytime we have sex i am imagining him doing that to that woman. Its been 12 years since i found out but i cannot forgive and go on. Maybe if he told me everthing. I feel less woman that i can love a man and on the other side he loves someone else. I love him a lot but this is really getting on our way. I need advice. I have developed a pain on my left which goes to the arm because if this. How do i get him to talk to me, i am slowly loosing it.

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Our expert says:
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That was a horrible experience ; but if the pain is still woth you and still seriously bothering you, you need to see a counsellor / psychologisty to work through this and get this off your back.
It sounds, from your message, as though you are still, 12 years later ! - asking him about the affair ? Why omn earth do that ? Its like dragging that wretched woman back into bed with him ; its like picking the scab off a wound every time it gets a chance to heal.
Stop trying to forgive and start trying to forget. It happend, So did World War II, but the rest of us have stopped fighting it some time ago.
Not only can he now ( and for some many years ) not remember "everything" but even if he sat down with you for a month and told you everything he could recall, again and again, you would only feel worse, not better.
You don't know whether he actually loved the other woman at all, or whether he loved you any the less for his affair with her.
STOP, please stop, trying to get him to talk to you, and see a psychologis, urgently, to help you work through this and set yourself free from this burden you have chosen to hang around your shoulders. he chose to stay maried to you, and not to leave you and stay with her. That says something.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ivy | 2012-12-10

My heart goes out to you because I too found out my ex was having an affair. Trust me it is better that he doesn''t give you all the details. I pressurised mine into telling me everything. How was the sex with her, what did she look like, was she better than me etc etc. He told me and it haunted me to the point I divorced him. Rather try deal with the pain WITHOUT the details. He is with you now and not her. Try build up the love and trust again. It is not easy but everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. When thoughts of her come into your head try your best to push them out and eventually one day you will think less and less of her. He is with you now.

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