advertisement
Question
Posted by: Charlene | 2011/07/04

Overweight spouse

I''ve been married for longer than 12 years. When I met my husband he was a sportsman and very neat on himself, something which to me is a must for any man/person. Amongst a whole bunch of other problems one of them is the fact that he is now overweight......I resent this and hate myself for it!!! The ONE thing I always try to teach my 2 kids is not to be judgemental but now I do exactly that. I am no model but I exercise regularly and take very good care of myself. I expect him to do the same, especially if he wants to get into bed with me every night. Is there a humain way of telling him how I feel?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, try not to be so judgemental - you seem to have an attitude to bodily shape one could call Shapism, and it's akin to racism or sexism. Not all shapeless or less shapely people are bad ! Did you marry him solely because of his appearance ?
Then you mention "a whole bunch of other problems" which apparently exist between you two, but its only on the exercise, superficial appearance issue that you concentrate. Isn't this perhaps to some extent a way of avoiding more important issues between you ? Maybe you prefer to focus on it because unlike some of the other areas which need to be dealt with, in this one you're clearly doing fine, and its him who has been sliding back a bit ?
Some of the responses are equally prejudiced. Woman, for instance immediately assumes that he "eats like a pig" and he "looks disgusting". Hmmm.
I agree with Jane et al. Remember those vows about "for better, for poorer... in sickness and in health" ? If your love is conditional on a spouse maintaining a specific weight or shape, then it isn't love at all.
Marriage counselling would be a really, really good idea.
And in addition, talk calmly and pleasantly with him, about the "good old days" when he was active in sports, and how you admired his physique back them ( by the way, its very common for sportsmen AND SPORTSWOMEN (!) to gain a lot of weight when they stop performing, because they are used to a diet that works fine when they are highly active, and tend to maintain their eating habits when they switch to more sedantary jobs and pastimes. Most people, fortunately, can't spend their lives playing games, and need to get to work, much of which involves sitting rather than chasing balls around.
Talk with him about how you see it can be hard to maintain a healthy weight, and offer to help - to share a better diet together ( does he really eat a totally different diet to yours ? ) and share an exercise program.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/07/05

I am with Jane on this one.....
Surely you love you husband " for better or wotrse" ? Or is this just an way to justify that you do not like him anymore?\
What would you do if he somehow ends up in a wheelchair? (example only)?
If you feel " stuck"  with this overweight man, like woman has said, maybe think how much worse it would be to be stuck with a man in a wheelchair, not able to care for you and your children.
It could be a lot worse...... not everyone finds excersise appealing. maybe just start by putting him on a healty diet to motivate him.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Woman | 2011/07/05

The issue is that he is overweight. This means he is unhealthy. If he continues to eat like a pig and not look after himself, he will die from an illness brought on by his over eating or ese he''ll have a heart attack. Either way, his being overweight harms your family.

If it was my husband, I''d sit him down and honestly and clearly tell him that he looks disgusting and will probably die a painful death. I would tell him that I am not willing to assist him with his suicide bid and give him an ultimatum to sort himself out.

I find it amazing that there are so many women who look after themselves and who are stuck with men who doesn''t.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Karen | 2011/07/05

Goodness, people can be nasty hey! You have every right to want your husband to be fit and attractive. Of course you still love him, you just want him to be slim again, and fair enough.

You''re just going to have to talk to him about it nicely...and yeah, make sure you cook healthy low fat/carb meals for the family to enjoy together.

Good luck!!

Reply to Karen
Posted by: Jane | 2011/07/05

Maybe you can start by preparing your husband a healthy meal and going for a walk with him instead of complaining. You such and insentive partner!

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Rob | 2011/07/05

Your perception is that your husband is overweight!! I could not believe this when I read it!! If that is what you call love then you have problems!! does he tell you what he dislikes what you are becoming or does he still love you the same way he did since your wedding?

I think that putting your marraige on the line because you like to work out and he does not, is plain stupid from your side. Love your husband, for better or for worse!

Reply to Rob
Posted by: John Deere | 2011/07/05

I would suggest that you ask him to start walking with you around the block after work and just tell your man that he should realise that overweight is not good for his health and that you do care and that maybe he should consider to start exercising with you. Just talk to him over ''n nice dinner, i do feel your frustrations, my wife also don''t want to exercise and i love sports it just feels good to be in shape, obviously it just feel better to be attracted to your spouse if he or she is also exercising. But speak to him thats the least you can do, also prepare more healthy food for him and tell him that you love him but you would like to see him get old with you and exercise will make your live a bit longer.

Reply to John Deere
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/05

Firstly, try not to be so judgemental - you seem to have an attitude to bodily shape one could call Shapism, and it's akin to racism or sexism. Not all shapeless or less shapely people are bad ! Did you marry him solely because of his appearance ?
Then you mention "a whole bunch of other problems" which apparently exist between you two, but its only on the exercise, superficial appearance issue that you concentrate. Isn't this perhaps to some extent a way of avoiding more important issues between you ? Maybe you prefer to focus on it because unlike some of the other areas which need to be dealt with, in this one you're clearly doing fine, and its him who has been sliding back a bit ?
Some of the responses are equally prejudiced. Woman, for instance immediately assumes that he "eats like a pig" and he "looks disgusting". Hmmm.
I agree with Jane et al. Remember those vows about "for better, for poorer... in sickness and in health" ? If your love is conditional on a spouse maintaining a specific weight or shape, then it isn't love at all.
Marriage counselling would be a really, really good idea.
And in addition, talk calmly and pleasantly with him, about the "good old days" when he was active in sports, and how you admired his physique back them ( by the way, its very common for sportsmen AND SPORTSWOMEN (!) to gain a lot of weight when they stop performing, because they are used to a diet that works fine when they are highly active, and tend to maintain their eating habits when they switch to more sedantary jobs and pastimes. Most people, fortunately, can't spend their lives playing games, and need to get to work, much of which involves sitting rather than chasing balls around.
Talk with him about how you see it can be hard to maintain a healthy weight, and offer to help - to share a better diet together ( does he really eat a totally different diet to yours ? ) and share an exercise program.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement