Posted by: nani | 2008-10-31

Over protective mommy

I have come to the realization that i am a very over protective mother. It took some time, but when i sat down and re evaluated my life - it is so obvious. I am one of the more extreme ones that will fight for the rights of children, animals and the elderly. For those who does not have a say. It seems like it has taken over my whole life. I feel that i have been the only stability that my kids have had. Their father travelled when they were still babies and i had to raise 3 kids under the age of 4, all by my own. Hubbie was involved in 2 extramarital affairs and yes i have forgiven him and we have been married 16 years now. We lived in Africa as expats a few years ago and were evacuated once, because on an attempted coup. We moved back to SA 2 years later and dad kept on travelling until we immigrated 4 years later. Now dad has his own workissues to deal with, and i have to sort out all the family problems. I am the one that has to moan with the teachers about bullying, about rude remarks that is been made ect. i seems that all i do is sort everyting out that upsets my kids. i know it is not healthy and that children should learn to stand up for themselves. It has come to a point that i take the kids side over my hubby' s if there is a fight. I always take the kids side. Ironically enough, i am studying Psyc, to help other people. I am so screwed up myself , how will i be able to help others. My whole life i have poured into my kids and i dread the day they leave the house. If i am not here, doing all the driving around for exptramurals ect, dad just does not do anything. Everything stands still. I feel like such a freak and my husband alwys tells me that i am so good at sorting out other peoples problems, but our own i am useless with. So, at this stage i feel so lonely. I am not just one who can talk to others - have been too disappointed in the past. Any advice please?

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Our expert says:
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Its usually laudible to fight for the rights of vulnerable folks --- but never forget that one of those rights is autonomy, and to be able to do what THEY wantm, rather than what you think is best for them.
Depending on the ages of the kids, wouldn't it be more useful for you to enable them to press for their own rights, rather than depend on you to do it for them ?
Maybe a valuable part of yopur own training, would be to see a personal counsellor, so as to be better able to us the principles in your own life which you're advicating in the lives of others

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