Our expert says:
Grief takes time to resolve. Usually the PAIN goes away, but the regret and sense of loss may not, but becomes less of a bitter feeling and more a celebration and happy recall of the best things about the person.
But it's harder when there's someone like your mom who seems to be grieving in a manner inconvenient to both of you, and needlessly interfering with your own healing.
And of course her own neurotic behaviour isn't good for your self-mutilation problem, for which you should be seeing a skilled psychotherapist.
Don't you need to have a calm but firm session with her and make it clear that she and your father no longer are contributing in anyway to the expenses of keeping her. If she wishes to stay in your home, she must respect you as an adult and leave you free to make your own decisions and keep to your rules and expectations - or find herself somewhere else to live, and cover her expenses some other way. You are no longer prepared to sponsor her to carry on interfering and treating you with disrespect. Tell her firmly that any more calling you names or showing any other form of disrespect, and she will have 5 days to leave, and you can legally compel her to do so. And that you have checked, and her threats to have you committed to a hospital are stupid, offensive, and will not work.
If she thinks your brother will be more accepting of her ways, them encourage her to go and liv with him ; and if he tries to interfere with you on her behalf, tell him he has the same basic choice - to respect your autonomy and stop interfering, or to take over her care himself.
Do not discuss with her whether you want to have your hair or nails done - its none of her business.
Am I misunderstanding or is this YOUR home ? If it is, then she must behave like a well-mannered guest or leave promptly. If it is hers, then it is you who should leave and get your own place, and leave her to fend for herself - she sounds well capabale of foing that ( though perhaps unwilling to do the work ) and can also use the help of your brother. And tell her its hardly surprising that her children don't want her to live with them, because she insists on behaving as such an interfering and unpleasant person.
Don't take her mean comments to heart.
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