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Question
Posted by: Angelique | 2011/12/01

Overprotective Mom

I am a white 31 year old single female of Continental origin working and 80% supporting my mom. My dad and gran passed away 7 and 4 months ago and well it did feel like my world was crumbling but like they time heals everything and yes i feel a bit better but my pain will never go away. Well i guess i will never have the opportunity to let my pain go because my mother is always there reminding me that my father has died and that he was very sad before he died and blah blah blah. She lives with me as they lived with me ever since, the house belonged to them and then they gave it to me which in turn they sold and we moved. I got the money from the house to look after them but the money did eventually run out but i am still looking after mom and dad when he was around. So the problem with mom is she is very over protective and this is working on my nerves. When dad was around we would have these terrible fights me and mom where it would come to a point that we would hit and abuse each other and dad would come and sort the fight out my mom would then pack her bags and leave in the middle of the nigth with my father only to sit at the local garage for a few hours until my poor father had to lick her-|-to go home because he was cold and tired. (Now i can understand why the poor man died). Ok so we fight alot about the people i wish to associate myself with. I don''t feel as i i come from this family and i don''t mix with my people or people of the same culture. I have dated indian gentleman in the past and that has always been a problem for her and my dad but now we will talk about mom. She always says i am Indian i want to be an indian and the indians are still going to F*** me up good and solid. Then she accuses me and says that she will get my brother to come and sort me out (he is older and bigger built) then she says she will have me admitted to a mad house (I am a self mutilator i have 300 cuts on my body and last night i added 5 more to it). She blames me for my fathers death and says i made him upset and i am useless piece of trash. If i say i want to have my hair done she says there is no need if i say i am going to do my nails she says there is no need if i say i want clothes then she comes with and choose all black baggy clothes for me because i am fuller figure. If i say a friend is coming over like i did on Sunday night we first had a fight 5 minutes before the male friend arrived and then she sat in her room all the time till he left and after he left i had to hear the whole story over again, that he is indian and that he has beedy eyes and that is older and has false teeth. We are not allowed to sit in my room and have to sit in the lounge and not move. She also tries to tell me how to run the friendship and when this guy must take me out and when not. Last night i was trying to explain something to her and she jumped the gun again and it was a tsunami of a fight i totally lost it and almost did something i should not have. She is always the victim and she is always making things about her about how her children don''t want her and nonsence. I mean she married my dad at age 21 and had a son at 24 and her life carried on. I do not have a boyfriend, husband or any children so should i also not be afforded the opportunity to have somebody special in my life. Do i also not have needs. She also tells all the time that the Friday night that my dad was so sick before he passed i was out having a good time with a man. How she came to this conclusion only God knows. I was home that friday night at 10pm and then i still rushed my father to the hospital where they admitted him. I was the one to find my father dead in the hospital bed the monday morning i was the one who arranged the funeral i was the one that dealt with everything i am the one that goes to the graveyard every saturday since April and fixes the grave. So please tell me am i the wrong one here. And if i like Indian guys what is so wrong with that i mean we are living in a Democracy not Apartheid.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Grief takes time to resolve. Usually the PAIN goes away, but the regret and sense of loss may not, but becomes less of a bitter feeling and more a celebration and happy recall of the best things about the person.
But it's harder when there's someone like your mom who seems to be grieving in a manner inconvenient to both of you, and needlessly interfering with your own healing.
And of course her own neurotic behaviour isn't good for your self-mutilation problem, for which you should be seeing a skilled psychotherapist.
Don't you need to have a calm but firm session with her and make it clear that she and your father no longer are contributing in anyway to the expenses of keeping her. If she wishes to stay in your home, she must respect you as an adult and leave you free to make your own decisions and keep to your rules and expectations - or find herself somewhere else to live, and cover her expenses some other way. You are no longer prepared to sponsor her to carry on interfering and treating you with disrespect. Tell her firmly that any more calling you names or showing any other form of disrespect, and she will have 5 days to leave, and you can legally compel her to do so. And that you have checked, and her threats to have you committed to a hospital are stupid, offensive, and will not work.
If she thinks your brother will be more accepting of her ways, them encourage her to go and liv with him ; and if he tries to interfere with you on her behalf, tell him he has the same basic choice - to respect your autonomy and stop interfering, or to take over her care himself.
Do not discuss with her whether you want to have your hair or nails done - its none of her business.
Am I misunderstanding or is this YOUR home ? If it is, then she must behave like a well-mannered guest or leave promptly. If it is hers, then it is you who should leave and get your own place, and leave her to fend for herself - she sounds well capabale of foing that ( though perhaps unwilling to do the work ) and can also use the help of your brother. And tell her its hardly surprising that her children don't want her to live with them, because she insists on behaving as such an interfering and unpleasant person.
Don't take her mean comments to heart.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lonely | 2011/12/01

Angie, i am in the same satuation. i was staying with Mom at my house because she was not well. she stayed at my house for almost 2 yrs. she was very controling, telling me that i am spoiling my kids and i am single mom.she does not like my friends and my boyfriend. she will alway fight with my maid for no reason. she is an attention seeker. i am the only child to her. The reason i bought my own place i felt that i cannot stay with her same roof because she was doing all this things that i have mentioned. There was tension in my house even my kids were not free at their home, they sometimes becomes scared to do things they way they use to. she is blackmailing me immotional, Two months back i took decision. i took her to old age home. at first i felt quilty that i am dumping her. God knows that i have done every thing that a child do for their parents. right know i am at peace, we go and visit her and some times she comes and visit us for a weekend. let me tell u something she never stop complaining. she is like that and i have accepted that.

Reply to lonely
Posted by: Charlotte | 2011/12/01

My dear, you are 31, get your own life, God only knows why some mothers carry on like that and move out, one of you has to go. She had her life, now have yours!!! And maybe then you will stop mutilating yourself, I think you do this because you are so unhappy and hate yourself most of the time!! If you want a decent man dont scar yourself my child, go find your happiness, only you can!! Good luck.

Reply to Charlotte
Posted by: Viewer | 2011/12/01

As you are unmarried l think your mother is right about it being inappropriate to entertain men in your room.

After you are wed you can be alone in your bedroom, until then she is correct in saying you should sit in the lounge.

To do otherwise can sully your reputation and affect your chances of marrying a decent guy.

Reply to Viewer
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/01

Grief takes time to resolve. Usually the PAIN goes away, but the regret and sense of loss may not, but becomes less of a bitter feeling and more a celebration and happy recall of the best things about the person.
But it's harder when there's someone like your mom who seems to be grieving in a manner inconvenient to both of you, and needlessly interfering with your own healing.
And of course her own neurotic behaviour isn't good for your self-mutilation problem, for which you should be seeing a skilled psychotherapist.
Don't you need to have a calm but firm session with her and make it clear that she and your father no longer are contributing in anyway to the expenses of keeping her. If she wishes to stay in your home, she must respect you as an adult and leave you free to make your own decisions and keep to your rules and expectations - or find herself somewhere else to live, and cover her expenses some other way. You are no longer prepared to sponsor her to carry on interfering and treating you with disrespect. Tell her firmly that any more calling you names or showing any other form of disrespect, and she will have 5 days to leave, and you can legally compel her to do so. And that you have checked, and her threats to have you committed to a hospital are stupid, offensive, and will not work.
If she thinks your brother will be more accepting of her ways, them encourage her to go and liv with him ; and if he tries to interfere with you on her behalf, tell him he has the same basic choice - to respect your autonomy and stop interfering, or to take over her care himself.
Do not discuss with her whether you want to have your hair or nails done - its none of her business.
Am I misunderstanding or is this YOUR home ? If it is, then she must behave like a well-mannered guest or leave promptly. If it is hers, then it is you who should leave and get your own place, and leave her to fend for herself - she sounds well capabale of foing that ( though perhaps unwilling to do the work ) and can also use the help of your brother. And tell her its hardly surprising that her children don't want her to live with them, because she insists on behaving as such an interfering and unpleasant person.
Don't take her mean comments to heart.

Reply to cybershrink

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